Once a Cheater always a Cheater…true or false??

One of my best friends Imelda posted this blog title as her Facebook status today and I felt it deserved a blog post as I’ve argued this with numerous men and women in my life. Men I dated and those I didn’t as well. My thoughts are pretty plain and simple.

“Cheating is a choice. Men cheat and Women cheat but it is never ok!”

 I’ve been cheated on and although I wasn’t in the head of the cheater I can say most people who cheat have a million and one excuses as to why they did what they did. Usually they somehow find a way to shift that reasoning and make it your fault. Wither it was because they didn’t trust you, thought you were cheating, weren’t secure in themselves had some carnal hedonistic desire to ‘conquer’ as many women as they possibly could or just weren’t  all that attractive to the opposite sex when they were younger and now that they are they try to screw everything that crosses their path. Whatever the ‘reason’ its NEVER ok. Let’s also make it clear, cheating is not always physical its mental, spiritual and emotional. None is less of an offense then the other. From experience its easier for me to forgive a physical cheater but when you see countless emails, texts and conversations of someone confessing their affection for another that’s a little harder to shake. Whatever the reason or excuse  as stated before its NEVER ok. When you really love someone you don’t cheat on them, plain and simple because if the other person finds out it will hurt and I don’t know very many people who are in the business of deliberately hurting those they love.

It has to be an active daily pursuit to know longer want to be a cheater. Not cheating takes work just like quitting drugs. Its serious and can ruin your life and any chance of a healthy relationship if you don’t actively work on changing the behavior but the person has to WANT to change, not for someone else, not because it’s what society expects but because they see a problem, realize if they don’t change they’ll be alone forever and then they have to change. Removing people from their lives who cheat or condone cheating is very important too. Kinda like drug addiction…if you’re trying to quit all your friends can’t be drug addicts or you’re just gonna be a hamster in a wheel. Always running but getting nowhere. I’ve been told time and time again “just because my friends cheat doesn’t mean I will or can’t think for myself” this could be true but sadly we are more like the company that we keep then not. I knew a guy and the majority of his friends either cheated on there wives, girlfriends, women they dated etc. When these friends would come into town they would ask me to bring friends to ‘hangout’ and I’d know they were married, in some cases I even knew there girlfriends and LIKED them. Such an awkward situation to be in! Some would justify the behavior others would admit it was wrong rare. Regardless, when everyone around you is getting away with cheating I’d bet you’re more inclined to try…even if its just once.

Choice is one of the most important words in the human language. Do I speed or drive the speed limit? Should I tell my friend I’m sick or just that I’d rather not hang out today? Do I admit to my partner that although I initiated the relationship I realize now that I’m not ready and need some time to get ready? It’s always easier to take the path of least resistance but as an adult think long-term, what is more important in the long run? If you start cheating then you have to continue to live that lie forever, seems pretty stressful to me.

Once a Cheater always a cheater…true or false? I say false as I prefer to refrain from absolutes and believe that people can always change but you have to want to change, all the coaxing in the world can’t make someone abandon a learned behavior overnight. They must admit they have a problem and begin down the path to fixing it IF they ever want to have a sucessful relationship that is.

He Loves me!! He Loves me not??

Not a week goes by where one of my girlfriends or one of my readers doesn’t ask me what they should do about a specific situation in their relationship. They want MY advice, like I’m an expert or something. I’m quite flattered but at the end of the day I don’t know everything (Don’t tell Superman that)  Any who, after typing countless emails, answering late night texts and tearful phone calls or sipping numerous martinis and huge glasses of red wine “discussing” dating, love, relationships and sex my advice is **drumroll please** ITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP, MAKE YOUR OWN RULES!!  The girls on Sex & The city will tell you to leave him, Cosmo will tell you to try one of the 173 ‘steamy bedroom tricks’ to wow him and add spice to your relationship, then he’ll stay, Your girl “friends” (totally in quotes because I think a lot of girls only want to be your friend when you’re single and miserable… like them. The minute you’re happy & in love all they wanna do is dog your Mr.Wonderful.) so their advice will be to leave him. “Girl, he’ll never change, All MEN are dogs!” But the truth is YOU are the one in the relationship and YOU need to make YOUR rules. If he cheats and you want to stay and work on your relationship that is your choice and your choice alone. If he or she told a few little fibs but you feel like you know the core of that person’s being and you love them and truly feel like you know them, then go to counseling, work on your relationship. Nobody is perfect. The majority of people do things in the beginning of their relationship because they are still feeling the person out, you both are taking chances, living, learning and trying to only show that person your best. Sometimes this results in the absence of information. Maybe you didn’t cut off an ex when you should have, maybe you answered the call from ‘trouble’ it doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. The reality is you don’t know what the future holds and we all; men and women want to do everything in our power to guard our hearts and not get hurt or intentionally hurt the person we’re dating. You will never be perfect in a relationship or alone so you have to give your partner the freedom to make mistakes because trust me they will happen. I’m not saying be a doormat or turn a blind eye when things just don’t line up but be realistic and don’t bail at the first sign of trouble or when something doesn’t go your way. Real love takes work!! Successful relationships take work!! Make mistakes together, get to truly know one another the good and the bad become BEST FRIENDS!

