“GIRL!!! He was TOTALLY about to rub one out!!”

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” Lily Tomlin

This morning I wake up to a stream of text messages from one of my absolute favorite girlfriends who is also 9 months pregnant with her first child and is a hormonal bag of all types of crazy… much like me. Of course only the most recent message shows up when I unlock my phone but I know it’s about to get good, I scroll down to read the rest…the first frantic message I see says  “and girl…he was totally about to [masturbate] (<-I can’t use the phrase she used…I just can’t) I caught him red handed” so of course I start scrolling barely able to contain my laughter as I don’t want to wake my sleeping superman laying beside me, I slide out of bed and take my phone upstairs cause I know this can only get better. Since I don’t have a fancy iphone I can’t screen shot the conversation, Gawd I wish I could, so I’m gonna have to paraphrase so you can get the just of it. So, [Hillary] pretty much caught her man about to rub one out last night when he thought she was sound asleep in the other room. She woke up and realized he was no longer in the bed beside her as they’d both got in the bed together about 2 hours before, kissed goodnight you know the nightly ritual. She called for him, no answer, checked the bathroom, no [Tony] so she started to panic…lol (he couldn’t possibly be in the kitchen making a sandwich) She walked through the hall tip-toeing of course until she notices a blue light shining from underneath the office door, breathing a sigh of relief she gently pushes open the door ‘baby, is everything o…” she doesn’t even get the ‘k’ out before she realizes what he’s doing…watching porn (milfy porn to be exact) and totally about to get it crackin’…lotion on the desk and everything! She makes it a point to emphasize it was a bottle of lotion she’d never seen before and was equally as offended that he didn’t wake her up to join in as she was that he had a special bottle of ‘get it poppin’ lotion’…THE NERVE!

Now, I’ve finally regained my composure enough to type this AND called to get the 411 directly from her (text just wasn’t gonna do THIS story justice) Oh emm gee! I love how animated my friends can be. I DO understand her pain…she already feels like an alien because there is a hitchhiker attached to her belly but she also (mind you she is still gorgeous and glowing) feels huge and unattractive & all things of the like because her man who is probably just scared his man pole will hit the baby in the head won’t get down like they use too, so to find that he’s resorting to internet porn, the value size bottle of Jergens and PALMala probably did screw with her psyche a bit. Being that she’s just as dramatic as me I already know she probably read more into it then necessary. Anyway, I’ve been there. Not during my pregnancy (that I know of) but I’ve been there…you know…caught your boo thang having a little private time, immediately took it personal and were devastated. We as women read too much into it, we automatically think its our fault, we’re not doing a good job, he’s no longer turned on by us, he’s addicted to porn. Now yes, some of those thoughts may be true but 99.9% of the time it really has nothing to do with us. We’re sleep, busy, just gave him the side eye because he asked you to do what, now!? Doesn’t he see that you JUST got dressed and put your face on!!?? So they handle it themselves, No, I’m not saying it makes the situation any better but I’d much rather my man pay a little visit to PALMala than one of his exes…wouldn’t you??

Sidenote: When was the last time YOU had a little “me time” or paid a secret visit to good vibrations?? Ummm Hmmm…I rest my case.

Reader Question (How do I stop cheating??)

Last night I received the following question from one of my loyal readers…A GUY!!! That doesn’t happen to often. Usually I’ll just email them a response back, but I thought this was a very real question and felt the need to share it with all of you, I asked his permission of course and promised him I would post his question exactly as he sent it as well as remove any identifying names so here it goes…

I think its a little gay to ask for advice but my boy {name removed} said you gave him some good advice. im sitting here at his spot right now he says thanks for what you told him. Since me and my girl can’t really afford a professional person right now I wondered if you guys could give me some advice. I read your blog and y’all give some good advice. I love my chick and she tells me she loves me and I believe her. Are relationship hasnt been perfect but shes a down chick. I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it. We have been together for almost 2 years now and the problem is i have cheated twice. I know, why mess up with such a good girl, in spite she did a few things to hurt me to. Staying out late with her girls, not picking up her phone just shit to get under my skin, lied about little shit. I deserved it and took it because i sholdnt have messed up. Well, now after this last time she says she wants us to start over, be all the way honest and stuff. I want to do that for her because she is a good girlfriend but I always get hella weak when i get around other chicks.
i dont know what it is cuz when im home with her i adoor and dont want nobody else, she always makes me happy when were togehter but its like when im not around her i forget. What do I do? I dont want to loose my chick its the first 1 that i actually have fun with and actually just like kickin it with her but i also dont know if i can give her what she is asking. I want to be able to keep her, i want to do right by her. Im 35 and she is 29 so it aint like were kids. Can you help me?

