“GIRL!!! He was TOTALLY about to rub one out!!”

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” Lily Tomlin

This morning I wake up to a stream of text messages from one of my absolute favorite girlfriends who is also 9 months pregnant with her first child and is a hormonal bag of all types of crazy… much like me. Of course only the most recent message shows up when I unlock my phone but I know it’s about to get good, I scroll down to read the rest…the first frantic message I see says  “and girl…he was totally about to [masturbate] (<-I can’t use the phrase she used…I just can’t) I caught him red handed” so of course I start scrolling barely able to contain my laughter as I don’t want to wake my sleeping superman laying beside me, I slide out of bed and take my phone upstairs cause I know this can only get better. Since I don’t have a fancy iphone I can’t screen shot the conversation, Gawd I wish I could, so I’m gonna have to paraphrase so you can get the just of it. So, [Hillary] pretty much caught her man about to rub one out last night when he thought she was sound asleep in the other room. She woke up and realized he was no longer in the bed beside her as they’d both got in the bed together about 2 hours before, kissed goodnight you know the nightly ritual. She called for him, no answer, checked the bathroom, no [Tony] so she started to panic…lol (he couldn’t possibly be in the kitchen making a sandwich) She walked through the hall tip-toeing of course until she notices a blue light shining from underneath the office door, breathing a sigh of relief she gently pushes open the door ‘baby, is everything o…” she doesn’t even get the ‘k’ out before she realizes what he’s doing…watching porn (milfy porn to be exact) and totally about to get it crackin’…lotion on the desk and everything! She makes it a point to emphasize it was a bottle of lotion she’d never seen before and was equally as offended that he didn’t wake her up to join in as she was that he had a special bottle of ‘get it poppin’ lotion’…THE NERVE!

Now, I’ve finally regained my composure enough to type this AND called to get the 411 directly from her (text just wasn’t gonna do THIS story justice) Oh emm gee! I love how animated my friends can be. I DO understand her pain…she already feels like an alien because there is a hitchhiker attached to her belly but she also (mind you she is still gorgeous and glowing) feels huge and unattractive & all things of the like because her man who is probably just scared his man pole will hit the baby in the head won’t get down like they use too, so to find that he’s resorting to internet porn, the value size bottle of Jergens and PALMala probably did screw with her psyche a bit. Being that she’s just as dramatic as me I already know she probably read more into it then necessary. Anyway, I’ve been there. Not during my pregnancy (that I know of) but I’ve been there…you know…caught your boo thang having a little private time, immediately took it personal and were devastated. We as women read too much into it, we automatically think its our fault, we’re not doing a good job, he’s no longer turned on by us, he’s addicted to porn. Now yes, some of those thoughts may be true but 99.9% of the time it really has nothing to do with us. We’re sleep, busy, just gave him the side eye because he asked you to do what, now!? Doesn’t he see that you JUST got dressed and put your face on!!?? So they handle it themselves, No, I’m not saying it makes the situation any better but I’d much rather my man pay a little visit to PALMala than one of his exes…wouldn’t you??

Sidenote: When was the last time YOU had a little “me time” or paid a secret visit to good vibrations?? Ummm Hmmm…I rest my case.

STOP!! WAIT!! You are worth more then your ‘cookies’!!

STOP!! WAIT!! You are worth WAITING for!!

Okay…I’m finally ready to write on this topic. I imagine I will be faced with some scrutiny, backlash and down right objection but over the last 6 months my take on this topic has really changed….and the topic is…**DRUMROLL PLEASE** Abstinence…Waiting…Not letting any old Tom, Dick or Harry stick his grubby lil hands in the cookie jar before he has truly proven that he is worthy of the cookies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very aware women have needs. I know…I have them. But, has our concern regarding getting those needs met turned us into a bunch of lil’ trollops who give it up way too soon?? (Yes, I know that sounded a tad harsh but the truth hurts sometime) Now, I know some of you are reading this thinking…

Girl, you are wild, Isn’t Las Vegas your second home…aren’t you the girl who said wearing panties everyday was really just a waste of laundry?? Better yet…I’ve seen your Facebook pictures and you are no saint.

Yes, I am that girl…I am still proudly wild, sassy, sexy, uninhibited and FUN but the truth is, I wish I had waited, maybe not until I was married, maybe not FOREVER but just waited long enough until I knew if the guy was really worth it. Not because of the things that people have said or implied about me (based off Facebook pictures or gossip) remember people 98% of pictures are posed.

Why??? Because I am worth so much more than just my goodies.

 I realize every time I have ever slept with someone I in turn gave him a little piece of me…a little piece that I would never ever be able to get back. And let’s be real ladies…how many ‘pieces’ of us do we really have to give?? Or better yet we’ve now given so many until we have tricked ourselves into believing that if we don’t give it up he will leave. We lead with our breasts, booties and hips in hopes that we will snag a good man who is able to look past the physical. But let’s be real…men are visual creatures…they like things they can touch…breasts, booties, hips and legs. If that’s what we go into it leading with and don’t force them to get to know who we really are, brains, strengths and weaknesses, fears, hopes, religious preferences, family background, expectations etc. Then who are we to get mad when that guy treats us like a hoe?? I mean isn’t that we looked like when we walked into the club with all our nouns and adjectives on display.  (Now, I am by no way saying we should all invest in hobbits and dress like nuns) But, think about this for a minute…how many men have you cried over that you haven’t slept with?? Maybe one, if any. This is because the emotional connection once you sleep with someone is heightened. It gives you a false sense of closeness.  It’s that good ol’ oxytocin…some like to refer to it as the love hormone.  It makes you feel a connection that is truly only physical but tricks you into believing it is so much more. How much does that suck when all we’re really trying to do is get a lil’ nooky and then go on about our business and then we end up falling in love with the guy…SUCKS…right!!?  Especially when we weren’t looking for Mr. Right just Mr. Right now!

