Once a Cheater always a Cheater…true or false??

One of my best friends Imelda posted this blog title as her Facebook status today and I felt it deserved a blog post as I’ve argued this with numerous men and women in my life. Men I dated and those I didn’t as well. My thoughts are pretty plain and simple.

“Cheating is a choice. Men cheat and Women cheat but it is never ok!”

 I’ve been cheated on and although I wasn’t in the head of the cheater I can say most people who cheat have a million and one excuses as to why they did what they did. Usually they somehow find a way to shift that reasoning and make it your fault. Wither it was because they didn’t trust you, thought you were cheating, weren’t secure in themselves had some carnal hedonistic desire to ‘conquer’ as many women as they possibly could or just weren’t  all that attractive to the opposite sex when they were younger and now that they are they try to screw everything that crosses their path. Whatever the ‘reason’ its NEVER ok. Let’s also make it clear, cheating is not always physical its mental, spiritual and emotional. None is less of an offense then the other. From experience its easier for me to forgive a physical cheater but when you see countless emails, texts and conversations of someone confessing their affection for another that’s a little harder to shake. Whatever the reason or excuse  as stated before its NEVER ok. When you really love someone you don’t cheat on them, plain and simple because if the other person finds out it will hurt and I don’t know very many people who are in the business of deliberately hurting those they love.

It has to be an active daily pursuit to know longer want to be a cheater. Not cheating takes work just like quitting drugs. Its serious and can ruin your life and any chance of a healthy relationship if you don’t actively work on changing the behavior but the person has to WANT to change, not for someone else, not because it’s what society expects but because they see a problem, realize if they don’t change they’ll be alone forever and then they have to change. Removing people from their lives who cheat or condone cheating is very important too. Kinda like drug addiction…if you’re trying to quit all your friends can’t be drug addicts or you’re just gonna be a hamster in a wheel. Always running but getting nowhere. I’ve been told time and time again “just because my friends cheat doesn’t mean I will or can’t think for myself” this could be true but sadly we are more like the company that we keep then not. I knew a guy and the majority of his friends either cheated on there wives, girlfriends, women they dated etc. When these friends would come into town they would ask me to bring friends to ‘hangout’ and I’d know they were married, in some cases I even knew there girlfriends and LIKED them. Such an awkward situation to be in! Some would justify the behavior others would admit it was wrong rare. Regardless, when everyone around you is getting away with cheating I’d bet you’re more inclined to try…even if its just once.

Choice is one of the most important words in the human language. Do I speed or drive the speed limit? Should I tell my friend I’m sick or just that I’d rather not hang out today? Do I admit to my partner that although I initiated the relationship I realize now that I’m not ready and need some time to get ready? It’s always easier to take the path of least resistance but as an adult think long-term, what is more important in the long run? If you start cheating then you have to continue to live that lie forever, seems pretty stressful to me.

Once a Cheater always a cheater…true or false? I say false as I prefer to refrain from absolutes and believe that people can always change but you have to want to change, all the coaxing in the world can’t make someone abandon a learned behavior overnight. They must admit they have a problem and begin down the path to fixing it IF they ever want to have a sucessful relationship that is.

Advertisements

He Loves me!! He Loves me not??

Not a week goes by where one of my girlfriends or one of my readers doesn’t ask me what they should do about a specific situation in their relationship. They want MY advice, like I’m an expert or something. I’m quite flattered but at the end of the day I don’t know everything (Don’t tell Superman that)  Any who, after typing countless emails, answering late night texts and tearful phone calls or sipping numerous martinis and huge glasses of red wine “discussing” dating, love, relationships and sex my advice is **drumroll please** ITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP, MAKE YOUR OWN RULES!!  The girls on Sex & The city will tell you to leave him, Cosmo will tell you to try one of the 173 ‘steamy bedroom tricks’ to wow him and add spice to your relationship, then he’ll stay, Your girl “friends” (totally in quotes because I think a lot of girls only want to be your friend when you’re single and miserable… like them. The minute you’re happy & in love all they wanna do is dog your Mr.Wonderful.) so their advice will be to leave him. “Girl, he’ll never change, All MEN are dogs!” But the truth is YOU are the one in the relationship and YOU need to make YOUR rules. If he cheats and you want to stay and work on your relationship that is your choice and your choice alone. If he or she told a few little fibs but you feel like you know the core of that person’s being and you love them and truly feel like you know them, then go to counseling, work on your relationship. Nobody is perfect. The majority of people do things in the beginning of their relationship because they are still feeling the person out, you both are taking chances, living, learning and trying to only show that person your best. Sometimes this results in the absence of information. Maybe you didn’t cut off an ex when you should have, maybe you answered the call from ‘trouble’ it doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. The reality is you don’t know what the future holds and we all; men and women want to do everything in our power to guard our hearts and not get hurt or intentionally hurt the person we’re dating. You will never be perfect in a relationship or alone so you have to give your partner the freedom to make mistakes because trust me they will happen. I’m not saying be a doormat or turn a blind eye when things just don’t line up but be realistic and don’t bail at the first sign of trouble or when something doesn’t go your way. Real love takes work!! Successful relationships take work!! Make mistakes together, get to truly know one another the good and the bad become BEST FRIENDS!

