Weekly fashion tip -SPANX & Yummy Tummies-

Nobody wants a muffin...unless its with coffee

Cottage cheese,wobbly bits,muffin top etc. Whatever you call it I don’t know anyone women over the age of 18 that has not been plagued with one or more of these nasty little monsters (Yes, even supermodels have cellulite ladies they just get it airbrushed before they hit the runway)I’ve tried every cream, gel, procedure(Not lypo…I hear it just makes everything lumpy and from the look of  Tera Reeds stomach…) Even those silly massages…Nothing makes it disappear. A diet rich in fiber, dark leafy green vegetables and lots and lots of water do help to break up and metabolize fat and of course working out and doing lots and lots of cardio <-MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!! and light weight-training definitely help too but sometimes no matter how much you work out when its time to go out on that date and you slip into that pencil skirt or you put on your skinny jeans and well there not looking so skinny…or my favorite…when your low rise jeans with your tucked in tank top and camel colored belt with the huge turquoise buckle looked super hot when you left the house and now you look like a muffin in an overfilled  muffin tin…How in the hell did this happen!?? In times like these sexy little secrets are your friend. Yummy Tummy and SPANX to the rescue. There is no reason whatsoever to ever have VPL’s, muffin top or wobbly bits showing threw your skin tight Herve Leger dress. Nobody has to know that my perfectly sculpted body has a little help. Especially not my boyfriend. No ladies…this isn’t cheating it’s just flaunting your best assets, and putting your best foot forward because once your clothes are off all he’s focused on is your pot of gold and he could careless about your jiggle puff…Hell…my man likes a lot little bounce to the ounce (naughty laugh)
 

Don't YOU want a yummy tummy??

 

Yummy tummies are amazing!! They hold in everything and keep the girls tame as well. You can wear them under a sleek blouse or tank or by themself. The tummy sculpting is sexy and invisible and nobody will ever be the wiser and even though I don’t have any children I imagine these work wonders after that nine month hitchhiker has wreaked havoc on your tummy and you just want everything to be tight and taut, you wanna feel sexy… throw on your yummy tummy and WORK IT GIRL!!

 

Lil' gifts of spandex from God

 

SPANX SPANX SPANX!! There is nothing bad I can say about these amazing lil’ spandex creatures that fell down into my lap from the heavens above. Wither you just want to keep the booty from jiggling or the thighs from wobbling when you put on that skin tight dress or those pumps in a bump jeans or you want your tights to have extra support from the tips of your toes to your belly button then the tights version is for you. Don’t fall for the cheap imitations ladies…SPANX by, Sara Blakley are the only way to go. Definitely go for the smaller size but not so small they bulge and no matter who you are the outfit on top of the Spanx should never be so tight I can see your SPANX lines shining through. Hello… that would tell everyone your secret!!

So when in doubt throw on that Yummy Tummy or a pair of SPANX. The world will thank you, your man will thank you and you won’t end up on my hot mess page.

PS.If you’re worried about your man wondering why you have on a shield of spandex armour under your clothes when it’s rapidly approaching sexy time slip into the bathroom..peel those puppies off, slip them under his bathroom sink (d0n’t forget to pick them up before you leave in the morning) or in your purse if you didn’t forget it in the livingroom and he will never be the wiser. Trust me..I’ve done it numerous times!!

-Happy Conturing (or at least faking it)

 

STOP!! WAIT!! You are worth more then your ‘cookies’!!

STOP!! WAIT!! You are worth WAITING for!!

Okay…I’m finally ready to write on this topic. I imagine I will be faced with some scrutiny, backlash and down right objection but over the last 6 months my take on this topic has really changed….and the topic is…**DRUMROLL PLEASE** Abstinence…Waiting…Not letting any old Tom, Dick or Harry stick his grubby lil hands in the cookie jar before he has truly proven that he is worthy of the cookies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very aware women have needs. I know…I have them. But, has our concern regarding getting those needs met turned us into a bunch of lil’ trollops who give it up way too soon?? (Yes, I know that sounded a tad harsh but the truth hurts sometime) Now, I know some of you are reading this thinking…

Girl, you are wild, Isn’t Las Vegas your second home…aren’t you the girl who said wearing panties everyday was really just a waste of laundry?? Better yet…I’ve seen your Facebook pictures and you are no saint.

Yes, I am that girl…I am still proudly wild, sassy, sexy, uninhibited and FUN but the truth is, I wish I had waited, maybe not until I was married, maybe not FOREVER but just waited long enough until I knew if the guy was really worth it. Not because of the things that people have said or implied about me (based off Facebook pictures or gossip) remember people 98% of pictures are posed.

Why??? Because I am worth so much more than just my goodies.