Dear Good Heart not so good judgment,

Well, I am so happy that you decided to reach out to me. Your friend and his fiance have reached out to me numerous times about their relationship and challenges they are facing and I’m so happy to be able to help them. I’m so excited for them and the steps that they are taking to a real, true and honest relationship.  Any who, let’s get to your question. Well, I have been thinking about how to answer it all day. I am going to do everything in my power to not be bias but to tell you how I really feel. So you started off your question by saying you love your girlfriend and she loves you. Lets start off with the definition of love. Webster says love is: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  So in all honesty that just means you like her A LOT, A WHOLE LOT and that you care for her. I’m not saying love isn’t important but just by going off the dictionary definition lets just call it what it is. I was going to get into the biblical definition as well but I don’t want to get to preachy. When you love someone you don’t do things to  hurt them. When you have a profound, tender and passionate affection for someone you just don’t do things to hurt them. Plain and SIMPLE. You said your relationship hasn’t been perfect. That is ok, nobodies relationship is perfect. Nope. not even the Obama’s and I’m pretty positive if Cliff and Claire Huxtable had been real people raising 5 kids in New York their relationship would have been riddled with real life problems that didn’t get solved in a 30 minute episode either. You know, I bet Joseph and Mary even had a few words  in the barn when she turned up pregnant and the two of them hadn’t slept together. So don’t beat yourself up for not having a perfect relationship any honest couple would tell you there’s isn’t perfect either. So you said you cheated on your girlfriend…twice. Ummm,well …. hmm…about that…okay, we’ll… The first time we can chalk up whatever action to a mistake, bad judgment, temptation,too much alchohol…whatever.  The second time that action was a clear, conscience choice. Yes, it may sound harsh but you were being selfish thinking only of self and didn’t care that you may hurt your girlfriend all you wanted to do was get off. Now you say you cheated twice, I am assuming this is physical cheating. Wither you had sex, just got a handjob or only kissed another women it was wrong, completely wrong. There is no way that I can give you any reason or make an excuse for why that was ok. Cheating is NEVER ok. Let me repeat that cheating is NEVER ok. You said “I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it.” It seems to me that this is a good women. I don’t think she is perfect but from your brief description she appears to be someone who cares about your whole person. Your health (Im assuming this means encouraging you to make healthy habits), if you are successful (which means I assume she is supporting your dreams) she even cares about you family and you feel like you don’t deserve it? Why do you feel that way? Would you say it’s because you cheated or because you just don’t deserve to be cared for. as a whole? I’d like you to answer those questions for me in an email because I’d like to delve into that further. Any who, You recognize you have a good thing, so, why cheat? I have been on both sides of this equation the difference is I cheated in response to being cheated on, just a bad combination but since I’m being honest I’ll be 100% honest.  I’m not saying my cheating was better or worse it just is what it is. Once I cheat I don’t respect you and this relationship probably won’t go anywhere long-term. Which is why no matter how bad it gets if I love you and see a potential future with you I will not sleep with anyone else while I am in that relationship no matter what. When I was younger I just dated to date now I think much more long-term. On the contrary, when I ws cheated on the guy just wasn’t ready to stop. It was a conscience choice. He continued to chose new and old vagina over our relationship. It stings to admit but that  is the reality. Growing up, saying no to other women and being content with one person was something he just chose not to do. Yes, chose. 