So, I say this loud and proud with all the conviction in the world…MAKE YOUR OWN RULES, ITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP and you don’t owe anyone and explanation but yourself. Maybe you’re okay with having a life partner and never want to get married or decide that moving to India and joining the peace core is how you and your partner want to spend your life…yes, giving up the posh loft and luxury car in the city. GO FOR IT! It only has to make sense to you and Mr or Miss right.  Write your own rules because at the end of the day YOU get to tell your story and you want it to be a story you’re proud of.

PS.”Friends” or not, everybody does not need to know all your business. Some things are better kept between just the two of you and definitly off facebook. Who better than to discuss the trials and tribulations of your relationship with then the person you’re IN the relationship with. When you talk to much people feel they are at liberty to add their two cents or “advice”  and unfortunately that’s the last thing you need when you’re trying to figure it all out, so journal or talk to Jesus but don’t go telling your “friends” all your business. Trust me…you’ll thank me later.

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”

Facebook I LOVE YOU…but I kinda hate you too!

Facebook and I have been in love since sometime around early 2003. You know when you had to be a college student and have a college email address to join?? *le sigh* THOSE were the GOOD ol’ days. Before Farmville and Mafia wars and hoochie shoe ad’s selling high-heeled Jordans!? You know the days before my Grandma could have a Facebook or my old Sunday School teacher and that whole crazy big brother facial recognition effect wtheezy!!? I know all things have to evolve and obviously Mr.Zuckerberg knew a thing or two about what he was doing since he’s like a Gazillionaire now so who am I to talk but today I am lifting my code of silence. Facebook, I LOVE YOU but I secretly hate you too! Okay, maybe it’s not you I hate. It’s the way you get abused…yes, I said abused.  Let me tell you how your users abuse you and why it drives me frickin’ crazy!

I know its tempting to share every single aspect of your day with your 783 ‘friends’ . Its like computer crack you can’t log in without updating your status and smart phones make it even more tempting. I’ve been a victim of it too. I think the world wants to know I had french toast for breakfast and washed it down with a nice bubbly mimosa. But here’s the sitch, I’m willing to make a deal with all the 24/7 updaters. As long as you’re posting warm fuzzies you get a pass, but if you’re reminding us every 20 minutes how much you hate your job, your life, your house how much you hate working out etc.  Mr. or Ms. Negative Nelson then keep it too yourself. That stuff is depressing and downright sad, plus it makes us wonder is there anything you’re thankful for. I mean hate your job if you must but you’re updating that Debbie Downer status from somewhere which means you either have a computer or cellphone and that alone is something to be thankful for.

Babies! Cute cuddly little munchkins they are. I get  butterflies in my stomach every time one of my friends tells me there expecting (Ok, maybe I’m lying a little) but seriously some things should be left a secret like the positive pregnancy test. If I see one more pee stick as a profile picture I’m gonna scream. Some moments are better left unshared. We’re more than happy to see your baby bumps but the pee stick!!? That is a NEG-A-TIVE!

If I wasn’t your friend in highschool better yet you were my arch-enemy don’t try to friend me now. That’s what we call the nosey “friend” request. I know you’re just trying to see if I’m married, fat or have 5 kids. I mean that’s why I friend request people 30% of the time. I know this trick. So, let me make it easy for you since this blog is public and my fb is very private if you’re not my real friend (Oh how I love privacy settings). I’m not married, I don’t have any children, I’m the exact same size as I was in highschool and no, I do NOT want to be your “friend”. I’ve been holding that grudge for 10 years and I plan to keep it up for 10 more. Yes, I’m talking to YOU!

Lets move to the topic of relationship status if you’re not married just don’t put it up there. Inevitably something is going to go wrong…life will happen. You’ll see a shady text or get mad when your man or lady looks at the barista at Starbucks just 10 seconds too long and then instantly “it’s complicated” then 20 minutes into the car ride home they say something to set you off then Pow! Now you’re  “single” the next morning after some very passionate sexy time you decide to be in a ‘realtionship’ again. What you don’t realize is everyone is talking about you and saying your crazy and bipolar so until they like it so much they put a ring on it. Just refrain. Trust me…it’ll help you save face in the long run.

On to messages… If you send a mass email to 57 people when responding to the original sender just click their name so the message only goes to them. I have no interest in back and forth all day responses between two people on the message especially if it has nothing to do with me. Plus my fb notification and my text message notification are the same sound so when I run across the kitchen because I’m waiting for Will Smiths text message (a girl can dream) and that oh so familiar alert goes off, when I almost slip and kill myself only to find out it’s a fb msg that isn’t even for me I secretly hate you.

Last but certainly not the least. If I meet you at lets say the club or a friends party of some sort and you ask me my name and then you instantly send me a friend request (while we’re still at the party) I think you’re scary and weird and possibly a stalker and I WILL NOT friend you. This goes for men and women alike. I mean are we REALLY friends. Can you at least meet me at a few parties before you go slinging friend request all willy nilly. Also, for the guys who pillage their friends pages and start trying to ‘friend’ all the cute girls…you’re so weird! We know what you’re doing, you are not slick… once again you are getting labeled a stalker…and probably BLOCKED!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Keep breaking these rules on Facebook

And I’ll be blocking you too!

61 people currently on my blocked list and counting…

What drives YOU crazy about facebook?? Please share. I know I’m not the only one…inquiring minds want to know.