So, I say this loud and proud with all the conviction in the world…MAKE YOUR OWN RULES, ITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP and you don’t owe anyone and explanation but yourself. Maybe you’re okay with having a life partner and never want to get married or decide that moving to India and joining the peace core is how you and your partner want to spend your life…yes, giving up the posh loft and luxury car in the city. GO FOR IT! It only has to make sense to you and Mr or Miss right.  Write your own rules because at the end of the day YOU get to tell your story and you want it to be a story you’re proud of.

PS.”Friends” or not, everybody does not need to know all your business. Some things are better kept between just the two of you and definitly off facebook. Who better than to discuss the trials and tribulations of your relationship with then the person you’re IN the relationship with. When you talk to much people feel they are at liberty to add their two cents or “advice”  and unfortunately that’s the last thing you need when you’re trying to figure it all out, so journal or talk to Jesus but don’t go telling your “friends” all your business. Trust me…you’ll thank me later.

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”

“please don’t like him.”

Exclusivity is more than romantic and physical forsaking. The solidarity of a couple relies on imperviousness. Nothing anyone says outside of your bond should bear any influence affecting such.

It’s not that a confidante lacks best interest at heart; it’s that even the most well-intended opinion only takes into account experience not involving the recipient.

The only true test of worth is true effort.

Putting forth deliberate decision to try will never be looked back upon with lamentation.

Swearing by coerced epiphanies disservices kismet

-Christina White

http://christinawrotethat.com/2011/09/07/please-dont-like-him/#comment-824

Disclaimer: I did not write this lovely piece. One of my dear friends Christina wrote this beautiful blog entry and I thought it was so timely that I just had to share. I’ve attached a link to her blog above as well. Go Christina!

Labor Day weekend… ALL ABOARD!!

Once or twice when my sister was in college my Mom would drop my brother and I off in Oceanside to catch the train to go and spend the weekend with my sister at UCLA. It was a super short ride, about an hour but always so much fun. I always felt such a sense of adventure when I would wheel my little suitcase on the train and my brother and I could pick any seat our little hearts desired and away we went.  For some reason the excitement of a train ride always made me feel like a Southern bell. You can’t overpack because there is nothing cute about a ton of luggage and a train (I’m not sure what but its just not) I feel like you indefinitely have to wear a dress. Its total protocol…Im a lady, I’m riding a train and well I will be wearing a dress. If I had cute little gloves that stopped at the wrist and a hat to carry in a hat box I’d totally have that too.  NO PEARLS though…what is this the 1950’s??? But since I’m a modern girly girl I’m sitting in my seat wearing the cutest Maxidress, makeup to perfection sipping on my green tea and blogging 🙂 eagerly anticipating the rest of my labor day weekend with my someone special and embracing the fact that this little three day weekend is about to change everything in a very BIG way.

Happy Labor day guys…enjoy the sunshine and your time with family and friends!

406 Palisades drive aka THE BREAKUP HOUSE

I’m currently sitting in my ex-boyfriend, prospective husband (I thought, I think…who really knows anymore **le sigh**), best-friend, confidants, brand new three bedroom absolutely gorgeous loft that he well, just moved out of. Did I mention its empty **pause for effect**  Yes, I did say he was my ex-boyfriend and a host of other things in the last sentence **pause** (process that…yes, feel free to process one more time) the only reason I’m here is because he is in LA currently moving into yet another new loft…work transfer. And well someone had to be here to let the house cleaners in to do the final clean and well of course…”I’ll do it, I’ll be there…anything else you need feel free to count on me!” (Kokoa raises hand!!) I’ll admit it I like helping him, I like being the one he calls when he needs something but I still must ask myself, why do we as women put ourselves through this type of torture?? I’m sitting here recounting the countless mornings and nights we spent here together…movies in the big bed followed by late night conversations, Adele as the soundtrack and huge glasses of red wine to wash it all down. The BREAK which turned into his Break through which ultimately turned into our Break-up which then led to my Break Down and currently my BROKEN HEART all happened in this DAMN loft! You’d think I’d be happy to say goodbye to it…but sadly change is never easy. So as Lupe <-Yes, that really IS her name, I’m not some insensitive racist, washes the last shelf in the refrigerator and her sister wipes down the last mirror in the bathroom (ok, that was kind of racist, I’m not really sure there sisters) I am faced with the question. If you’re not worthy of his heart then why in the hell did you drive across the bridge to let in the house cleaners!!? **pause for thought** Oh, I know…because you’re the crazy girl who is still in love with a man who may not be in love with you anymore. Am I really THAT pathetic or am I just in Love…or as one of my best friends always says…oh honey “You’re just ‘in DUMB’, Let us not mistake that with Love.” Which is it?? I need an answer…like ummmm yesterday perhaps.

