“GIRL!!! He was TOTALLY about to rub one out!!”

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” Lily Tomlin

This morning I wake up to a stream of text messages from one of my absolute favorite girlfriends who is also 9 months pregnant with her first child and is a hormonal bag of all types of crazy… much like me. Of course only the most recent message shows up when I unlock my phone but I know it’s about to get good, I scroll down to read the rest…the first frantic message I see says  “and girl…he was totally about to [masturbate] (<-I can’t use the phrase she used…I just can’t) I caught him red handed” so of course I start scrolling barely able to contain my laughter as I don’t want to wake my sleeping superman laying beside me, I slide out of bed and take my phone upstairs cause I know this can only get better. Since I don’t have a fancy iphone I can’t screen shot the conversation, Gawd I wish I could, so I’m gonna have to paraphrase so you can get the just of it. So, [Hillary] pretty much caught her man about to rub one out last night when he thought she was sound asleep in the other room. She woke up and realized he was no longer in the bed beside her as they’d both got in the bed together about 2 hours before, kissed goodnight you know the nightly ritual. She called for him, no answer, checked the bathroom, no [Tony] so she started to panic…lol (he couldn’t possibly be in the kitchen making a sandwich) She walked through the hall tip-toeing of course until she notices a blue light shining from underneath the office door, breathing a sigh of relief she gently pushes open the door ‘baby, is everything o…” she doesn’t even get the ‘k’ out before she realizes what he’s doing…watching porn (milfy porn to be exact) and totally about to get it crackin’…lotion on the desk and everything! She makes it a point to emphasize it was a bottle of lotion she’d never seen before and was equally as offended that he didn’t wake her up to join in as she was that he had a special bottle of ‘get it poppin’ lotion’…THE NERVE!

Now, I’ve finally regained my composure enough to type this AND called to get the 411 directly from her (text just wasn’t gonna do THIS story justice) Oh emm gee! I love how animated my friends can be. I DO understand her pain…she already feels like an alien because there is a hitchhiker attached to her belly but she also (mind you she is still gorgeous and glowing) feels huge and unattractive & all things of the like because her man who is probably just scared his man pole will hit the baby in the head won’t get down like they use too, so to find that he’s resorting to internet porn, the value size bottle of Jergens and PALMala probably did screw with her psyche a bit. Being that she’s just as dramatic as me I already know she probably read more into it then necessary. Anyway, I’ve been there. Not during my pregnancy (that I know of) but I’ve been there…you know…caught your boo thang having a little private time, immediately took it personal and were devastated. We as women read too much into it, we automatically think its our fault, we’re not doing a good job, he’s no longer turned on by us, he’s addicted to porn. Now yes, some of those thoughts may be true but 99.9% of the time it really has nothing to do with us. We’re sleep, busy, just gave him the side eye because he asked you to do what, now!? Doesn’t he see that you JUST got dressed and put your face on!!?? So they handle it themselves, No, I’m not saying it makes the situation any better but I’d much rather my man pay a little visit to PALMala than one of his exes…wouldn’t you??

Sidenote: When was the last time YOU had a little “me time” or paid a secret visit to good vibrations?? Ummm Hmmm…I rest my case.

“Mini cooper girl”

“I don’t know why they call it a Walk of Shame. You just had sex last night and now everyone knows it… Sounds like a Walk of Win to me.”

-Unknown (but probably written by a man)

