“Mini cooper girl”

“I don’t know why they call it a Walk of Shame. You just had sex last night and now everyone knows it… Sounds like a Walk of Win to me.”

-Unknown (but probably written by a man)

So, I have these neighbors. I’d say there probably in there late twenties, early thirties. Pretty attractive guys (for what I can see behind there inappropriately dark shades), well-groomed, the “I totally tried but I want to look like I didn’t” type outfits and they drive the kind of cars that say “Look at me…I’m driving the cool car”  Now, I’m no rocket scientist but I’m quite the observationalist and after living next door to them for the last 6 months I’ve noticed a few things/ but one cause for concern. My first being that the number of women that enter and exit that premise on any given day can range from 2-6. No not 2 to 6 years old but 2-6 different women. Now this is no brothel or top-secret modeling agency just a few charismatic young gentleman who happen to have what I like to call “reckless penis syndrome” now, I will admit, I could be totally wrong, maybe it is a top-secret modeling agency or maybe, just maybe they all are meeting for prayer BUT go with me here; when I take the pup out for his morning walk and the lady of the evening is leaving in her sparkly after 10pm dress with bed head and smudged eyeliner I’m led to believe there might have been some getting on your knees but not the kind you do in church on Sunday. I digress..so here is my main cause for concern. There is one particular young lady who me and the honey call “mini cooper girl” she drives this teal mini and on more than one occasion she is or shall I say isn’t the chosen girl of the evening and we observe her sitting in her mini in front of the entrance to our communal garage just sitting…waiting…patiently. Feverishly texting guy #1 or guy #2  (I’m not sure which one is her chosen one) and consistently being ignored. Sadly, I know the reason she’s being ignored is because there is another girl up there, I’ve met my share of them in the elevator. I mean she will sit out there for hours and hours buzzing the intercom to there apartment and they just will not buzz her up. Now, I think what is so puzzling to me is that you can clearly see if their cars are inside the garage or not and if both cars are there, there is a 99% chance both guys are there too and they just ignore her. They could give her the access code if they wanted too and then she wouldn’t even have to buzz she could just let herself in but apparently they just don’t want her to have that level of access to the hoegarden. So, here’s where she gets the side eye… this chick has even asked me to buzz up or even on the most recent occasion let her in the garage to park because “there expecting her” of course I never do, I mean she could be a serial killer 😉 but really where does one’s dignity step in? Honey, you are not the lady of the evening… tonight. Yes, they are up there and yes, they are ignoring your calls, texts, smoke signals and carrier pigeons so have some dignity and take your butt home! Do you know how desperate you look?? I mean we make a game of it now…we take bets on if/when you’ll get let in and then go peek over the balcony and see…so far you’ve waited for 1 hour and 19 minutes **shakes head**  Sweet pea, you only get invited over during booty call hours to be swiftly ushered out the door the following day before noon, and you ALWAYS leave in the same clothes. I know it may be hard to accept but you are indeed a jump off, bootycall…late night rendezvous may be your title of choice…not sure what you like to call yourself, but here is what I am sure of **drumroll please** You will NEVER get invited home to meet the parentals SO if you want to be that girl then just keep doing what you’re doing however if you’d like to not be that girl then grow some balls and put Mr. Hotty in 502 on your ‘dont answer’ list and go home.  You can always reinvent your desperate ways for the next one and just be the cool, calm and collected girl who calls the shots. He never has to know you’d sit in front of his house for hours to see if he’ll pick you that evening. Desperate Denise can become Desirable Diane in a heartbeat. Men will always treat you the way you allow them too and of course this goes without saying but if you are always “available” where’s the fun in that?? As my Mama always said “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free??” Or maybe just maybe ‘He’s just not that into you’…

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