Cheating hurts, I don’t want to intentionally hurt someone I love.  If I really love you and I really care about you I won’t cheat. Now If my partner cheats on me and I still care about him and want to work it out there is a possibility that I may do something devious, text an ex, not answer my phone late at night when I’m out with the girls just little petty childish things to piss the guy off and get his attention. No it’s not right, its actually quite stupid, but I want to remind him that I’m desired, and if he messes up again there will be someone to fill his shoes. It seems like this may be the path your girlfriend took when she did similar things after finding out you had been unfaithful. We want to get back at you but we don’t want to end the relationship. Childish?? Yes. Of course the thing to do would be to talk it out and work through it, admit your faults and do whatever she needs you to do to regain her trust (this is if you still want to be together) if not…throw up the deuces and part ways. Understand picking up the pieces and going on to have a successful, loving and trusting relationship after cheating is hard very hard but it can be done. I’ve seen it be done, more than once. I have not successfully done it yet but if I had a partner who cheated and I still saw a future with them and he was willing to work through it I would do it, why because we all make mistakes and it takes a very big person to forgive. I’ve lived long enough to realize that. Now would he be willing to turn in his player card, retire from the game and realize I am enough, not be tempted by his single friends still playing the field, and turn down the allure of new vagina is the question. Most men truly aren’t ready to put an end to their extended adolescence. They are only forced to do so once either they get to old, someone close to them dies (which shows life doesn’t last forever and they simply get scared) or something jolts them to reality and forces them to grow up immediately.  Yes honey extended adolescence can extend to 30+ and sadly a lot of men are often sidetracked by the allure of other new and exciting women, but the reality is until God calls all of us home there will always be someone new, seemingly more exciting, bigger boobs, a bigger butt, and all that stuff that makes you think with your little head instead of your big one. You have to be man enough to GROW UP and say NO.  Trust me the more you say no the easier it becomes. Practice does make perfect. Take your butt home after the club. Dont respond to the late night text from your ex or previous bed buddy. Mr.Number is the best  smart phone application known to man. I have set all numbers (calls and texts) that can even be remotely tempting to be immediately declined and never to show up on my phone not even in my missed call log. Out of sight out of mind. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t. Nobody is holding you down and forcing your penis inside their vagina. Yes, it sounds a little vulgar but its the truth. Cheating ALWAYS takes two, don’t be the other person in that equation. JUST STOP!! <-Yes, I am yelling. You say she’s a good girl, you say you have fun with her and you love her so you have to ask yourself whats more important. New p*ssy or having a committed partner who is going to love you, support you and forgive you in spite of the fact that you cheated on her…TWICE!! It takes a real women to forgive a cheater and still want to be with them. You said in your second to last sentence “you don’t know if you can give her what she’s asking” What she’s asking seems pretty simple to me. She wants you to be honest going forward and don’t cheat, she’s not asking you for a ring and to buy her a house. Understand this request isn’t specific to your girlfriend. Any women worth her salt is going to request that you are honest with her and don’t cheat and if they accept you cheating and just turn a blind  she doesn’t value herself and do you really want to be with someone like that? I don’t think so. You’re 35 years old (that’s 5 years from 40 my love) its time to stop playing games, chasing tail WILL get old. You need to be the type of guy you want your.unborn daughter to be with. Either you decide to change so you can keep a good women or you don’t those are really your only options. Both of those are choices that only YOU can make. Time is fleeting and no women will wait forever.

“The stronger person always forgives first”

“Good relationships don’t just happen overnight. They take time, patience, forgiveness and two people who are willing to go through the fire to be together”

PS.I am not sure if you’re a Christian but I was accused of being a bit preachy and bible thumperish by a few readers SO If you would like an answer from a more biblical perspective don’t hesitate to let me know via email.

-Good Luck Darlin (Let me know how it goes)

Once a Cheater always a Cheater…true or false??

One of my best friends Imelda posted this blog title as her Facebook status today and I felt it deserved a blog post as I’ve argued this with numerous men and women in my life. Men I dated and those I didn’t as well. My thoughts are pretty plain and simple.

“Cheating is a choice. Men cheat and Women cheat but it is never ok!”

 I’ve been cheated on and although I wasn’t in the head of the cheater I can say most people who cheat have a million and one excuses as to why they did what they did. Usually they somehow find a way to shift that reasoning and make it your fault. Wither it was because they didn’t trust you, thought you were cheating, weren’t secure in themselves had some carnal hedonistic desire to ‘conquer’ as many women as they possibly could or just weren’t  all that attractive to the opposite sex when they were younger and now that they are they try to screw everything that crosses their path. Whatever the ‘reason’ its NEVER ok. Let’s also make it clear, cheating is not always physical its mental, spiritual and emotional. None is less of an offense then the other. From experience its easier for me to forgive a physical cheater but when you see countless emails, texts and conversations of someone confessing their affection for another that’s a little harder to shake. Whatever the reason or excuse  as stated before its NEVER ok. When you really love someone you don’t cheat on them, plain and simple because if the other person finds out it will hurt and I don’t know very many people who are in the business of deliberately hurting those they love.

It has to be an active daily pursuit to know longer want to be a cheater. Not cheating takes work just like quitting drugs. Its serious and can ruin your life and any chance of a healthy relationship if you don’t actively work on changing the behavior but the person has to WANT to change, not for someone else, not because it’s what society expects but because they see a problem, realize if they don’t change they’ll be alone forever and then they have to change. Removing people from their lives who cheat or condone cheating is very important too. Kinda like drug addiction…if you’re trying to quit all your friends can’t be drug addicts or you’re just gonna be a hamster in a wheel. Always running but getting nowhere. I’ve been told time and time again “just because my friends cheat doesn’t mean I will or can’t think for myself” this could be true but sadly we are more like the company that we keep then not. I knew a guy and the majority of his friends either cheated on there wives, girlfriends, women they dated etc. When these friends would come into town they would ask me to bring friends to ‘hangout’ and I’d know they were married, in some cases I even knew there girlfriends and LIKED them. Such an awkward situation to be in! Some would justify the behavior others would admit it was wrong rare. Regardless, when everyone around you is getting away with cheating I’d bet you’re more inclined to try…even if its just once.