So, I have these neighbors. I’d say there probably in there late twenties, early thirties. Pretty attractive guys (for what I can see behind there inappropriately dark shades), well-groomed, the “I totally tried but I want to look like I didn’t” type outfits and they drive the kind of cars that say “Look at me…I’m driving the cool car”  Now, I’m no rocket scientist but I’m quite the observationalist and after living next door to them for the last 6 months I’ve noticed a few things/ but one cause for concern. My first being that the number of women that enter and exit that premise on any given day can range from 2-6. No not 2 to 6 years old but 2-6 different women. Now this is no brothel or top-secret modeling agency just a few charismatic young gentleman who happen to have what I like to call “reckless penis syndrome” now, I will admit, I could be totally wrong, maybe it is a top-secret modeling agency or maybe, just maybe they all are meeting for prayer BUT go with me here; when I take the pup out for his morning walk and the lady of the evening is leaving in her sparkly after 10pm dress with bed head and smudged eyeliner I’m led to believe there might have been some getting on your knees but not the kind you do in church on Sunday. I digress..so here is my main cause for concern. There is one particular young lady who me and the honey call “mini cooper girl” she drives this teal mini and on more than one occasion she is or shall I say isn’t the chosen girl of the evening and we observe her sitting in her mini in front of the entrance to our communal garage just sitting…waiting…patiently. Feverishly texting guy #1 or guy #2  (I’m not sure which one is her chosen one) and consistently being ignored. Sadly, I know the reason she’s being ignored is because there is another girl up there, I’ve met my share of them in the elevator. I mean she will sit out there for hours and hours buzzing the intercom to there apartment and they just will not buzz her up. Now, I think what is so puzzling to me is that you can clearly see if their cars are inside the garage or not and if both cars are there, there is a 99% chance both guys are there too and they just ignore her. They could give her the access code if they wanted too and then she wouldn’t even have to buzz she could just let herself in but apparently they just don’t want her to have that level of access to the hoegarden. So, here’s where she gets the side eye… this chick has even asked me to buzz up or even on the most recent occasion let her in the garage to park because “there expecting her” of course I never do, I mean she could be a serial killer 😉 but really where does one’s dignity step in? Honey, you are not the lady of the evening… tonight. Yes, they are up there and yes, they are ignoring your calls, texts, smoke signals and carrier pigeons so have some dignity and take your butt home! Do you know how desperate you look?? I mean we make a game of it now…we take bets on if/when you’ll get let in and then go peek over the balcony and see…so far you’ve waited for 1 hour and 19 minutes **shakes head**  Sweet pea, you only get invited over during booty call hours to be swiftly ushered out the door the following day before noon, and you ALWAYS leave in the same clothes. I know it may be hard to accept but you are indeed a jump off, bootycall…late night rendezvous may be your title of choice…not sure what you like to call yourself, but here is what I am sure of **drumroll please** You will NEVER get invited home to meet the parentals SO if you want to be that girl then just keep doing what you’re doing however if you’d like to not be that girl then grow some balls and put Mr. Hotty in 502 on your ‘dont answer’ list and go home.  You can always reinvent your desperate ways for the next one and just be the cool, calm and collected girl who calls the shots. He never has to know you’d sit in front of his house for hours to see if he’ll pick you that evening. Desperate Denise can become Desirable Diane in a heartbeat. Men will always treat you the way you allow them too and of course this goes without saying but if you are always “available” where’s the fun in that?? As my Mama always said “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free??” Or maybe just maybe ‘He’s just not that into you’…

Facebook I LOVE YOU…but I kinda hate you too!

Facebook and I have been in love since sometime around early 2003. You know when you had to be a college student and have a college email address to join?? *le sigh* THOSE were the GOOD ol’ days. Before Farmville and Mafia wars and hoochie shoe ad’s selling high-heeled Jordans!? You know the days before my Grandma could have a Facebook or my old Sunday School teacher and that whole crazy big brother facial recognition effect wtheezy!!? I know all things have to evolve and obviously Mr.Zuckerberg knew a thing or two about what he was doing since he’s like a Gazillionaire now so who am I to talk but today I am lifting my code of silence. Facebook, I LOVE YOU but I secretly hate you too! Okay, maybe it’s not you I hate. It’s the way you get abused…yes, I said abused.  Let me tell you how your users abuse you and why it drives me frickin’ crazy!

I know its tempting to share every single aspect of your day with your 783 ‘friends’ . Its like computer crack you can’t log in without updating your status and smart phones make it even more tempting. I’ve been a victim of it too. I think the world wants to know I had french toast for breakfast and washed it down with a nice bubbly mimosa. But here’s the sitch, I’m willing to make a deal with all the 24/7 updaters. As long as you’re posting warm fuzzies you get a pass, but if you’re reminding us every 20 minutes how much you hate your job, your life, your house how much you hate working out etc.  Mr. or Ms. Negative Nelson then keep it too yourself. That stuff is depressing and downright sad, plus it makes us wonder is there anything you’re thankful for. I mean hate your job if you must but you’re updating that Debbie Downer status from somewhere which means you either have a computer or cellphone and that alone is something to be thankful for.

Babies! Cute cuddly little munchkins they are. I get  butterflies in my stomach every time one of my friends tells me there expecting (Ok, maybe I’m lying a little) but seriously some things should be left a secret like the positive pregnancy test. If I see one more pee stick as a profile picture I’m gonna scream. Some moments are better left unshared. We’re more than happy to see your baby bumps but the pee stick!!? That is a NEG-A-TIVE!

