One of my best friends Imelda posted this blog title as her Facebook status today and I felt it deserved a blog post as I’ve argued this with numerous men and women in my life. Men I dated and those I didn’t as well. My thoughts are pretty plain and simple.
“Cheating is a choice. Men cheat and Women cheat but it is never ok!”
I’ve been cheated on and although I wasn’t in the head of the cheater I can say most people who cheat have a million and one excuses as to why they did what they did. Usually they somehow find a way to shift that reasoning and make it your fault. Wither it was because they didn’t trust you, thought you were cheating, weren’t secure in themselves had some carnal hedonistic desire to ‘conquer’ as many women as they possibly could or just weren’t all that attractive to the opposite sex when they were younger and now that they are they try to screw everything that crosses their path. Whatever the ‘reason’ its NEVER ok. Let’s also make it clear, cheating is not always physical its mental, spiritual and emotional. None is less of an offense then the other. From experience its easier for me to forgive a physical cheater but when you see countless emails, texts and conversations of someone confessing their affection for another that’s a little harder to shake. Whatever the reason or excuse as stated before its NEVER ok. When you really love someone you don’t cheat on them, plain and simple because if the other person finds out it will hurt and I don’t know very many people who are in the business of deliberately hurting those they love.
It has to be an active daily pursuit to know longer want to be a cheater. Not cheating takes work just like quitting drugs. Its serious and can ruin your life and any chance of a healthy relationship if you don’t actively work on changing the behavior but the person has to WANT to change, not for someone else, not because it’s what society expects but because they see a problem, realize if they don’t change they’ll be alone forever and then they have to change. Removing people from their lives who cheat or condone cheating is very important too. Kinda like drug addiction…if you’re trying to quit all your friends can’t be drug addicts or you’re just gonna be a hamster in a wheel. Always running but getting nowhere. I’ve been told time and time again “just because my friends cheat doesn’t mean I will or can’t think for myself” this could be true but sadly we are more like the company that we keep then not. I knew a guy and the majority of his friends either cheated on there wives, girlfriends, women they dated etc. When these friends would come into town they would ask me to bring friends to ‘hangout’ and I’d know they were married, in some cases I even knew there girlfriends and LIKED them. Such an awkward situation to be in! Some would justify the behavior others would admit it was wrong
rare. Regardless, when everyone around you is getting away with cheating I’d bet you’re more inclined to try…even if its just once.
Choice is one of the most important words in the human language. Do I speed or drive the speed limit? Should I tell my friend I’m sick or just that I’d rather not hang out today? Do I admit to my partner that although I initiated the relationship I realize now that I’m not ready and need some time to get ready? It’s always easier to take the path of least resistance but as an adult think long-term, what is more important in the long run? If you start cheating then you have to continue to live that lie forever, seems pretty stressful to me.
Once a Cheater always a cheater…true or false? I say false as I prefer to refrain from absolutes and believe that people can always change but you have to want to change, all the coaxing in the world can’t make someone abandon a learned behavior overnight. They must admit they have a problem and begin down the path to fixing it IF they ever want to have a sucessful relationship that is.
