“GIRL!!! He was TOTALLY about to rub one out!!”

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” Lily Tomlin

This morning I wake up to a stream of text messages from one of my absolute favorite girlfriends who is also 9 months pregnant with her first child and is a hormonal bag of all types of crazy… much like me. Of course only the most recent message shows up when I unlock my phone but I know it’s about to get good, I scroll down to read the rest…the first frantic message I see says  “and girl…he was totally about to [masturbate] (<-I can’t use the phrase she used…I just can’t) I caught him red handed” so of course I start scrolling barely able to contain my laughter as I don’t want to wake my sleeping superman laying beside me, I slide out of bed and take my phone upstairs cause I know this can only get better. Since I don’t have a fancy iphone I can’t screen shot the conversation, Gawd I wish I could, so I’m gonna have to paraphrase so you can get the just of it. So, [Hillary] pretty much caught her man about to rub one out last night when he thought she was sound asleep in the other room. She woke up and realized he was no longer in the bed beside her as they’d both got in the bed together about 2 hours before, kissed goodnight you know the nightly ritual. She called for him, no answer, checked the bathroom, no [Tony] so she started to panic…lol (he couldn’t possibly be in the kitchen making a sandwich) She walked through the hall tip-toeing of course until she notices a blue light shining from underneath the office door, breathing a sigh of relief she gently pushes open the door ‘baby, is everything o…” she doesn’t even get the ‘k’ out before she realizes what he’s doing…watching porn (milfy porn to be exact) and totally about to get it crackin’…lotion on the desk and everything! She makes it a point to emphasize it was a bottle of lotion she’d never seen before and was equally as offended that he didn’t wake her up to join in as she was that he had a special bottle of ‘get it poppin’ lotion’…THE NERVE!

Now, I’ve finally regained my composure enough to type this AND called to get the 411 directly from her (text just wasn’t gonna do THIS story justice) Oh emm gee! I love how animated my friends can be. I DO understand her pain…she already feels like an alien because there is a hitchhiker attached to her belly but she also (mind you she is still gorgeous and glowing) feels huge and unattractive & all things of the like because her man who is probably just scared his man pole will hit the baby in the head won’t get down like they use too, so to find that he’s resorting to internet porn, the value size bottle of Jergens and PALMala probably did screw with her psyche a bit. Being that she’s just as dramatic as me I already know she probably read more into it then necessary. Anyway, I’ve been there. Not during my pregnancy (that I know of) but I’ve been there…you know…caught your boo thang having a little private time, immediately took it personal and were devastated. We as women read too much into it, we automatically think its our fault, we’re not doing a good job, he’s no longer turned on by us, he’s addicted to porn. Now yes, some of those thoughts may be true but 99.9% of the time it really has nothing to do with us. We’re sleep, busy, just gave him the side eye because he asked you to do what, now!? Doesn’t he see that you JUST got dressed and put your face on!!?? So they handle it themselves, No, I’m not saying it makes the situation any better but I’d much rather my man pay a little visit to PALMala than one of his exes…wouldn’t you??

Sidenote: When was the last time YOU had a little “me time” or paid a secret visit to good vibrations?? Ummm Hmmm…I rest my case.

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“Mini cooper girl”

“I don’t know why they call it a Walk of Shame. You just had sex last night and now everyone knows it… Sounds like a Walk of Win to me.”

-Unknown (but probably written by a man)

