We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” Lily Tomlin
This morning I wake up to a stream of text messages from one of my absolute favorite girlfriends who is also 9 months pregnant with her first child and is a hormonal bag of all types of crazy… much like me. Of course only the most recent message shows up when I unlock my phone but I know it’s about to get good, I scroll down to read the rest…the first frantic message I see says “and girl…he was totally about to [masturbate] (<-I can’t use the phrase she used…I just can’t) I caught him red handed” so of course I start scrolling barely able to contain my laughter as I don’t want to wake my sleeping superman laying beside me, I slide out of bed and take my phone upstairs cause I know this can only get better. Since I don’t have a fancy iphone I can’t screen shot the conversation, Gawd I wish I could, so I’m gonna have to paraphrase so you can get the just of it. So, [Hillary] pretty much caught her man about to rub one out last night when he thought she was sound asleep in the other room. She woke up and realized he was no longer in the bed beside her as they’d both got in the bed together about 2 hours before, kissed goodnight you know the nightly ritual. She called for him, no answer, checked the bathroom, no [Tony] so she started to panic…lol (he couldn’t possibly be in the kitchen making a sandwich) She walked through the hall tip-toeing of course until she notices a blue light shining from underneath the office door, breathing a sigh of relief she gently pushes open the door ‘baby, is everything o…” she doesn’t even get the ‘k’ out before she realizes what he’s doing…watching porn (milfy porn to be exact) and totally about to get it crackin’…lotion on the desk and everything! She makes it a point to emphasize it was a bottle of lotion she’d never seen before and was equally as offended that he didn’t wake her up to join in as she was that he had a special bottle of ‘get it poppin’ lotion’…THE NERVE!
Now, I’ve finally regained my composure enough to type this AND called to get the 411 directly from her (text just wasn’t gonna do THIS story justice) Oh emm gee! I love how animated my friends can be. I DO understand her pain…she already feels like an alien because there is a hitchhiker attached to her belly but she also (mind you she is still gorgeous and glowing) feels huge and unattractive & all things of the like because her man who is probably just scared his man pole will hit the baby in the head won’t get down like they use too, so to find that he’s resorting to internet porn, the value size bottle of Jergens and PALMala probably did screw with her psyche a bit. Being that she’s just as dramatic as me I already know she probably read more into it then necessary. Anyway, I’ve been there. Not during my pregnancy (that I know of) but I’ve been there…you know…caught your boo thang having a little private time, immediately took it personal and were devastated. We as women read too much into it, we automatically think its our fault, we’re not doing a good job, he’s no longer turned on by us, he’s addicted to porn. Now yes, some of those thoughts may be true but 99.9% of the time it really has nothing to do with us. We’re sleep, busy, just gave him the side eye because he asked you to do what, now!? Doesn’t he see that you JUST got dressed and put your face on!!?? So they handle it themselves, No, I’m not saying it makes the situation any better but I’d much rather my man pay a little visit to PALMala than one of his exes…wouldn’t you??
Sidenote: When was the last time YOU had a little “me time” or paid a secret visit to good vibrations?? Ummm Hmmm…I rest my case.