If I wasn’t your friend in highschool better yet you were my arch-enemy don’t try to friend me now. That’s what we call the nosey “friend” request. I know you’re just trying to see if I’m married, fat or have 5 kids. I mean that’s why I friend request people 30% of the time. I know this trick. So, let me make it easy for you since this blog is public and my fb is very private if you’re not my real friend (Oh how I love privacy settings). I’m not married, I don’t have any children, I’m the exact same size as I was in highschool and no, I do NOT want to be your “friend”. I’ve been holding that grudge for 10 years and I plan to keep it up for 10 more. Yes, I’m talking to YOU!

Lets move to the topic of relationship status if you’re not married just don’t put it up there. Inevitably something is going to go wrong…life will happen. You’ll see a shady text or get mad when your man or lady looks at the barista at Starbucks just 10 seconds too long and then instantly “it’s complicated” then 20 minutes into the car ride home they say something to set you off then Pow! Now you’re  “single” the next morning after some very passionate sexy time you decide to be in a ‘realtionship’ again. What you don’t realize is everyone is talking about you and saying your crazy and bipolar so until they like it so much they put a ring on it. Just refrain. Trust me…it’ll help you save face in the long run.

On to messages… If you send a mass email to 57 people when responding to the original sender just click their name so the message only goes to them. I have no interest in back and forth all day responses between two people on the message especially if it has nothing to do with me. Plus my fb notification and my text message notification are the same sound so when I run across the kitchen because I’m waiting for Will Smiths text message (a girl can dream) and that oh so familiar alert goes off, when I almost slip and kill myself only to find out it’s a fb msg that isn’t even for me I secretly hate you.

Last but certainly not the least. If I meet you at lets say the club or a friends party of some sort and you ask me my name and then you instantly send me a friend request (while we’re still at the party) I think you’re scary and weird and possibly a stalker and I WILL NOT friend you. This goes for men and women alike. I mean are we REALLY friends. Can you at least meet me at a few parties before you go slinging friend request all willy nilly. Also, for the guys who pillage their friends pages and start trying to ‘friend’ all the cute girls…you’re so weird! We know what you’re doing, you are not slick… once again you are getting labeled a stalker…and probably BLOCKED!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Keep breaking these rules on Facebook

And I’ll be blocking you too!

61 people currently on my blocked list and counting…

What drives YOU crazy about facebook?? Please share. I know I’m not the only one…inquiring minds want to know.

I got my Charlotte Moment!!

Ladies, have you ever had a guy you really liked just drop off the face of the earth?? I mean disappear into a far off galaxy, no return address or smoke signal. Fella’s have you ever been really diggin’ a girl and she just stops returning your calls or texts. Or better yet cancels every date you try to set up and then one day just fades off into the sunset?? Well I imagine we’ve all been there a time or two many and let’s be real its cool if you’re really not feeling him or her…so when the calls stop it’s more a sigh of relief but what if you really do like them? Then what?? Well in my case you try to contact them a few times and eventually give up. Nobody wants to be labeled obsessed or better yet a stalker. But much like the speech that Charlotte had prepared for Mr.Big  shall she ever lay eyes on him again after he stood Carrie up at the altar, I always told myself if ever given the chance I would tell Mr.Disappearing Act how he made me feel. Not because I still wanted to be with him or anything (That was damn near 7 years ago) But, because I think people should know it’s not okay to just disappear, especially with me. I’m a nice girl 😉  most of the time. Well guess what??  I got that chance yesterday, Mr.Disappearing Act texted me out of nowhere…after 7 years people..SEVEN!! So after a little small chat texting I laid it on him. The conversation went just like this…verbatim:

Me: I thought I was just a good time to you.

Him:You were more than a good time.

Him:I just dropped the ball huh

Me:Yes, indeed you did. I’ll admit I hated you for a while but I’m good now.

Him: Oh, you’re making me feel like shit now.

Me:You should! Most women never get the chance to tell guys how they made them feel so you should know. You were a douche who made me feel like a hore. We never went on dates it was all physical to you and I really LIKED you. I thought you were smart and a lot of fun. But hey…life goes on.

Him: Ouch ouch and more ouch.

Me:Any who I’m not mad anymore. It’s been over seven years but don’t play with girls hearts in the future. If you don’t like them don’t lead them on. If you do like them tell them. It really screws with us in the future. We will get over it but it makes us jaded and messes things up for the next guy.

Him:Thx for the info. Sorry again 😦

Me: I accept your apology. I forgave you long ago.

VENGEANCE IS MINE!! YES!! (Fist pump Tiger Woods style…and a little jimminey cricket kick)

So Ladies and Gents if ever given the chance…let em’ have it. Even though you’ve moved on it feels real good to get it off your chest. Even after 7 long years!!

PS.He has a few kids and is in a miserable relationship…I don’t wish evil on anyone but in this case…I WIN!!

PPS.I really should change my phone number.