Reader Question (How do I stop cheating??)

Last night I received the following question from one of my loyal readers…A GUY!!! That doesn’t happen to often. Usually I’ll just email them a response back, but I thought this was a very real question and felt the need to share it with all of you, I asked his permission of course and promised him I would post his question exactly as he sent it as well as remove any identifying names so here it goes…

I think its a little gay to ask for advice but my boy {name removed} said you gave him some good advice. im sitting here at his spot right now he says thanks for what you told him. Since me and my girl can’t really afford a professional person right now I wondered if you guys could give me some advice. I read your blog and y’all give some good advice. I love my chick and she tells me she loves me and I believe her. Are relationship hasnt been perfect but shes a down chick. I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it. We have been together for almost 2 years now and the problem is i have cheated twice. I know, why mess up with such a good girl, in spite she did a few things to hurt me to. Staying out late with her girls, not picking up her phone just shit to get under my skin, lied about little shit. I deserved it and took it because i sholdnt have messed up. Well, now after this last time she says she wants us to start over, be all the way honest and stuff. I want to do that for her because she is a good girlfriend but I always get hella weak when i get around other chicks.
i dont know what it is cuz when im home with her i adoor and dont want nobody else, she always makes me happy when were togehter but its like when im not around her i forget. What do I do? I dont want to loose my chick its the first 1 that i actually have fun with and actually just like kickin it with her but i also dont know if i can give her what she is asking. I want to be able to keep her, i want to do right by her. Im 35 and she is 29 so it aint like were kids. Can you help me?

Dear Good Heart not so good judgment,

Well, I am so happy that you decided to reach out to me. Your friend and his fiance have reached out to me numerous times about their relationship and challenges they are facing and I’m so happy to be able to help them. I’m so excited for them and the steps that they are taking to a real, true and honest relationship.  Any who, let’s get to your question. Well, I have been thinking about how to answer it all day. I am going to do everything in my power to not be bias but to tell you how I really feel. So you started off your question by saying you love your girlfriend and she loves you. Lets start off with the definition of love. Webster says love is: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  So in all honesty that just means you like her A LOT, A WHOLE LOT and that you care for her. I’m not saying love isn’t important but just by going off the dictionary definition lets just call it what it is. I was going to get into the biblical definition as well but I don’t want to get to preachy. When you love someone you don’t do things to  hurt them. When you have a profound, tender and passionate affection for someone you just don’t do things to hurt them. Plain and SIMPLE. You said your relationship hasn’t been perfect. That is ok, nobodies relationship is perfect. Nope. not even the Obama’s and I’m pretty positive if Cliff and Claire Huxtable had been real people raising 5 kids in New York their relationship would have been riddled with real life problems that didn’t get solved in a 30 minute episode either. You know, I bet Joseph and Mary even had a few words  in the barn when she turned up pregnant and the two of them hadn’t slept together. So don’t beat yourself up for not having a perfect relationship any honest couple would tell you there’s isn’t perfect either. So you said you cheated on your girlfriend…twice. Ummm,well …. hmm…about that…okay, we’ll… The first time we can chalk up whatever action to a mistake, bad judgment, temptation,too much alchohol…whatever.  The second time that action was a clear, conscience choice. Yes, it may sound harsh but you were being selfish thinking only of self and didn’t care that you may hurt your girlfriend all you wanted to do was get off. Now you say you cheated twice, I am assuming this is physical cheating. Wither you had sex, just got a handjob or only kissed another women it was wrong, completely wrong. There is no way that I can give you any reason or make an excuse for why that was ok. Cheating is NEVER ok. Let me repeat that cheating is NEVER ok. You said “I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it.” It seems to me that this is a good women. I don’t think she is perfect but from your brief description she appears to be someone who cares about your whole person. Your health (Im assuming this means encouraging you to make healthy habits), if you are successful (which means I assume she is supporting your dreams) she even cares about you family and you feel like you don’t deserve it? Why do you feel that way? Would you say it’s because you cheated or because you just don’t deserve to be cared for. as a whole? I’d like you to answer those questions for me in an email because I’d like to delve into that further. Any who, You recognize you have a good thing, so, why cheat? I have been on both sides of this equation the difference is I cheated in response to being cheated on, just a bad combination but since I’m being honest I’ll be 100% honest.  I’m not saying my cheating was better or worse it just is what it is. Once I cheat I don’t respect you and this relationship probably won’t go anywhere long-term. Which is why no matter how bad it gets if I love you and see a potential future with you I will not sleep with anyone else while I am in that relationship no matter what. When I was younger I just dated to date now I think much more long-term. On the contrary, when I ws cheated on the guy just wasn’t ready to stop. It was a conscience choice. He continued to chose new and old vagina over our relationship. It stings to admit but that  is the reality. Growing up, saying no to other women and being content with one person was something he just chose not to do. Yes, chose. 