So, I have these neighbors. I’d say there probably in there late twenties, early thirties. Pretty attractive guys (for what I can see behind there inappropriately dark shades), well-groomed, the “I totally tried but I want to look like I didn’t” type outfits and they drive the kind of cars that say “Look at me…I’m driving the cool car”  Now, I’m no rocket scientist but I’m quite the observationalist and after living next door to them for the last 6 months I’ve noticed a few things/ but one cause for concern. My first being that the number of women that enter and exit that premise on any given day can range from 2-6. No not 2 to 6 years old but 2-6 different women. Now this is no brothel or top-secret modeling agency just a few charismatic young gentleman who happen to have what I like to call “reckless penis syndrome” now, I will admit, I could be totally wrong, maybe it is a top-secret modeling agency or maybe, just maybe they all are meeting for prayer BUT go with me here; when I take the pup out for his morning walk and the lady of the evening is leaving in her sparkly after 10pm dress with bed head and smudged eyeliner I’m led to believe there might have been some getting on your knees but not the kind you do in church on Sunday. I digress..so here is my main cause for concern. There is one particular young lady who me and the honey call “mini cooper girl” she drives this teal mini and on more than one occasion she is or shall I say isn’t the chosen girl of the evening and we observe her sitting in her mini in front of the entrance to our communal garage just sitting…waiting…patiently. Feverishly texting guy #1 or guy #2  (I’m not sure which one is her chosen one) and consistently being ignored. Sadly, I know the reason she’s being ignored is because there is another girl up there, I’ve met my share of them in the elevator. I mean she will sit out there for hours and hours buzzing the intercom to there apartment and they just will not buzz her up. Now, I think what is so puzzling to me is that you can clearly see if their cars are inside the garage or not and if both cars are there, there is a 99% chance both guys are there too and they just ignore her. They could give her the access code if they wanted too and then she wouldn’t even have to buzz she could just let herself in but apparently they just don’t want her to have that level of access to the hoegarden. So, here’s where she gets the side eye… this chick has even asked me to buzz up or even on the most recent occasion let her in the garage to park because “there expecting her” of course I never do, I mean she could be a serial killer 😉 but really where does one’s dignity step in? Honey, you are not the lady of the evening… tonight. Yes, they are up there and yes, they are ignoring your calls, texts, smoke signals and carrier pigeons so have some dignity and take your butt home! Do you know how desperate you look?? I mean we make a game of it now…we take bets on if/when you’ll get let in and then go peek over the balcony and see…so far you’ve waited for 1 hour and 19 minutes **shakes head**  Sweet pea, you only get invited over during booty call hours to be swiftly ushered out the door the following day before noon, and you ALWAYS leave in the same clothes. I know it may be hard to accept but you are indeed a jump off, bootycall…late night rendezvous may be your title of choice…not sure what you like to call yourself, but here is what I am sure of **drumroll please** You will NEVER get invited home to meet the parentals SO if you want to be that girl then just keep doing what you’re doing however if you’d like to not be that girl then grow some balls and put Mr. Hotty in 502 on your ‘dont answer’ list and go home.  You can always reinvent your desperate ways for the next one and just be the cool, calm and collected girl who calls the shots. He never has to know you’d sit in front of his house for hours to see if he’ll pick you that evening. Desperate Denise can become Desirable Diane in a heartbeat. Men will always treat you the way you allow them too and of course this goes without saying but if you are always “available” where’s the fun in that?? As my Mama always said “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free??” Or maybe just maybe ‘He’s just not that into you’…

Reader Question (How do I stop cheating??)

Last night I received the following question from one of my loyal readers…A GUY!!! That doesn’t happen to often. Usually I’ll just email them a response back, but I thought this was a very real question and felt the need to share it with all of you, I asked his permission of course and promised him I would post his question exactly as he sent it as well as remove any identifying names so here it goes…

I think its a little gay to ask for advice but my boy {name removed} said you gave him some good advice. im sitting here at his spot right now he says thanks for what you told him. Since me and my girl can’t really afford a professional person right now I wondered if you guys could give me some advice. I read your blog and y’all give some good advice. I love my chick and she tells me she loves me and I believe her. Are relationship hasnt been perfect but shes a down chick. I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it. We have been together for almost 2 years now and the problem is i have cheated twice. I know, why mess up with such a good girl, in spite she did a few things to hurt me to. Staying out late with her girls, not picking up her phone just shit to get under my skin, lied about little shit. I deserved it and took it because i sholdnt have messed up. Well, now after this last time she says she wants us to start over, be all the way honest and stuff. I want to do that for her because she is a good girlfriend but I always get hella weak when i get around other chicks.
i dont know what it is cuz when im home with her i adoor and dont want nobody else, she always makes me happy when were togehter but its like when im not around her i forget. What do I do? I dont want to loose my chick its the first 1 that i actually have fun with and actually just like kickin it with her but i also dont know if i can give her what she is asking. I want to be able to keep her, i want to do right by her. Im 35 and she is 29 so it aint like were kids. Can you help me?