Ladies, if we give a man at least 6 months after the first three he will start to show his true colors. I call it the Real World syndrome (yeah, like the MTV show) he will show you who he is. Think about it like this…when you watch Real World everyone stays loyal to their significant others, is the sweetest person in the house they can maintain whatever image they want the house to see but only for so long. Eventually the real him will come out. If there neurotic…you’ll know. If there obsessive…you’ll know. If there controlling…you’ll know.  If there a lying cheating man who is still entertaining a relationship with his ex(ES) you will find out. Men aren’t good liars. But most of all if all they want from you is SEX…if you don’t give it up they’ll leave because there are plenty of girls out there who will give it up. Men don’t have to work anymore so don’t be THAT girl be the one he works for. You are worth more than your lady bits. Yes, while you’re making him wait he may sleep with other women…you can’t control that. Make him work and do not give him any titles or special privileges until he’s proven himself worthy. This also means don’t make him your man until he’s proven he deserves it.  Let him treat her like the booty call, make him treat you like the future wife not just the jump off. While he’s taking her to Denny’s he’s taking you on ferry rides to Sausalito weekend getaways to Tahoe and of course around his friends and out in the day time. Sidenote: If he only calls you after 10, you never get holidays or even dates in the daytime (some remote restaurant in Fresno doesn’t count) and when you guys hangout his phone is always on silent girl you are indeed the JUMPOFF!! I’m not saying a great relationship can’t spawn from a one or two night stand but the probability of that happening is about as likely as a pink moon and well…have you seen one yet girl??

Trust me…YOU are worth WAITING for. If he won’t wait he is NOT worth your time or energy and certainly not your cookies. Imagine…you ask him to wait for a month…that’s only 4 weeks, 28-31 days depending on the month and he can’t do it…what kind of no self-control having ‘man’ is that. Trust me one you DON’T want . Now, I know we can’t be perfect…mistakes happen. We can’t beat ourselves up over them but we can learn from them and not make the same mistakes over and over again. I mean how many of us gave it up EARLY and then three weeks later we’re all sitting over mimosa brunch saying how angry we are that Mr. Sexy isn’t calling anymore…won’t return our texts or worst of all…we see him out with another girl. ~Gasp…Shutter…been there, seen that…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone~

So ladies…make him wait…make him prove himself…make him prove to you that he is worth entering  your body… and that doesn’t just mean with a pedicure, nice dinner or Gucci bag!! You can get all of that yourself. Talk to him, ask questions (lots and lots of questions), listen to his responses and watch his actions…when somebody shows you who they are believe them. If we take a pair of shoes that hurt back to the store or better yet throw them away and get a new pair then why are we so careless with our hearts and bodies?? We are worth waiting for!!

So when you just need to tap into the ‘I need some right now pond’ there’s plenty of Youporn, Coochietube (just google it) and fun stuff at Good Vibrations (yep, you can buy there fun stuff online too if you don’t live in San Francisco!)  Trust me it will get you there without the headache, heartache or that dreadful oh shit…Now I got to pee on a stick!! It’s really not worth it…is it??

So, as I said before…I’m no saint…a self-proclaimed wild child to say the least but one thing I realize now is…I wish I’d waited…and one day you may too.

“You never wish you’d waited until you find that special someone who you wish you had waited for.”

Vibrators…Dildos…TOYS…OH MY!!!

Uhhhh Fido...where did you get that??

Ok…where do we start??  Mom & Dad if you happen to stumble upon this **SURPRISE** I’m not a virgin anymore. (I know, I know ya probably didn’t wanna find out until after I was married and told you, you were going to be grand-parents but this is way better. To find out on the internet… in my own words…RIGHT?? I mean at least it was from me and not in the form of a sex tape…ala Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton.  As a twentysomething who has yet to hit her sexual peak (Man, I can’t wait till my thirty somethings)  I find that more often than not in conversation with my friends the topic of toys come up. Do you use them? Would you use them? Where do you buy them? Can you use them in bed with your MAN? And for some odd reason…I usually have all the answers to these questions. Yes, toys are a tad taboo but let me get this straight for all the men out there who always wonder: Do toys mean I’m not good enough?? NO NO did I mention NO?? Toys are amazing, fantastic, brillilant little balls of pleasure and greatness!! Alone as well as with your partner. Sometimes a toy can brighten a dull moment, enhance an already heightened one or help you discover that “oooo weeee” spot you never even knew existed.  Personally I’m a big fan of toys that vibrate…I mean who wants to do any work (especially when you’re alone)? I just wanna get there and go to bed since I usually have class in the morning. On the contrary I’ve had some of the most fun with my Man and a new battery operated friend…its kinda like a threesome but NOT. Amongst friends my favorite gift to give is usually something fun from Good Vibrations. If you’re in the bay area or close to it I like to encourage going in there and just browsing, asking questions and seeing what they have to offer. It’s not one of those sleazy sex shops its more like a sex toy boutique. It’s cute, spacious and in the Valencia branch you can even sit on the comfy cushions and browse the sex books. Almost everything they carry is already out of the box somewhere in the store so you can touch, turn on, read and even rent porn (I’m not sure who pays for porn anymore but that’s a different blog for a totally different day.) But if you’re crazy shy or embarrassed  you can always order online  http://www.goodvibes.com

 

"When the mans away...the girl will play"

If all else fails and your modesty gets the best of you, those little 3 prong  vibrating “back massagers” that are sold by the register at Walgreens work pretty darn good too…**cough cough** not like I’ve tried them or anything.

PS. Mom and Dad I hope you don’t hate me and Daddy…I’m still your Princess!!