Reader Question (How do I stop cheating??)

Last night I received the following question from one of my loyal readers…A GUY!!! That doesn’t happen to often. Usually I’ll just email them a response back, but I thought this was a very real question and felt the need to share it with all of you, I asked his permission of course and promised him I would post his question exactly as he sent it as well as remove any identifying names so here it goes…

I think its a little gay to ask for advice but my boy {name removed} said you gave him some good advice. im sitting here at his spot right now he says thanks for what you told him. Since me and my girl can’t really afford a professional person right now I wondered if you guys could give me some advice. I read your blog and y’all give some good advice. I love my chick and she tells me she loves me and I believe her. Are relationship hasnt been perfect but shes a down chick. I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it. We have been together for almost 2 years now and the problem is i have cheated twice. I know, why mess up with such a good girl, in spite she did a few things to hurt me to. Staying out late with her girls, not picking up her phone just shit to get under my skin, lied about little shit. I deserved it and took it because i sholdnt have messed up. Well, now after this last time she says she wants us to start over, be all the way honest and stuff. I want to do that for her because she is a good girlfriend but I always get hella weak when i get around other chicks.
i dont know what it is cuz when im home with her i adoor and dont want nobody else, she always makes me happy when were togehter but its like when im not around her i forget. What do I do? I dont want to loose my chick its the first 1 that i actually have fun with and actually just like kickin it with her but i also dont know if i can give her what she is asking. I want to be able to keep her, i want to do right by her. Im 35 and she is 29 so it aint like were kids. Can you help me?

Dear Good Heart not so good judgment,

Well, I am so happy that you decided to reach out to me. Your friend and his fiance have reached out to me numerous times about their relationship and challenges they are facing and I’m so happy to be able to help them. I’m so excited for them and the steps that they are taking to a real, true and honest relationship.  Any who, let’s get to your question. Well, I have been thinking about how to answer it all day. I am going to do everything in my power to not be bias but to tell you how I really feel. So you started off your question by saying you love your girlfriend and she loves you. Lets start off with the definition of love. Webster says love is: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  So in all honesty that just means you like her A LOT, A WHOLE LOT and that you care for her. I’m not saying love isn’t important but just by going off the dictionary definition lets just call it what it is. I was going to get into the biblical definition as well but I don’t want to get to preachy. When you love someone you don’t do things to  hurt them. When you have a profound, tender and passionate affection for someone you just don’t do things to hurt them. Plain and SIMPLE. You said your relationship hasn’t been perfect. That is ok, nobodies relationship is perfect. Nope. not even the Obama’s and I’m pretty positive if Cliff and Claire Huxtable had been real people raising 5 kids in New York their relationship would have been riddled with real life problems that didn’t get solved in a 30 minute episode either. You know, I bet Joseph and Mary even had a few words  in the barn when she turned up pregnant and the two of them hadn’t slept together. So don’t beat yourself up for not having a perfect relationship any honest couple would tell you there’s isn’t perfect either. So you said you cheated on your girlfriend…twice. Ummm,well …. hmm…about that…okay, we’ll… The first time we can chalk up whatever action to a mistake, bad judgment, temptation,too much alchohol…whatever.  The second time that action was a clear, conscience choice. Yes, it may sound harsh but you were being selfish thinking only of self and didn’t care that you may hurt your girlfriend all you wanted to do was get off. Now you say you cheated twice, I am assuming this is physical cheating. Wither you had sex, just got a handjob or only kissed another women it was wrong, completely wrong. There is no way that I can give you any reason or make an excuse for why that was ok. Cheating is NEVER ok. Let me repeat that cheating is NEVER ok. You said “I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it.” It seems to me that this is a good women. I don’t think she is perfect but from your brief description she appears to be someone who cares about your whole person. Your health (Im assuming this means encouraging you to make healthy habits), if you are successful (which means I assume she is supporting your dreams) she even cares about you family and you feel like you don’t deserve it? Why do you feel that way? Would you say it’s because you cheated or because you just don’t deserve to be cared for. as a whole? I’d like you to answer those questions for me in an email because I’d like to delve into that further. Any who, You recognize you have a good thing, so, why cheat? I have been on both sides of this equation the difference is I cheated in response to being cheated on, just a bad combination but since I’m being honest I’ll be 100% honest.  I’m not saying my cheating was better or worse it just is what it is. Once I cheat I don’t respect you and this relationship probably won’t go anywhere long-term. Which is why no matter how bad it gets if I love you and see a potential future with you I will not sleep with anyone else while I am in that relationship no matter what. When I was younger I just dated to date now I think much more long-term. On the contrary, when I ws cheated on the guy just wasn’t ready to stop. It was a conscience choice. He continued to chose new and old vagina over our relationship. It stings to admit but that  is the reality. Growing up, saying no to other women and being content with one person was something he just chose not to do. Yes, chose. 