 I realize every time I have ever slept with someone I in turn gave him a little piece of me…a little piece that I would never ever be able to get back. And let’s be real ladies…how many ‘pieces’ of us do we really have to give?? Or better yet we’ve now given so many until we have tricked ourselves into believing that if we don’t give it up he will leave. We lead with our breasts, booties and hips in hopes that we will snag a good man who is able to look past the physical. But let’s be real…men are visual creatures…they like things they can touch…breasts, booties, hips and legs. If that’s what we go into it leading with and don’t force them to get to know who we really are, brains, strengths and weaknesses, fears, hopes, religious preferences, family background, expectations etc. Then who are we to get mad when that guy treats us like a hoe?? I mean isn’t that we looked like when we walked into the club with all our nouns and adjectives on display.  (Now, I am by no way saying we should all invest in hobbits and dress like nuns) But, think about this for a minute…how many men have you cried over that you haven’t slept with?? Maybe one, if any. This is because the emotional connection once you sleep with someone is heightened. It gives you a false sense of closeness.  It’s that good ol’ oxytocin…some like to refer to it as the love hormone.  It makes you feel a connection that is truly only physical but tricks you into believing it is so much more. How much does that suck when all we’re really trying to do is get a lil’ nooky and then go on about our business and then we end up falling in love with the guy…SUCKS…right!!?  Especially when we weren’t looking for Mr. Right just Mr. Right now!

Ladies, if we give a man at least 6 months after the first three he will start to show his true colors. I call it the Real World syndrome (yeah, like the MTV show) he will show you who he is. Think about it like this…when you watch Real World everyone stays loyal to their significant others, is the sweetest person in the house they can maintain whatever image they want the house to see but only for so long. Eventually the real him will come out. If there neurotic…you’ll know. If there obsessive…you’ll know. If there controlling…you’ll know.  If there a lying cheating man who is still entertaining a relationship with his ex(ES) you will find out. Men aren’t good liars. But most of all if all they want from you is SEX…if you don’t give it up they’ll leave because there are plenty of girls out there who will give it up. Men don’t have to work anymore so don’t be THAT girl be the one he works for. You are worth more than your lady bits. Yes, while you’re making him wait he may sleep with other women…you can’t control that. Make him work and do not give him any titles or special privileges until he’s proven himself worthy. This also means don’t make him your man until he’s proven he deserves it.  Let him treat her like the booty call, make him treat you like the future wife not just the jump off. While he’s taking her to Denny’s he’s taking you on ferry rides to Sausalito weekend getaways to Tahoe and of course around his friends and out in the day time. Sidenote: If he only calls you after 10, you never get holidays or even dates in the daytime (some remote restaurant in Fresno doesn’t count) and when you guys hangout his phone is always on silent girl you are indeed the JUMPOFF!! I’m not saying a great relationship can’t spawn from a one or two night stand but the probability of that happening is about as likely as a pink moon and well…have you seen one yet girl??

Trust me…YOU are worth WAITING for. If he won’t wait he is NOT worth your time or energy and certainly not your cookies. Imagine…you ask him to wait for a month…that’s only 4 weeks, 28-31 days depending on the month and he can’t do it…what kind of no self-control having ‘man’ is that. Trust me one you DON’T want . Now, I know we can’t be perfect…mistakes happen. We can’t beat ourselves up over them but we can learn from them and not make the same mistakes over and over again. I mean how many of us gave it up EARLY and then three weeks later we’re all sitting over mimosa brunch saying how angry we are that Mr. Sexy isn’t calling anymore…won’t return our texts or worst of all…we see him out with another girl. ~Gasp…Shutter…been there, seen that…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone~

So ladies…make him wait…make him prove himself…make him prove to you that he is worth entering  your body… and that doesn’t just mean with a pedicure, nice dinner or Gucci bag!! You can get all of that yourself. Talk to him, ask questions (lots and lots of questions), listen to his responses and watch his actions…when somebody shows you who they are believe them. If we take a pair of shoes that hurt back to the store or better yet throw them away and get a new pair then why are we so careless with our hearts and bodies?? We are worth waiting for!!

So when you just need to tap into the ‘I need some right now pond’ there’s plenty of Youporn, Coochietube (just google it) and fun stuff at Good Vibrations (yep, you can buy there fun stuff online too if you don’t live in San Francisco!)  Trust me it will get you there without the headache, heartache or that dreadful oh shit…Now I got to pee on a stick!! It’s really not worth it…is it??

So, as I said before…I’m no saint…a self-proclaimed wild child to say the least but one thing I realize now is…I wish I’d waited…and one day you may too.

“You never wish you’d waited until you find that special someone who you wish you had waited for.”