Dear Good Heart not so good judgment,

Well, I am so happy that you decided to reach out to me. Your friend and his fiance have reached out to me numerous times about their relationship and challenges they are facing and I’m so happy to be able to help them. I’m so excited for them and the steps that they are taking to a real, true and honest relationship.  Any who, let’s get to your question. Well, I have been thinking about how to answer it all day. I am going to do everything in my power to not be bias but to tell you how I really feel. So you started off your question by saying you love your girlfriend and she loves you. Lets start off with the definition of love. Webster says love is: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  So in all honesty that just means you like her A LOT, A WHOLE LOT and that you care for her. I’m not saying love isn’t important but just by going off the dictionary definition lets just call it what it is. I was going to get into the biblical definition as well but I don’t want to get to preachy. When you love someone you don’t do things to  hurt them. When you have a profound, tender and passionate affection for someone you just don’t do things to hurt them. Plain and SIMPLE. You said your relationship hasn’t been perfect. That is ok, nobodies relationship is perfect. Nope. not even the Obama’s and I’m pretty positive if Cliff and Claire Huxtable had been real people raising 5 kids in New York their relationship would have been riddled with real life problems that didn’t get solved in a 30 minute episode either. You know, I bet Joseph and Mary even had a few words  in the barn when she turned up pregnant and the two of them hadn’t slept together. So don’t beat yourself up for not having a perfect relationship any honest couple would tell you there’s isn’t perfect either. So you said you cheated on your girlfriend…twice. Ummm,well …. hmm…about that…okay, we’ll… The first time we can chalk up whatever action to a mistake, bad judgment, temptation,too much alchohol…whatever.  The second time that action was a clear, conscience choice. Yes, it may sound harsh but you were being selfish thinking only of self and didn’t care that you may hurt your girlfriend all you wanted to do was get off. Now you say you cheated twice, I am assuming this is physical cheating. Wither you had sex, just got a handjob or only kissed another women it was wrong, completely wrong. There is no way that I can give you any reason or make an excuse for why that was ok. Cheating is NEVER ok. Let me repeat that cheating is NEVER ok. You said “I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it.” It seems to me that this is a good women. I don’t think she is perfect but from your brief description she appears to be someone who cares about your whole person. Your health (Im assuming this means encouraging you to make healthy habits), if you are successful (which means I assume she is supporting your dreams) she even cares about you family and you feel like you don’t deserve it? Why do you feel that way? Would you say it’s because you cheated or because you just don’t deserve to be cared for. as a whole? I’d like you to answer those questions for me in an email because I’d like to delve into that further. Any who, You recognize you have a good thing, so, why cheat? I have been on both sides of this equation the difference is I cheated in response to being cheated on, just a bad combination but since I’m being honest I’ll be 100% honest.  I’m not saying my cheating was better or worse it just is what it is. Once I cheat I don’t respect you and this relationship probably won’t go anywhere long-term. Which is why no matter how bad it gets if I love you and see a potential future with you I will not sleep with anyone else while I am in that relationship no matter what. When I was younger I just dated to date now I think much more long-term. On the contrary, when I ws cheated on the guy just wasn’t ready to stop. It was a conscience choice. He continued to chose new and old vagina over our relationship. It stings to admit but that  is the reality. Growing up, saying no to other women and being content with one person was something he just chose not to do. Yes, chose. 