Cheating hurts, I don’t want to intentionally hurt someone I love.  If I really love you and I really care about you I won’t cheat. Now If my partner cheats on me and I still care about him and want to work it out there is a possibility that I may do something devious, text an ex, not answer my phone late at night when I’m out with the girls just little petty childish things to piss the guy off and get his attention. No it’s not right, its actually quite stupid, but I want to remind him that I’m desired, and if he messes up again there will be someone to fill his shoes. It seems like this may be the path your girlfriend took when she did similar things after finding out you had been unfaithful. We want to get back at you but we don’t want to end the relationship. Childish?? Yes. Of course the thing to do would be to talk it out and work through it, admit your faults and do whatever she needs you to do to regain her trust (this is if you still want to be together) if not…throw up the deuces and part ways. Understand picking up the pieces and going on to have a successful, loving and trusting relationship after cheating is hard very hard but it can be done. I’ve seen it be done, more than once. I have not successfully done it yet but if I had a partner who cheated and I still saw a future with them and he was willing to work through it I would do it, why because we all make mistakes and it takes a very big person to forgive. I’ve lived long enough to realize that. Now would he be willing to turn in his player card, retire from the game and realize I am enough, not be tempted by his single friends still playing the field, and turn down the allure of new vagina is the question. Most men truly aren’t ready to put an end to their extended adolescence. They are only forced to do so once either they get to old, someone close to them dies (which shows life doesn’t last forever and they simply get scared) or something jolts them to reality and forces them to grow up immediately.  Yes honey extended adolescence can extend to 30+ and sadly a lot of men are often sidetracked by the allure of other new and exciting women, but the reality is until God calls all of us home there will always be someone new, seemingly more exciting, bigger boobs, a bigger butt, and all that stuff that makes you think with your little head instead of your big one. You have to be man enough to GROW UP and say NO.  Trust me the more you say no the easier it becomes. Practice does make perfect. Take your butt home after the club. Dont respond to the late night text from your ex or previous bed buddy. Mr.Number is the best  smart phone application known to man. I have set all numbers (calls and texts) that can even be remotely tempting to be immediately declined and never to show up on my phone not even in my missed call log. Out of sight out of mind. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t. Nobody is holding you down and forcing your penis inside their vagina. Yes, it sounds a little vulgar but its the truth. Cheating ALWAYS takes two, don’t be the other person in that equation. JUST STOP!! <-Yes, I am yelling. You say she’s a good girl, you say you have fun with her and you love her so you have to ask yourself whats more important. New p*ssy or having a committed partner who is going to love you, support you and forgive you in spite of the fact that you cheated on her…TWICE!! It takes a real women to forgive a cheater and still want to be with them. You said in your second to last sentence “you don’t know if you can give her what she’s asking” What she’s asking seems pretty simple to me. She wants you to be honest going forward and don’t cheat, she’s not asking you for a ring and to buy her a house. Understand this request isn’t specific to your girlfriend. Any women worth her salt is going to request that you are honest with her and don’t cheat and if they accept you cheating and just turn a blind  she doesn’t value herself and do you really want to be with someone like that? I don’t think so. You’re 35 years old (that’s 5 years from 40 my love) its time to stop playing games, chasing tail WILL get old. You need to be the type of guy you want your.unborn daughter to be with. Either you decide to change so you can keep a good women or you don’t those are really your only options. Both of those are choices that only YOU can make. Time is fleeting and no women will wait forever.

“The stronger person always forgives first”

“Good relationships don’t just happen overnight. They take time, patience, forgiveness and two people who are willing to go through the fire to be together”

PS.I am not sure if you’re a Christian but I was accused of being a bit preachy and bible thumperish by a few readers SO If you would like an answer from a more biblical perspective don’t hesitate to let me know via email.

