“Mini cooper girl”

“I don’t know why they call it a Walk of Shame. You just had sex last night and now everyone knows it… Sounds like a Walk of Win to me.”

-Unknown (but probably written by a man)

So, I have these neighbors. I’d say there probably in there late twenties, early thirties. Pretty attractive guys (for what I can see behind there inappropriately dark shades), well-groomed, the “I totally tried but I want to look like I didn’t” type outfits and they drive the kind of cars that say “Look at me…I’m driving the cool car”  Now, I’m no rocket scientist but I’m quite the observationalist and after living next door to them for the last 6 months I’ve noticed a few things/ but one cause for concern. My first being that the number of women that enter and exit that premise on any given day can range from 2-6. No not 2 to 6 years old but 2-6 different women. Now this is no brothel or top-secret modeling agency just a few charismatic young gentleman who happen to have what I like to call “reckless penis syndrome” now, I will admit, I could be totally wrong, maybe it is a top-secret modeling agency or maybe, just maybe they all are meeting for prayer BUT go with me here; when I take the pup out for his morning walk and the lady of the evening is leaving in her sparkly after 10pm dress with bed head and smudged eyeliner I’m led to believe there might have been some getting on your knees but not the kind you do in church on Sunday. I digress..so here is my main cause for concern. There is one particular young lady who me and the honey call “mini cooper girl” she drives this teal mini and on more than one occasion she is or shall I say isn’t the chosen girl of the evening and we observe her sitting in her mini in front of the entrance to our communal garage just sitting…waiting…patiently. Feverishly texting guy #1 or guy #2  (I’m not sure which one is her chosen one) and consistently being ignored. Sadly, I know the reason she’s being ignored is because there is another girl up there, I’ve met my share of them in the elevator. I mean she will sit out there for hours and hours buzzing the intercom to there apartment and they just will not buzz her up. Now, I think what is so puzzling to me is that you can clearly see if their cars are inside the garage or not and if both cars are there, there is a 99% chance both guys are there too and they just ignore her. They could give her the access code if they wanted too and then she wouldn’t even have to buzz she could just let herself in but apparently they just don’t want her to have that level of access to the hoegarden. So, here’s where she gets the side eye… this chick has even asked me to buzz up or even on the most recent occasion let her in the garage to park because “there expecting her” of course I never do, I mean she could be a serial killer 😉 but really where does one’s dignity step in? Honey, you are not the lady of the evening… tonight. Yes, they are up there and yes, they are ignoring your calls, texts, smoke signals and carrier pigeons so have some dignity and take your butt home! Do you know how desperate you look?? I mean we make a game of it now…we take bets on if/when you’ll get let in and then go peek over the balcony and see…so far you’ve waited for 1 hour and 19 minutes **shakes head**  Sweet pea, you only get invited over during booty call hours to be swiftly ushered out the door the following day before noon, and you ALWAYS leave in the same clothes. I know it may be hard to accept but you are indeed a jump off, bootycall…late night rendezvous may be your title of choice…not sure what you like to call yourself, but here is what I am sure of **drumroll please** You will NEVER get invited home to meet the parentals SO if you want to be that girl then just keep doing what you’re doing however if you’d like to not be that girl then grow some balls and put Mr. Hotty in 502 on your ‘dont answer’ list and go home.  You can always reinvent your desperate ways for the next one and just be the cool, calm and collected girl who calls the shots. He never has to know you’d sit in front of his house for hours to see if he’ll pick you that evening. Desperate Denise can become Desirable Diane in a heartbeat. Men will always treat you the way you allow them too and of course this goes without saying but if you are always “available” where’s the fun in that?? As my Mama always said “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free??” Or maybe just maybe ‘He’s just not that into you’…

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I got my Charlotte Moment!!

Ladies, have you ever had a guy you really liked just drop off the face of the earth?? I mean disappear into a far off galaxy, no return address or smoke signal. Fella’s have you ever been really diggin’ a girl and she just stops returning your calls or texts. Or better yet cancels every date you try to set up and then one day just fades off into the sunset?? Well I imagine we’ve all been there a time or two many and let’s be real its cool if you’re really not feeling him or her…so when the calls stop it’s more a sigh of relief but what if you really do like them? Then what?? Well in my case you try to contact them a few times and eventually give up. Nobody wants to be labeled obsessed or better yet a stalker. But much like the speech that Charlotte had prepared for Mr.Big  shall she ever lay eyes on him again after he stood Carrie up at the altar, I always told myself if ever given the chance I would tell Mr.Disappearing Act how he made me feel. Not because I still wanted to be with him or anything (That was damn near 7 years ago) But, because I think people should know it’s not okay to just disappear, especially with me. I’m a nice girl 😉  most of the time. Well guess what??  I got that chance yesterday, Mr.Disappearing Act texted me out of nowhere…after 7 years people..SEVEN!! So after a little small chat texting I laid it on him. The conversation went just like this…verbatim:

Me: I thought I was just a good time to you.

Him:You were more than a good time.

Him:I just dropped the ball huh

Me:Yes, indeed you did. I’ll admit I hated you for a while but I’m good now.

Him: Oh, you’re making me feel like shit now.

Me:You should! Most women never get the chance to tell guys how they made them feel so you should know. You were a douche who made me feel like a hore. We never went on dates it was all physical to you and I really LIKED you. I thought you were smart and a lot of fun. But hey…life goes on.