Cheating hurts, I don’t want to intentionally hurt someone I love.  If I really love you and I really care about you I won’t cheat. Now If my partner cheats on me and I still care about him and want to work it out there is a possibility that I may do something devious, text an ex, not answer my phone late at night when I’m out with the girls just little petty childish things to piss the guy off and get his attention. No it’s not right, its actually quite stupid, but I want to remind him that I’m desired, and if he messes up again there will be someone to fill his shoes. It seems like this may be the path your girlfriend took when she did similar things after finding out you had been unfaithful. We want to get back at you but we don’t want to end the relationship. Childish?? Yes. Of course the thing to do would be to talk it out and work through it, admit your faults and do whatever she needs you to do to regain her trust (this is if you still want to be together) if not…throw up the deuces and part ways. Understand picking up the pieces and going on to have a successful, loving and trusting relationship after cheating is hard very hard but it can be done. I’ve seen it be done, more than once. I have not successfully done it yet but if I had a partner who cheated and I still saw a future with them and he was willing to work through it I would do it, why because we all make mistakes and it takes a very big person to forgive. I’ve lived long enough to realize that. Now would he be willing to turn in his player card, retire from the game and realize I am enough, not be tempted by his single friends still playing the field, and turn down the allure of new vagina is the question. Most men truly aren’t ready to put an end to their extended adolescence. They are only forced to do so once either they get to old, someone close to them dies (which shows life doesn’t last forever and they simply get scared) or something jolts them to reality and forces them to grow up immediately.  Yes honey extended adolescence can extend to 30+ and sadly a lot of men are often sidetracked by the allure of other new and exciting women, but the reality is until God calls all of us home there will always be someone new, seemingly more exciting, bigger boobs, a bigger butt, and all that stuff that makes you think with your little head instead of your big one. You have to be man enough to GROW UP and say NO.  Trust me the more you say no the easier it becomes. Practice does make perfect. Take your butt home after the club. Dont respond to the late night text from your ex or previous bed buddy. Mr.Number is the best  smart phone application known to man. I have set all numbers (calls and texts) that can even be remotely tempting to be immediately declined and never to show up on my phone not even in my missed call log. Out of sight out of mind. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t. Nobody is holding you down and forcing your penis inside their vagina. Yes, it sounds a little vulgar but its the truth. Cheating ALWAYS takes two, don’t be the other person in that equation. JUST STOP!! <-Yes, I am yelling. You say she’s a good girl, you say you have fun with her and you love her so you have to ask yourself whats more important. New p*ssy or having a committed partner who is going to love you, support you and forgive you in spite of the fact that you cheated on her…TWICE!! It takes a real women to forgive a cheater and still want to be with them. You said in your second to last sentence “you don’t know if you can give her what she’s asking” What she’s asking seems pretty simple to me. She wants you to be honest going forward and don’t cheat, she’s not asking you for a ring and to buy her a house. Understand this request isn’t specific to your girlfriend. Any women worth her salt is going to request that you are honest with her and don’t cheat and if they accept you cheating and just turn a blind  she doesn’t value herself and do you really want to be with someone like that? I don’t think so. You’re 35 years old (that’s 5 years from 40 my love) its time to stop playing games, chasing tail WILL get old. You need to be the type of guy you want your.unborn daughter to be with. Either you decide to change so you can keep a good women or you don’t those are really your only options. Both of those are choices that only YOU can make. Time is fleeting and no women will wait forever.

“The stronger person always forgives first”

“Good relationships don’t just happen overnight. They take time, patience, forgiveness and two people who are willing to go through the fire to be together”

PS.I am not sure if you’re a Christian but I was accused of being a bit preachy and bible thumperish by a few readers SO If you would like an answer from a more biblical perspective don’t hesitate to let me know via email.

-Good Luck Darlin (Let me know how it goes)

Once a Cheater always a Cheater…true or false??

One of my best friends Imelda posted this blog title as her Facebook status today and I felt it deserved a blog post as I’ve argued this with numerous men and women in my life. Men I dated and those I didn’t as well. My thoughts are pretty plain and simple.

“Cheating is a choice. Men cheat and Women cheat but it is never ok!”

 I’ve been cheated on and although I wasn’t in the head of the cheater I can say most people who cheat have a million and one excuses as to why they did what they did. Usually they somehow find a way to shift that reasoning and make it your fault. Wither it was because they didn’t trust you, thought you were cheating, weren’t secure in themselves had some carnal hedonistic desire to ‘conquer’ as many women as they possibly could or just weren’t  all that attractive to the opposite sex when they were younger and now that they are they try to screw everything that crosses their path. Whatever the ‘reason’ its NEVER ok. Let’s also make it clear, cheating is not always physical its mental, spiritual and emotional. None is less of an offense then the other. From experience its easier for me to forgive a physical cheater but when you see countless emails, texts and conversations of someone confessing their affection for another that’s a little harder to shake. Whatever the reason or excuse  as stated before its NEVER ok. When you really love someone you don’t cheat on them, plain and simple because if the other person finds out it will hurt and I don’t know very many people who are in the business of deliberately hurting those they love.

It has to be an active daily pursuit to know longer want to be a cheater. Not cheating takes work just like quitting drugs. Its serious and can ruin your life and any chance of a healthy relationship if you don’t actively work on changing the behavior but the person has to WANT to change, not for someone else, not because it’s what society expects but because they see a problem, realize if they don’t change they’ll be alone forever and then they have to change. Removing people from their lives who cheat or condone cheating is very important too. Kinda like drug addiction…if you’re trying to quit all your friends can’t be drug addicts or you’re just gonna be a hamster in a wheel. Always running but getting nowhere. I’ve been told time and time again “just because my friends cheat doesn’t mean I will or can’t think for myself” this could be true but sadly we are more like the company that we keep then not. I knew a guy and the majority of his friends either cheated on there wives, girlfriends, women they dated etc. When these friends would come into town they would ask me to bring friends to ‘hangout’ and I’d know they were married, in some cases I even knew there girlfriends and LIKED them. Such an awkward situation to be in! Some would justify the behavior others would admit it was wrong rare. Regardless, when everyone around you is getting away with cheating I’d bet you’re more inclined to try…even if its just once.