-Good Luck Darlin (Let me know how it goes)

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406 Palisades drive aka THE BREAKUP HOUSE

I’m currently sitting in my ex-boyfriend, prospective husband (I thought, I think…who really knows anymore **le sigh**), best-friend, confidants, brand new three bedroom absolutely gorgeous loft that he well, just moved out of. Did I mention its empty **pause for effect**  Yes, I did say he was my ex-boyfriend and a host of other things in the last sentence **pause** (process that…yes, feel free to process one more time) the only reason I’m here is because he is in LA currently moving into yet another new loft…work transfer. And well someone had to be here to let the house cleaners in to do the final clean and well of course…”I’ll do it, I’ll be there…anything else you need feel free to count on me!” (Kokoa raises hand!!) I’ll admit it I like helping him, I like being the one he calls when he needs something but I still must ask myself, why do we as women put ourselves through this type of torture?? I’m sitting here recounting the countless mornings and nights we spent here together…movies in the big bed followed by late night conversations, Adele as the soundtrack and huge glasses of red wine to wash it all down. The BREAK which turned into his Break through which ultimately turned into our Break-up which then led to my Break Down and currently my BROKEN HEART all happened in this DAMN loft! You’d think I’d be happy to say goodbye to it…but sadly change is never easy. So as Lupe <-Yes, that really IS her name, I’m not some insensitive racist, washes the last shelf in the refrigerator and her sister wipes down the last mirror in the bathroom (ok, that was kind of racist, I’m not really sure there sisters) I am faced with the question. If you’re not worthy of his heart then why in the hell did you drive across the bridge to let in the house cleaners!!? **pause for thought** Oh, I know…because you’re the crazy girl who is still in love with a man who may not be in love with you anymore. Am I really THAT pathetic or am I just in Love…or as one of my best friends always says…oh honey “You’re just ‘in DUMB’, Let us not mistake that with Love.” Which is it?? I need an answer…like ummmm yesterday perhaps.

I still love him! (there, I admitted it) I’m still madly in love with Superman.

Lupe just asked me to come and do the final walk through…hold please.

Ughhh!! Is she psychic?? Or does the universe just like screwing with me sometimes?? Lupe says “Oh why are you guys moving” as she gathers her things to head back to her car. “Oh my boyfriend (phuckin Freudian slip) got transferred to LA for work” Of course her reply…classic and sweet (which also drove a blunt, rusty pitchfork into my heart is…) with her thick Spanish accent…(go ahead…think Penelope Cruz)  “Ohhh Hollywood!! Nice weather, have fun, beautiful place to make baby! Your boyfriend is very lucky you are beautiful!” she then bid me good luck, grabbed the last of her things and walked back to her car. With a lump in my throat I respond “Thank you Lupe”…walked back in the garage and pushed the button for it to close one last time.

I make one final walk around the condo. Tears in my eyes and an extremely heavy heart once again closing another chapter in my life with Superman. It seems like over the last year we’ve written a Trilogy. I realize I’m tired of goodbyes. I’m tired of see you laters…I’m officially 100% sick and tired of breakups followed by “if it’s meant to be time will reveal.”  I’m ready for consistency, I’m ready to be wanted and loved unconditionally, for someone to want to fight for me because DAMN IT…I am sick and tired of always being the only one fighting in the relationship. I don’t know what the future holds but I know one things for sure…In my 10 years of being in this beautiful city I’ve learned, lived and learned to LOVE and the next time anyone say’s goodbye it will be me.

San Francisco, I’ve officially given you an expiration date!

He’s just not that into me…I mean you…no wait maybe I do mean me.

Okay…so last night I was watching “He’s  just not that into you” One of my absolute favorite movies which inspired me to pull the actual book off the shelf this morning and well…read it. Talk about Bible for relationships (I really should read this book once a month and gift it to every single girlfriend I have ‘just because’ I imagine the one’s in relationships might be able to gain a nugget or two of wisdom from it as well) Any who…being in the strange “relationship space” I’m in right now I decided to read a few sections…Now, I’m sitting on my fire escape reading the entire book but took a quick break to write to you beautiful people, specifically my ladies today. Let me put it in simple girl terms, I’m in a very strange “relationship space”…thats my way of explaining it I guess so I don’t have to admit the painful yet obvious truth, but the reality is…okay wait, I’m not ready to admit that yet either…or that…and definetly NOT that. Ladies, if you haven’t read the book. READ THE BOOK and while you’re at it read “What men won’t tell you but women need to know” and then don’t do like I did 2 years ago when I bought both of these books for the first time aka read them, had a few aha moments and then shelved them away for safe keeping. Read them…Read them again…Read them both one more time and LISTEN! If he’s not asking you out, not calling you, not taking you on dates, having sex with someone else, only wants to see you when he’s been drinking, doesn’t want to marry you, Is breaking up with you, if he’s disappeared on you, if he’s married or other insane variations of being unavailable…then he’s just NOT THAT INTO ME…I mean you…no wait maybe I do mean me.

(pours another glass of wine and slips on sunglasses **cue Adele**)

:-(

According to all the relationship books and such I’m supposed to put on a brave face, keep busy and try not focus on the ‘break’ BUT this is not even a little easy. I miss you, every single thing about you good and bad. Maybe this makes me look weak or vulnerable, if so, so be it. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Everything is NOT okay.