Cheating hurts, I don’t want to intentionally hurt someone I love.  If I really love you and I really care about you I won’t cheat. Now If my partner cheats on me and I still care about him and want to work it out there is a possibility that I may do something devious, text an ex, not answer my phone late at night when I’m out with the girls just little petty childish things to piss the guy off and get his attention. No it’s not right, its actually quite stupid, but I want to remind him that I’m desired, and if he messes up again there will be someone to fill his shoes. It seems like this may be the path your girlfriend took when she did similar things after finding out you had been unfaithful. We want to get back at you but we don’t want to end the relationship. Childish?? Yes. Of course the thing to do would be to talk it out and work through it, admit your faults and do whatever she needs you to do to regain her trust (this is if you still want to be together) if not…throw up the deuces and part ways. Understand picking up the pieces and going on to have a successful, loving and trusting relationship after cheating is hard very hard but it can be done. I’ve seen it be done, more than once. I have not successfully done it yet but if I had a partner who cheated and I still saw a future with them and he was willing to work through it I would do it, why because we all make mistakes and it takes a very big person to forgive. I’ve lived long enough to realize that. Now would he be willing to turn in his player card, retire from the game and realize I am enough, not be tempted by his single friends still playing the field, and turn down the allure of new vagina is the question. Most men truly aren’t ready to put an end to their extended adolescence. They are only forced to do so once either they get to old, someone close to them dies (which shows life doesn’t last forever and they simply get scared) or something jolts them to reality and forces them to grow up immediately.  Yes honey extended adolescence can extend to 30+ and sadly a lot of men are often sidetracked by the allure of other new and exciting women, but the reality is until God calls all of us home there will always be someone new, seemingly more exciting, bigger boobs, a bigger butt, and all that stuff that makes you think with your little head instead of your big one. You have to be man enough to GROW UP and say NO.  Trust me the more you say no the easier it becomes. Practice does make perfect. Take your butt home after the club. Dont respond to the late night text from your ex or previous bed buddy. Mr.Number is the best  smart phone application known to man. I have set all numbers (calls and texts) that can even be remotely tempting to be immediately declined and never to show up on my phone not even in my missed call log. Out of sight out of mind. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t. Nobody is holding you down and forcing your penis inside their vagina. Yes, it sounds a little vulgar but its the truth. Cheating ALWAYS takes two, don’t be the other person in that equation. JUST STOP!! <-Yes, I am yelling. You say she’s a good girl, you say you have fun with her and you love her so you have to ask yourself whats more important. New p*ssy or having a committed partner who is going to love you, support you and forgive you in spite of the fact that you cheated on her…TWICE!! It takes a real women to forgive a cheater and still want to be with them. You said in your second to last sentence “you don’t know if you can give her what she’s asking” What she’s asking seems pretty simple to me. She wants you to be honest going forward and don’t cheat, she’s not asking you for a ring and to buy her a house. Understand this request isn’t specific to your girlfriend. Any women worth her salt is going to request that you are honest with her and don’t cheat and if they accept you cheating and just turn a blind  she doesn’t value herself and do you really want to be with someone like that? I don’t think so. You’re 35 years old (that’s 5 years from 40 my love) its time to stop playing games, chasing tail WILL get old. You need to be the type of guy you want your.unborn daughter to be with. Either you decide to change so you can keep a good women or you don’t those are really your only options. Both of those are choices that only YOU can make. Time is fleeting and no women will wait forever.

“The stronger person always forgives first”

“Good relationships don’t just happen overnight. They take time, patience, forgiveness and two people who are willing to go through the fire to be together”

PS.I am not sure if you’re a Christian but I was accused of being a bit preachy and bible thumperish by a few readers SO If you would like an answer from a more biblical perspective don’t hesitate to let me know via email.

-Good Luck Darlin (Let me know how it goes)

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One thought on “Reader Question (How do I stop cheating??)

  1. WOW!! You told me you had a blog a few weeks ago at Cafe Trieste, I don’t know if you remember me but we talked for almost an hour. Anyway, I subscribed when I got home and this blog popped up in my email box this morning. I didn’t read much the day I subscribed but boy, you have a gift! You are so smart and so wise! I commend you for being so honest and upfront. Cheating really is a choice. I cheated in every relationship I ever had from about 20 until I was 36 with two failed marriages under my belt now. One day I woke up and realized if I didn’t stop cheating and decieiving women I ‘cared’ about I would end up alone and lonely for the rest of my life. I now know the reason I cheated was because I enjoyed the chase. Once I caught the women persae I got bored and wanted something new. I believe in Karma so I just stopped, cold turkey. I got a new phone and number, email etc. It took me a while in the next two relationships to be content with just that women. I found my mind straying and my eyes but I resisited and am proud to say I did not cheat. Now I am 38, single but hopeful that I will find my special women and I will not cheat on her no matter what. Im determined to not be one the these guys anymore. Thank you for your honest response to the question. You’re a great writer. Keep it up!

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