Choice is one of the most important words in the human language. Do I speed or drive the speed limit? Should I tell my friend I’m sick or just that I’d rather not hang out today? Do I admit to my partner that although I initiated the relationship I realize now that I’m not ready and need some time to get ready? It’s always easier to take the path of least resistance but as an adult think long-term, what is more important in the long run? If you start cheating then you have to continue to live that lie forever, seems pretty stressful to me.

Once a Cheater always a cheater…true or false? I say false as I prefer to refrain from absolutes and believe that people can always change but you have to want to change, all the coaxing in the world can’t make someone abandon a learned behavior overnight. They must admit they have a problem and begin down the path to fixing it IF they ever want to have a sucessful relationship that is.

How long should one wait??

So you’re in a relationship with the person you think you’re going to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Then someone (maybe you) throw a wrench in the plan. Its decided by one or both parties that a ‘break’ is necessary. Not a go screw other people run wild in Vegas with no regrets type a break but an ‘I need to figure out if you’re truly the one for me and I truly want to be with you forever and ever kind of break’ Figuring it out without any distraction from the other person…how long should one wait??

I’m asking because… after speaking with both men and women who have requested a ‘break’ from their perspective partners neither of the parties seem to be concerned with the fact that during their break the other party is just sitting in a holding pattern…patiently waiting. Hoping and praying that they are the chosen one.  Assuming this is a one-sided break when is enough a enough? What are some of the choices that should be made before going on thus said break? Do you still talk or see each other? Is sexy time off-limits or do you go cold-turkey…no contact?? Your in site please, inquiring minds want to know.

STOP!! WAIT!! You are worth more then your ‘cookies’!!

STOP!! WAIT!! You are worth WAITING for!!

Okay…I’m finally ready to write on this topic. I imagine I will be faced with some scrutiny, backlash and down right objection but over the last 6 months my take on this topic has really changed….and the topic is…**DRUMROLL PLEASE** Abstinence…Waiting…Not letting any old Tom, Dick or Harry stick his grubby lil hands in the cookie jar before he has truly proven that he is worthy of the cookies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very aware women have needs. I know…I have them. But, has our concern regarding getting those needs met turned us into a bunch of lil’ trollops who give it up way too soon?? (Yes, I know that sounded a tad harsh but the truth hurts sometime) Now, I know some of you are reading this thinking…

Girl, you are wild, Isn’t Las Vegas your second home…aren’t you the girl who said wearing panties everyday was really just a waste of laundry?? Better yet…I’ve seen your Facebook pictures and you are no saint.

Yes, I am that girl…I am still proudly wild, sassy, sexy, uninhibited and FUN but the truth is, I wish I had waited, maybe not until I was married, maybe not FOREVER but just waited long enough until I knew if the guy was really worth it. Not because of the things that people have said or implied about me (based off Facebook pictures or gossip) remember people 98% of pictures are posed.

Why??? Because I am worth so much more than just my goodies.

 I realize every time I have ever slept with someone I in turn gave him a little piece of me…a little piece that I would never ever be able to get back. And let’s be real ladies…how many ‘pieces’ of us do we really have to give?? Or better yet we’ve now given so many until we have tricked ourselves into believing that if we don’t give it up he will leave. We lead with our breasts, booties and hips in hopes that we will snag a good man who is able to look past the physical. But let’s be real…men are visual creatures…they like things they can touch…breasts, booties, hips and legs. If that’s what we go into it leading with and don’t force them to get to know who we really are, brains, strengths and weaknesses, fears, hopes, religious preferences, family background, expectations etc. Then who are we to get mad when that guy treats us like a hoe?? I mean isn’t that we looked like when we walked into the club with all our nouns and adjectives on display.  (Now, I am by no way saying we should all invest in hobbits and dress like nuns) But, think about this for a minute…how many men have you cried over that you haven’t slept with?? Maybe one, if any. This is because the emotional connection once you sleep with someone is heightened. It gives you a false sense of closeness.  It’s that good ol’ oxytocin…some like to refer to it as the love hormone.  It makes you feel a connection that is truly only physical but tricks you into believing it is so much more. How much does that suck when all we’re really trying to do is get a lil’ nooky and then go on about our business and then we end up falling in love with the guy…SUCKS…right!!?  Especially when we weren’t looking for Mr. Right just Mr. Right now!

