I’m currently sitting in my ex-boyfriend, prospective husband (I thought, I think…who really knows anymore **le sigh**), best-friend, confidants, brand new three bedroom absolutely gorgeous loft that he well, just moved out of. Did I mention its empty **pause for effect** Yes, I did say he was my ex-boyfriend and a host of other things in the last sentence **pause** (process that…yes, feel free to process one more time) the only reason I’m here is because he is in LA currently moving into yet another new loft…work transfer. And well someone had to be here to let the house cleaners in to do the final clean and well of course…”I’ll do it, I’ll be there…anything else you need feel free to count on me!” (Kokoa raises hand!!) I’ll admit it I like helping him, I like being the one he calls when he needs something but I still must ask myself, why do we as women put ourselves through this type of torture?? I’m sitting here recounting the countless mornings and nights we spent here together…movies in the big bed followed by late night conversations, Adele as the soundtrack and huge glasses of red wine to wash it all down. The BREAK which turned into his Break through which ultimately turned into our Break-up which then led to my Break Down and currently my BROKEN HEART all happened in this DAMN loft! You’d think I’d be happy to say goodbye to it…but sadly change is never easy. So as Lupe <-Yes, that really IS her name, I’m not some insensitive racist, washes the last shelf in the refrigerator and her sister wipes down the last mirror in the bathroom (ok, that was kind of racist, I’m not really sure there sisters) I am faced with the question. If you’re not worthy of his heart then why in the hell did you drive across the bridge to let in the house cleaners!!? **pause for thought** Oh, I know…because you’re the crazy girl who is still in love with a man who may not be in love with you anymore. Am I really THAT pathetic or am I just in Love…or as one of my best friends always says…oh honey “You’re just ‘in DUMB’, Let us not mistake that with Love.” Which is it?? I need an answer…like ummmm yesterday perhaps.
I still love him! (there, I admitted it) I’m still madly in love with Superman.
Lupe just asked me to come and do the final walk through…hold please.
Ughhh!! Is she psychic?? Or does the universe just like screwing with me sometimes?? Lupe says “Oh why are you guys moving” as she gathers her things to head back to her car. “Oh my boyfriend (phuckin Freudian slip) got transferred to LA for work” Of course her reply…classic and sweet (which also drove a blunt, rusty pitchfork into my heart is…) with her thick Spanish accent…(go ahead…think Penelope Cruz) “Ohhh Hollywood!! Nice weather, have fun, beautiful place to make baby! Your boyfriend is very lucky you are beautiful!” she then bid me good luck, grabbed the last of her things and walked back to her car. With a lump in my throat I respond “Thank you Lupe”…walked back in the garage and pushed the button for it to close one last time.
I make one final walk around the condo. Tears in my eyes and an extremely heavy heart once again closing another chapter in my life with Superman. It seems like over the last year we’ve written a Trilogy. I realize I’m tired of goodbyes. I’m tired of see you laters…I’m officially 100% sick and tired of breakups followed by “if it’s meant to be time will reveal.” I’m ready for consistency, I’m ready to be wanted and loved unconditionally, for someone to want to fight for me because DAMN IT…I am sick and tired of always being the only one fighting in the relationship. I don’t know what the future holds but I know one things for sure…In my 10 years of being in this beautiful city I’ve learned, lived and learned to LOVE and the next time anyone say’s goodbye it will be me.
San Francisco, I’ve officially given you an expiration date!