Not a week goes by where one of my girlfriends or one of my readers doesn’t ask me what they should do about a specific situation in their relationship. They want MY advice, like I’m an expert or something. I’m quite flattered but at the end of the day I don’t know everything (Don’t tell Superman that) Any who, after typing countless emails, answering late night texts and tearful phone calls or sipping numerous martinis and huge glasses of red wine “discussing” dating, love, relationships and sex my advice is **drumroll please** ITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP, MAKE YOUR OWN RULES!! The girls on Sex & The city will tell you to leave him, Cosmo will tell you to try one of the 173 ‘steamy bedroom tricks’ to wow him and add spice to your relationship, then he’ll stay, Your girl “friends” (totally in quotes because I think a lot of girls only want to be your friend when you’re single and miserable… like them. The minute you’re happy & in love all they wanna do is dog your Mr.Wonderful.) so their advice will be to leave him. “Girl, he’ll never change, All MEN are dogs!” But the truth is YOU are the one in the relationship and YOU need to make YOUR rules. If he cheats and you want to stay and work on your relationship that is your choice and your choice alone. If he or she told a few little fibs but you feel like you know the core of that person’s being and you love them and truly feel like you know them, then go to counseling, work on your relationship. Nobody is perfect. The majority of people do things in the beginning of their relationship because they are still feeling the person out, you both are taking chances, living, learning and trying to only show that person your best. Sometimes this results in the absence of information. Maybe you didn’t cut off an ex when you should have, maybe you answered the call from ‘trouble’ it doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. The reality is you don’t know what the future holds and we all; men and women want to do everything in our power to guard our hearts and not get hurt or intentionally hurt the person we’re dating. You will never be perfect in a relationship or alone so you have to give your partner the freedom to make mistakes because trust me they will happen. I’m not saying be a doormat or turn a blind eye when things just don’t line up but be realistic and don’t bail at the first sign of trouble or when something doesn’t go your way. Real love takes work!! Successful relationships take work!! Make mistakes together, get to truly know one another the good and the bad become BEST FRIENDS!
So, I say this loud and proud with all the conviction in the world…MAKE YOUR OWN RULES, ITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP and you don’t owe anyone and explanation but yourself. Maybe you’re okay with having a life partner and never want to get married or decide that moving to India and joining the peace core is how you and your partner want to spend your life…yes, giving up the posh loft and luxury car in the city. GO FOR IT! It only has to make sense to you and Mr or Miss right. Write your own rules because at the end of the day YOU get to tell your story and you want it to be a story you’re proud of.
PS.”Friends” or not, everybody does not need to know all your business. Some things are better kept between just the two of you and definitly off facebook. Who better than to discuss the trials and tribulations of your relationship with then the person you’re IN the relationship with. When you talk to much people feel they are at liberty to add their two cents or “advice” and unfortunately that’s the last thing you need when you’re trying to figure it all out, so journal or talk to Jesus but don’t go telling your “friends” all your business. Trust me…you’ll thank me later.
“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
Exclusivity is more than romantic and physical forsaking. The solidarity of a couple relies on imperviousness. Nothing anyone says outside of your bond should bear any influence affecting such.
It’s not that a confidante lacks best interest at heart; it’s that even the most well-intended opinion only takes into account experience not involving the recipient.
The only true test of worth is true effort.
Putting forth deliberate decision to try will never be looked back upon with lamentation.
Swearing by coerced epiphanies disservices kismet
Disclaimer: I did not write this lovely piece. One of my dear friends Christina wrote this beautiful blog entry and I thought it was so timely that I just had to share. I’ve attached a link to her blog above as well. Go Christina!
Once or twice when my sister was in college my Mom would drop my brother and I off in Oceanside to catch the train to go and spend the weekend with my sister at UCLA. It was a super short ride, about an hour but always so much fun. I always felt such a sense of adventure when I would wheel my little suitcase on the train and my brother and I could pick any seat our little hearts desired and away we went. For some reason the excitement of a train ride always made me feel like a Southern bell. You can’t overpack because there is nothing cute about a ton of luggage and a train (I’m not sure what but its just not) I feel like you indefinitely have to wear a dress. Its total protocol…Im a lady, I’m riding a train and well I will be wearing a dress. If I had cute little gloves that stopped at the wrist and a hat to carry in a hat box I’d totally have that too. NO PEARLS though…what is this the 1950’s??? But since I’m a modern girly girl I’m sitting in my seat wearing the cutest Maxidress, makeup to perfection sipping on my green tea and blogging 🙂 eagerly anticipating the rest of my labor day weekend with my someone special and embracing the fact that this little three day weekend is about to change everything in a very BIG way.
Happy Labor day guys…enjoy the sunshine and your time with family and friends!