Ladies, if we give a man at least 6 months after the first three he will start to show his true colors. I call it the Real World syndrome (yeah, like the MTV show) he will show you who he is. Think about it like this…when you watch Real World everyone stays loyal to their significant others, is the sweetest person in the house they can maintain whatever image they want the house to see but only for so long. Eventually the real him will come out. If there neurotic…you’ll know. If there obsessive…you’ll know. If there controlling…you’ll know.  If there a lying cheating man who is still entertaining a relationship with his ex(ES) you will find out. Men aren’t good liars. But most of all if all they want from you is SEX…if you don’t give it up they’ll leave because there are plenty of girls out there who will give it up. Men don’t have to work anymore so don’t be THAT girl be the one he works for. You are worth more than your lady bits. Yes, while you’re making him wait he may sleep with other women…you can’t control that. Make him work and do not give him any titles or special privileges until he’s proven himself worthy. This also means don’t make him your man until he’s proven he deserves it.  Let him treat her like the booty call, make him treat you like the future wife not just the jump off. While he’s taking her to Denny’s he’s taking you on ferry rides to Sausalito weekend getaways to Tahoe and of course around his friends and out in the day time. Sidenote: If he only calls you after 10, you never get holidays or even dates in the daytime (some remote restaurant in Fresno doesn’t count) and when you guys hangout his phone is always on silent girl you are indeed the JUMPOFF!! I’m not saying a great relationship can’t spawn from a one or two night stand but the probability of that happening is about as likely as a pink moon and well…have you seen one yet girl??

Trust me…YOU are worth WAITING for. If he won’t wait he is NOT worth your time or energy and certainly not your cookies. Imagine…you ask him to wait for a month…that’s only 4 weeks, 28-31 days depending on the month and he can’t do it…what kind of no self-control having ‘man’ is that. Trust me one you DON’T want . Now, I know we can’t be perfect…mistakes happen. We can’t beat ourselves up over them but we can learn from them and not make the same mistakes over and over again. I mean how many of us gave it up EARLY and then three weeks later we’re all sitting over mimosa brunch saying how angry we are that Mr. Sexy isn’t calling anymore…won’t return our texts or worst of all…we see him out with another girl. ~Gasp…Shutter…been there, seen that…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone~

So ladies…make him wait…make him prove himself…make him prove to you that he is worth entering  your body… and that doesn’t just mean with a pedicure, nice dinner or Gucci bag!! You can get all of that yourself. Talk to him, ask questions (lots and lots of questions), listen to his responses and watch his actions…when somebody shows you who they are believe them. If we take a pair of shoes that hurt back to the store or better yet throw them away and get a new pair then why are we so careless with our hearts and bodies?? We are worth waiting for!!

So when you just need to tap into the ‘I need some right now pond’ there’s plenty of Youporn, Coochietube (just google it) and fun stuff at Good Vibrations (yep, you can buy there fun stuff online too if you don’t live in San Francisco!)  Trust me it will get you there without the headache, heartache or that dreadful oh shit…Now I got to pee on a stick!! It’s really not worth it…is it??

So, as I said before…I’m no saint…a self-proclaimed wild child to say the least but one thing I realize now is…I wish I’d waited…and one day you may too.

“You never wish you’d waited until you find that special someone who you wish you had waited for.”

Mama needs a cocktail…with her GIRLS!!

