Facebook and I have been in love since sometime around early 2003. You know when you had to be a college student and have a college email address to join?? *le sigh* THOSE were the GOOD ol’ days. Before Farmville and Mafia wars and hoochie shoe ad’s selling high-heeled Jordans!? You know the days before my Grandma could have a Facebook or my old Sunday School teacher and that whole crazy big brother facial recognition effect wtheezy!!? I know all things have to evolve and obviously Mr.Zuckerberg knew a thing or two about what he was doing since he’s like a Gazillionaire now so who am I to talk but today I am lifting my code of silence. Facebook, I LOVE YOU but I secretly hate you too! Okay, maybe it’s not you I hate. It’s the way you get abused…yes, I said abused. Let me tell you how your users abuse you and why it drives me frickin’ crazy!
I know its tempting to share every single aspect of your day with your 783 ‘friends’ . Its like computer crack you can’t log in without updating your status and smart phones make it even more tempting. I’ve been a victim of it too. I think the world wants to know I had french toast for breakfast and washed it down with a nice bubbly mimosa. But here’s the sitch, I’m willing to make a deal with all the 24/7 updaters. As long as you’re posting warm fuzzies you get a pass, but if you’re reminding us every 20 minutes how much you hate your job, your life, your house how much you hate working out etc. Mr. or Ms. Negative Nelson then keep it too yourself. That stuff is depressing and downright sad, plus it makes us wonder is there anything you’re thankful for. I mean hate your job if you must but you’re updating that Debbie Downer status from somewhere which means you either have a computer or cellphone and that alone is something to be thankful for.
Babies! Cute cuddly little munchkins they are. I get butterflies in my stomach every time one of my friends tells me there expecting (Ok, maybe I’m lying a little) but seriously some things should be left a secret like the positive pregnancy test. If I see one more pee stick as a profile picture I’m gonna scream. Some moments are better left unshared. We’re more than happy to see your baby bumps but the pee stick!!? That is a NEG-A-TIVE!
If I wasn’t your friend in highschool better yet you were my arch-enemy don’t try to friend me now. That’s what we call the nosey “friend” request. I know you’re just trying to see if I’m married, fat or have 5 kids. I mean that’s why I friend request people 30% of the time. I know this trick. So, let me make it easy for you since this blog is public and my fb is very private if you’re not my real friend (Oh how I love privacy settings). I’m not married, I don’t have any children, I’m the exact same size as I was in highschool and no, I do NOT want to be your “friend”. I’ve been holding that grudge for 10 years and I plan to keep it up for 10 more. Yes, I’m talking to YOU!
Lets move to the topic of relationship status if you’re not married just don’t put it up there. Inevitably something is going to go wrong…life will happen. You’ll see a shady text or get mad when your man or lady looks at the barista at Starbucks just 10 seconds too long and then instantly “it’s complicated” then 20 minutes into the car ride home they say something to set you off then Pow! Now you’re “single” the next morning after some very passionate sexy time you decide to be in a ‘realtionship’ again. What you don’t realize is everyone is talking about you and saying your crazy and bipolar so until they like it so much they put a ring on it. Just refrain. Trust me…it’ll help you save face in the long run.
On to messages… If you send a mass email to 57 people when responding to the original sender just click their name so the message only goes to them. I have no interest in back and forth all day responses between two people on the message especially if it has nothing to do with me. Plus my fb notification and my text message notification are the same sound so when I run across the kitchen because I’m waiting for Will Smiths text message (a girl can dream) and that oh so familiar alert goes off, when I almost slip and kill myself only to find out it’s a fb msg that isn’t even for me I secretly hate you.
Last but certainly not the least. If I meet you at lets say the club or a friends party of some sort and you ask me my name and then you instantly send me a friend request (while we’re still at the party) I think you’re scary and weird and possibly a stalker and I WILL NOT friend you. This goes for men and women alike. I mean are we REALLY friends. Can you at least meet me at a few parties before you go slinging friend request all willy nilly. Also, for the guys who pillage their friends pages and start trying to ‘friend’ all the cute girls…you’re so weird! We know what you’re doing, you are not slick… once again you are getting labeled a stalker…and probably BLOCKED!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep breaking these rules on Facebook
And I’ll be blocking you too!
61 people currently on my blocked list and counting…
What drives YOU crazy about facebook?? Please share. I know I’m not the only one…inquiring minds want to know.