What makes Black men happy (and faithful)

So, as I’m waiting in line at Safeway…one of those late night grape juice and cinnamon graham cracker cravings (Yeah, late at night I turn into a 5 year old… #dontjudgeme) Anyway, something amazing caught my eye…the cover of this months Essence…not your usual pretty brown Hollywood starlet but three of the most beautiful chocolate pieces of man candy to ever walk the red carpet…Boris Kodjoe, Lance Gross and Blaire Underwood…but that’s not what kept my attention…the big bold Italic letters that read  “What makes Black Men Happy (and Faithful)” Ummmm WHAT!!!…the secret to how to keep my ideal man happy and faithful is between this glossy October edition of Essence. You better believe I’m buying 2 copies…just in case something happens to one of them.

I wonder if these men will make me want to be faithful to my man

Essence October 2010 Cover

So, I race home find a spot on the couch and quickly flip past all the Covergirl queen collection ads to find out How to keep MY man (well, the man I plan to have soon happy)  As soon as I flip to page 114 I’m more than ready to take a peek inside the male brain and find out what it takes to make a man happy and keep him . But sadly much to my disappointment it’s just a whole bunch of poll results and statistics as to what makes a man ‘happy’ no actual article or facts…Steve Harvey advice…NOTHING!! Ummmm….well, after reading the ‘article’ 3 times back to back I find that to keep a man you have to do a few very hmmmmm ‘simple’ things…which I’ve decided to summarize for you below:

1)Give IT up before marriage.

I’ve never heard of anyone buying a house unseen. All big ticket items need to be researched and throughly tested prior to lease or purchase.” Rubin C., 36

So, not only are you telling me I have to let my potential partner try out the goods before demanding any type of committment but that is what is expected of me. Lets not forget he likened my lady bits to a house that needs to be ‘tested’ prior to purchase….ummmm are we still cavemen?? Is this really what we’re calling advice??

2) “Twenty-two percent of black men say they ‘hate’ our headscarves”

Well, I’ve got news for you ‘brothas’ (mind you I think they only polled about 10 dudes who probably live in Miami, where the women don’t wear scarves) I will happily not wear a scarf if you are funding a quick trip to the shop lets say every ummm 2-3 days because I have to keep it sexy. Sex can not be vigorous in the least bit because sweating just can’t happen and for Christs sake don’t expect me to snuggle up with you on the couch because that’s just asking for some sort of dent or crinkle that’s going to royally piss me off  when I get up and realize I have to ‘iron’ out to even look remotely sane since I have work in the morning. Oh and scarf-less means its gonna take me even more time to get ready in the morning so zip it when I lock myself in the bathroom to attack these flyaways and frizzies to make myself presentable for us to go to Church on Sunday.

3) “Forty-eight percent of black men list loyalty as the most important trait for a women to have in a relationship (only 14% said intelligence)”

Let me translate this for you. Loyalty means 1)Dont cheat on me. 2)Don’t bad talk me in front of your friends, co-workers or family. 3) Support my dreams (even when I’m not actively pursuing them…the arc was not built-in a day, Rome was not built-in a day so even if I want to be a rapper at 40 it won’t happen in a day!) Oh, and as long as you’re fly its cool if you’re stupid…just please don’t wear that damn scarf if you just must pick up a book!

**Now for the grand finale…DRUMROLL PLEASE**

” 55% of men would not be in a relationship with a women who did not perform oral sex.”

So, the way you are telling me to keep my man happy and faithful Essence is to Put out or shut up, Don’t wrap my hair because well…its just UNSEXY , Be loyal (his definition of loyalty of course) but lastly…when all else fails play your man a beautiful tune on the good ol’ skin flute.

Shame on you Essence for selling me a dream…literally. I thought I was actually going to learn something on these glossy pages that I didn’t already know…I could be wrong but I believe most women are already doing these things…especially me and my friends. So the next time you decide you need to shed some light on the ‘How to keep a black man happy AND faithful’ topic give me some substance and real advice because all I read on these pages was what women have been doing for years and since the marriage age keeps rising and more and more beautiful, successful and smart women are still single giving good head is not going to help you keep your man (key word KEEP)!!! We know all it takes to get a man is a mini-dress and some spanx but that’s a whole nother’ blog for a whole nother’ day. Essence sorry to say but I’m dissappointed…you must do better!!

Signed,

Single…sexy and currently rockin’ my satin scarf

PS.Thanks for the man candy though…it helped to distract me from that ‘awesome” article.

Appetizing,Divine,Mouthwatering,Succulent…

All these words describe one of my most favoritest (yes I said favoritest) things to do…and that is indulge in delectable, appetizing, absolutely delicious foods….go ahead hate me a lil’ (but just a little) I eat almost any and everything I want…within moderation of course and don’t gain a pound well unless its goes to my booty and that is NEVER a problem (Thank you Mommy and Daddy for the good genes) Because of this beautiful blessing I indulge in tasty treats on a regular basis. Anthony’s Cookies, Bi-Rite Cremery, Memphis Minnies, Steps of Rome, Patxi’s deep dish pizza and the list goes on.