Choice is one of the most important words in the human language. Do I speed or drive the speed limit? Should I tell my friend I’m sick or just that I’d rather not hang out today? Do I admit to my partner that although I initiated the relationship I realize now that I’m not ready and need some time to get ready? It’s always easier to take the path of least resistance but as an adult think long-term, what is more important in the long run? If you start cheating then you have to continue to live that lie forever, seems pretty stressful to me.

Once a Cheater always a cheater…true or false? I say false as I prefer to refrain from absolutes and believe that people can always change but you have to want to change, all the coaxing in the world can’t make someone abandon a learned behavior overnight. They must admit they have a problem and begin down the path to fixing it IF they ever want to have a sucessful relationship that is.

Is sexual addiction real or America’s new excuse??

It’s in the news, movies and constantly a headline on Sports Center…SEX ADDICTION. Actors, Athletes even a guy I used to date used it as his excuse for being a lying porn addicted cheater. So the question remains is Sex addiction real or just an acceptable excuse for men (and some women) to excuse their cheating ways. Wikipedia defines sex addiction as:

The phenomenon in which individuals report being unable to manage their sexual behavior. It has also been called “sexual dependency,” and “sexual compulsivity.” The existence of the condition is not universally accepted by sexologist and its etiology, nature, and validity have been debated.

Is it real or is it fake?? Here’s my take on it…Sexual Addiction to me is a huge bunch of BS. Not being one to disregard addiction or the fact that some people are dealing with real addictions that need rehab and therapy to conquer…I DO NOT believe sex is one of them! More often than not we don’t hear of men having this so-called “sexual addiction” until AFTER they cheat and their spouse, girlfriend or partner finds out. In the past men who slept with numerous women got a pat on the back and a high five in the locker room. Why? Because society says its more than acceptable for men to have multiple partners. Why? Because that’s just how there wired…men are designed to sow their oats. WOMP WOMP WOMP!! To me that is a huge crock of bulls**t! In no way is it acceptable for any person to cheat on their partner and then once caught they go running and screaming into SEXUAL REHAB at some posh wilderness retreat with 52 inch televisions, swimming pools and gourmet meals that costs upwards of  fifteen thousand dollars for 4 weeks of “treatment”. Treatment my ass. If you love and respect your partner you won’t cheat on them and then if you do MAN UP, take ownership for your actions and stop making excuses. A professor once said “Excuses are like assh**es, everyone has one but they all stink!” I have no respect for people who refuse to take ownership for their actions.

In the celebrity world these men have women on tap. You can order a girl up to your room like room service. Pick the hair color, eye color, cup size etc. When you have everything at your fingertips and nobody EVER tells you no, why would you commit to one women?  Nobody is forcing you to and the majority of the women out here would compromise there morals to be on the arm of a celebrity, athlete, musician etc. They accept infidelity,  loneliness and neglect just to name a few purely for the ‘privilege’ of being on the arm of that person and it usually takes years before someone leaves or they have to suffer a huge deal of public embarrassment and scandal to finally realize they are worth more than that.

So is sexual addiction real or just an excuse to be a bonified HOE?? I’m going to have to vote for the latter. Allow your ‘man’ to sleep with all the women he wants, slip up, get caught then attend sex rehab make a public apology shed a tear or two buy you something nice a sparkly and all is forgiven. Or go bat shit crazy on his ass, Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale style pack your things (and some of his) and bounce. Taking with you what is left of your dignity and self-respect. Once again, I’m voting for the latter. Why stay with a cheater, you can do bad by yourself. So for all the Sandra Bullocks, Shaunie O’Neals and Juanita Jordans who had the courage to tell their men to take his cheating ways and shove it I applaud you…for the rest of y’all “Honey it ain’t no addiction, ol’ boy is just a hoe, you deserve better and he is NOT going to change!!”

So, in the words of Beyonce…”to the left…to the left”

Elin...He has not changed!!

And to the one who said “I think I have a sex addiction” AFTER I found out you had a whole secret relationship in another state (as if that would’ve made your actions okay?)…I may have been born at night but I wasn’t born last night…How dumb do you REALLY think I am?? ….On to the next one!!