Okay…so today I had an epiphany while sitting in class…wait, wait..let me start out by saying I do truly LOVE my boyfriend. I don’t want there to be any confusion as we proceed. I love spending time with him, catching up on our DVR’d shows, snuggling on the couch, falling asleep in each others arms, cooking and eating together, having one to many cocktails, grown-up cardio, patio chats,his laugh, the way he pinches my butt when we’re in public places,his smile, okay…maybe I’m a tad bit obsessed but not psycho status just ‘Wow!! He’s amazing how did I ever get so lucky…”  Just being in his presence is more then enough for me, but I realized something today when he got a wild hair up his butt and decided to go play basketball, it made me mad…like throughly pissed me off to the point where I still had an attitude an hour after I left his house and was sitting in class. I realized  Men do what they want, when they want. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing…I think we all can be a little selfish when it comes to how we choose to spend our time at times but what I suddenly realized was while I’ve been “nesting” as women tend to do soon after we get in a relationship…you know…cook, plan stuff for the two of you to do together, sleep in and snuggle on Saturday mornings when you really just wanna go wander the aisles of DSW in a fabulous outfit and bright red lipstick, have popcorn and wine for dinner instead of breaking out the Betty Crocker hat EVERY NIGHT, lay around in your un-sexy pjs while watching Lifetime movies or Sex and the City re-runs, or put on your tiniest dress and highest heels and have a play date with the girls WE instantly operate in WE mode. What are WE going to do this weekend? What are WE going to have for dinner? What should WE watch on TV? I find myself always operating in the plural…the singular  me took a sabbatical sometime around Thanksgiving and I’m kinda starting to miss her…singular not SINGLE. (I swore I saw my face on the side of a milk carton at Whole Foods yesterday…no lie). The caption read:

Last seen cupcakin' in Portrero Hill

“Have you seen this girl?? Fun, Vivacious, Mildly inappropriate…enjoys dancing on tables, taking her puppy to the beach and just being FABULOUS!!?”

No, I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK-UP with my man. No, I do not want to date other people or any silly madness like that but I do need to find ME again the balance between being his partner but not losing myself or neglecting my friends.

What do you want for dinner? What do you want to do today? Whats your schedule looking like this week? Do you like this outfit? Your apartment suddenly becomes more like a hotel then your girly cavern of amazement because you’re only there long enough to change,shower, pack a new bag and scurry back over to his place. Now, in my case yes my boys place is huge, has a great patio, is in a cool neighborhood in San Francisco (nowhere near as cool as mine though) and he makes me feel more than welcome when I’m there…even gave me my own set of keys (free to come and go as I please)  but it’s just not mine and no matter how comfortable I feel or how much I love being there I miss my Mission castle and wouldn’t mind cooking in my kitchen every now and then. I miss my window box, the fact that I can turn my bathroom and bedroom into a total disaster when I’m getting dressed…even when I’m only getting dressed to go take the Prince on a walk. I can have resees pieces for breakfast without feeling like a fatty, but most of all having all my clothes and shoes to choose from when its time to get ready to go out instead of being tied to those skinny jeans and a cardigan that no longer look skinny or the cardigan that is now too warm because SF decided to have one of its Summer in Winter days without checking with me first.  Ladies…I know YOU felt me on that one.

So tomorrow morning I’m going to meet with my trainer bright and early. I’m getting my wobbly bits back to ballet and am enrolling in guitar lessons as soon as I can find a patient instructor. I’m going to my pole dancing classes with Alycakes, will be doing mid-week drinks with Ashley and sometimes just going home to my sanctuary (even itf its just for a couple of hours) because HELL I’m still paying rent and monthly parking there and if you know SF that madness is NOT cheap!

I don’t believe in cohabitation before marriage…I think its very important for both people involved to have there own home and then find one together AFTER he likes it so much he put that ROCK on it… but for the mean time even though it seems fun and sexy and the ‘right’ thing to do, to sit up under each other 24/7 DON’T! Take a breather every now and then…spend time with your girls…don’t forget who YOU are. The fun, sexy, spontaneous, vivacious you is why he picked you to be his girlfriend. Plus, spending time apart will defiently make the ‘grown-up cardio’ even more fun once you’re back in the same room. Keep it fresh, keep it fun, still put on lip gloss and heels just because…and don’t let him see you in your everyday bra no matter how comfortable you feel.

This way when he grabs his basketball shorts you just grab your yoga mat…go work up a sweat…go back to your house…slip into something sexy….reconvene in a few hours and go out with your boy or your girls for a cocktail or three then come home and hop in HIS California King bed because no matter how much you want to be in your Princess Palace every now and then we all know it’s NO FUN TO SLEEP ALONE!! I wouldn’t trade falling asleep in his arms for all the tea in China but sometimes…just sometimes its good to have a lil’ me time because balance IS important…

PS. Did I say how much I loved my boyfriend??