I still love him! (there, I admitted it) I’m still madly in love with Superman.

Lupe just asked me to come and do the final walk through…hold please.

Ughhh!! Is she psychic?? Or does the universe just like screwing with me sometimes?? Lupe says “Oh why are you guys moving” as she gathers her things to head back to her car. “Oh my boyfriend (phuckin Freudian slip) got transferred to LA for work” Of course her reply…classic and sweet (which also drove a blunt, rusty pitchfork into my heart is…) with her thick Spanish accent…(go ahead…think Penelope Cruz)  “Ohhh Hollywood!! Nice weather, have fun, beautiful place to make baby! Your boyfriend is very lucky you are beautiful!” she then bid me good luck, grabbed the last of her things and walked back to her car. With a lump in my throat I respond “Thank you Lupe”…walked back in the garage and pushed the button for it to close one last time.

I make one final walk around the condo. Tears in my eyes and an extremely heavy heart once again closing another chapter in my life with Superman. It seems like over the last year we’ve written a Trilogy. I realize I’m tired of goodbyes. I’m tired of see you laters…I’m officially 100% sick and tired of breakups followed by “if it’s meant to be time will reveal.”  I’m ready for consistency, I’m ready to be wanted and loved unconditionally, for someone to want to fight for me because DAMN IT…I am sick and tired of always being the only one fighting in the relationship. I don’t know what the future holds but I know one things for sure…In my 10 years of being in this beautiful city I’ve learned, lived and learned to LOVE and the next time anyone say’s goodbye it will be me.

San Francisco, I’ve officially given you an expiration date!

Beyonce “4”

The new Beyonce ROCKS!! I’ve been jammin’ to it in the house and in my car since the day it dropped. Yes, it is slightly different sound than other Bey albums but I’d still happily give it 5 stars. Bey is fierce, fun and such a fashionista and I just love her drive and passion. I can not forget the way she lets the WHOLE world know she LOVES her man but still maintains their privacy. I’m a total celebrity gossip hore but I respect Bey’s desire for privacy and don’t get mad when she still won’t leak her wedding photos or discuss her and Jays private life.

My personal favs on the album…1+1 I couldn’t have written a more honest and true love song. I feeeeel you Bey!! “I don’t know much about Algebra but I know 1+1=2 and its me and you…we ain’t got nothing without love…” Best thing I Never had I’m gonna go ahead and say she was in my head when she wrote this one. “So when I think of time that I almost loved you, you showed your ass and I saw the real you…I won’t let you back, I’m honestly through with you…I bet it sucks to be you right now…You’re the best thing I NEVER had!” Party I’m not sure what mind altering substance may have been consumed during the writing of this song but ummm “Saucy like SWA-GU” <secretly I know it’s a hot mess but I love it and it makes me want to go to a roller skating rink and hold hands with some cute boy in old school matching outfits during ‘couples’ skate. Start Over “Maybe we reached the mountain peak, and there’s no more left to climb, and maybe we lost the magic piece, and we’re both too blind to find, let’s start over, let’s give love the wings,let’s start over, Stop fighting bout’ the same old thing, let’s start over, we can’t let our good love die, maybe we can start all over, give love another life” Can this song be any more timely. Love on top I feel like me and my girlfriends should be painting our nails rocking side ponytails whilst eating popcorn at a sleepover and totally filming the music video to this song. I Was Here “I wanna leave my footprints on the sand of time…leave something to remember so they won’t forget I was here. I lived and I loved, I will leave my mark so EVERYONE knows I was here.”  and of course Run the World (GIRLS) Talk about girl anthem for sure!!! I love it, I blast it every morning when I’m getting dressed. If only I was a cheerleader…this will be every highschool cheersquads competition song…mark my word!

Love the album. If you don’t have it…GO GET IT!! I mean like RIGHT RIGHT NOW…Yes, that is an ORDER! (No, I will NOT burn it for you)

 

Btw…I love that she has no shame in being her man’s #1 fan…I will indefinitely be the exact same way when he puts a ring on it and I can not wait!

"Love"