Him: Ouch ouch and more ouch.

Me:Any who I’m not mad anymore. It’s been over seven years but don’t play with girls hearts in the future. If you don’t like them don’t lead them on. If you do like them tell them. It really screws with us in the future. We will get over it but it makes us jaded and messes things up for the next guy.

Him:Thx for the info. Sorry again 😦

Me: I accept your apology. I forgave you long ago.

VENGEANCE IS MINE!! YES!! (Fist pump Tiger Woods style…and a little jimminey cricket kick)

So Ladies and Gents if ever given the chance…let em’ have it. Even though you’ve moved on it feels real good to get it off your chest. Even after 7 long years!!

PS.He has a few kids and is in a miserable relationship…I don’t wish evil on anyone but in this case…I WIN!!

PPS.I really should change my phone number.

A Joe Jackson fragrance…REALLY??

Pure Phuckery at its best!! Joe Jackson has created a fragrance…drumroll please…’Tribute’ for men and ‘Legend’ for Women. I hear the male fragrance is musty…I mean MUSKy and the female fragance is more of a refreshing floral scent **blank stare** who the hell wants to smell like Joe Jackson let alone a scent inspired by him. This man is still trying to make any money he can off of his deceased son. Let the boy REST IN PEACE Joe. I mean if anything this will be one of those limited release fragrances, limited to release ONLY at ROSS and to the perfume man…you know the one who comes in the hairshop with the ‘duffle bag’ or better yet sold at Perfumia that classy kiosk in your local mall. I can’t imagine anything this man creating making me want to frolic in flower fields or stop and smell the roses all I can think it would do is make me wanna ‘slap my mama’ or kick the dog! There are some things people shouldn’t try and Joe Jackson in the fragrance business is a DOUBLE NEGATIVE!

 In the words of The great MJ… “Leave me alone”Please Joe, leave HIM alone!!

Weekly fashion tip -SPANX & Yummy Tummies-

Nobody wants a muffin...unless its with coffee

Cottage cheese,wobbly bits,muffin top etc. Whatever you call it I don’t know anyone women over the age of 18 that has not been plagued with one or more of these nasty little monsters (Yes, even supermodels have cellulite ladies they just get it airbrushed before they hit the runway)I’ve tried every cream, gel, procedure(Not lypo…I hear it just makes everything lumpy and from the look of  Tera Reeds stomach…) Even those silly massages…Nothing makes it disappear. A diet rich in fiber, dark leafy green vegetables and lots and lots of water do help to break up and metabolize fat and of course working out and doing lots and lots of cardio <-MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!! and light weight-training definitely help too but sometimes no matter how much you work out when its time to go out on that date and you slip into that pencil skirt or you put on your skinny jeans and well there not looking so skinny…or my favorite…when your low rise jeans with your tucked in tank top and camel colored belt with the huge turquoise buckle looked super hot when you left the house and now you look like a muffin in an overfilled  muffin tin…How in the hell did this happen!?? In times like these sexy little secrets are your friend. Yummy Tummy and SPANX to the rescue. There is no reason whatsoever to ever have VPL’s, muffin top or wobbly bits showing threw your skin tight Herve Leger dress. Nobody has to know that my perfectly sculpted body has a little help. Especially not my boyfriend. No ladies…this isn’t cheating it’s just flaunting your best assets, and putting your best foot forward because once your clothes are off all he’s focused on is your pot of gold and he could careless about your jiggle puff…Hell…my man likes a lot little bounce to the ounce (naughty laugh)
 

Don't YOU want a yummy tummy??

 

Yummy tummies are amazing!! They hold in everything and keep the girls tame as well. You can wear them under a sleek blouse or tank or by themself. The tummy sculpting is sexy and invisible and nobody will ever be the wiser and even though I don’t have any children I imagine these work wonders after that nine month hitchhiker has wreaked havoc on your tummy and you just want everything to be tight and taut, you wanna feel sexy… throw on your yummy tummy and WORK IT GIRL!!

 

Lil' gifts of spandex from God

 

SPANX SPANX SPANX!! There is nothing bad I can say about these amazing lil’ spandex creatures that fell down into my lap from the heavens above. Wither you just want to keep the booty from jiggling or the thighs from wobbling when you put on that skin tight dress or those pumps in a bump jeans or you want your tights to have extra support from the tips of your toes to your belly button then the tights version is for you. Don’t fall for the cheap imitations ladies…SPANX by, Sara Blakley are the only way to go. Definitely go for the smaller size but not so small they bulge and no matter who you are the outfit on top of the Spanx should never be so tight I can see your SPANX lines shining through. Hello… that would tell everyone your secret!!

So when in doubt throw on that Yummy Tummy or a pair of SPANX. The world will thank you, your man will thank you and you won’t end up on my hot mess page.

PS.If you’re worried about your man wondering why you have on a shield of spandex armour under your clothes when it’s rapidly approaching sexy time slip into the bathroom..peel those puppies off, slip them under his bathroom sink (d0n’t forget to pick them up before you leave in the morning) or in your purse if you didn’t forget it in the livingroom and he will never be the wiser. Trust me..I’ve done it numerous times!!

-Happy Conturing (or at least faking it)