:-(

According to all the relationship books and such I’m supposed to put on a brave face, keep busy and try not focus on the ‘break’ BUT this is not even a little easy. I miss you, every single thing about you good and bad. Maybe this makes me look weak or vulnerable, if so, so be it. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Everything is NOT okay.

It’s raining today…just what I need.

“Don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens – The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.”

 -John Steinbeck 1958

I am a mess!! For the last 6 weeks or so I’ve been a mess. I haven’t  really reached out to my friends, family or anyone for support because I’m so confused and lost and don’t really know what to do. We have an unspoken agreement that we won’t really discuss our issues with others (other than our therapist) because if we do decided to be together we don’t want to completely taint the image of the other person. Too often we share all the nitty gritty details of our relationships with friends and family alike and then we decide we still want to be with the person. Even though we have chosen to forgive them its hard for our family and friends to do the same, so I’d rather not take the chance here either. I don’t want everyone in my business but after spending almost the last two entire days in the bed in my dark room I realize I am NOT ok and will at least admit that (my therapist says saying it out loud makes it real and sometimes easier to cope with.) I’m miserable to say the least. The smile is just to hide the tears. I have no appetite, I just want to shut the rest of the world out until he gives me an answer. He wanted a break to figure out if he wants to be with me or not. It hurts to type those words. Admit to myself that the man I want to spend my forever with needs time away from me to decide if he wants to be with me. I feel like Addison Sheppard on Greys Anatomy when she’s begging for Dr.Sheppards forgivness after she slept with Dr. Sloan. No, I did not sleep with my ‘boyfriends’ best-friend or anyone else but him for that matter its more that outside looking in feeling, trying to do everything right and show him how much I really care without pressuring him to make any decisions sooner than he is ready. I just want him to say “Yes, I want to be with you! Lets work through our issues because you are more than enough and neither of us are perfect” (It doesn’t have to be those exact words but you know what I mean) Understand he and I both have our share of “disdramedy” (That’s dishonesty,drama and comedy all mixed up into one)  We have had the farthest thing from an easy road in this relationship and when I say farthest I mean it. But, one thing is for sure I am more in love with this man then any man I’ve ever been with before. I don’t believe God put in him my life for just a season. I am fighting tooth and nail for his heart because I can’t just give up or give in. I haven’t seen him in 8 days and this is the longest we have ever spent without seeing each other and just being a 10 or so minutes from one another. When I’m on a vacation or he’s on a business trip doesn’t factor into that equation. I miss him. I miss his touch, his smile, his laugh, his perspective on things, falling asleep on the couch even the arguments. I miss everything about him. I admit I’m a mess sometimes but I want nothing more than to be in repair with him. My heart hurts and his absence is definitely felt. It’s a lot to deal with but I’m hanging on because he’s worth it…I’m worth it…WE ARE WORTH IT!

“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.”

How long should one wait??

So you’re in a relationship with the person you think you’re going to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Then someone (maybe you) throw a wrench in the plan. Its decided by one or both parties that a ‘break’ is necessary. Not a go screw other people run wild in Vegas with no regrets type a break but an ‘I need to figure out if you’re truly the one for me and I truly want to be with you forever and ever kind of break’ Figuring it out without any distraction from the other person…how long should one wait??

I’m asking because… after speaking with both men and women who have requested a ‘break’ from their perspective partners neither of the parties seem to be concerned with the fact that during their break the other party is just sitting in a holding pattern…patiently waiting. Hoping and praying that they are the chosen one.  Assuming this is a one-sided break when is enough a enough? What are some of the choices that should be made before going on thus said break? Do you still talk or see each other? Is sexy time off-limits or do you go cold-turkey…no contact?? Your in site please, inquiring minds want to know.

A Joe Jackson fragrance…REALLY??

Pure Phuckery at its best!! Joe Jackson has created a fragrance…drumroll please…’Tribute’ for men and ‘Legend’ for Women. I hear the male fragrance is musty…I mean MUSKy and the female fragance is more of a refreshing floral scent **blank stare** who the hell wants to smell like Joe Jackson let alone a scent inspired by him. This man is still trying to make any money he can off of his deceased son. Let the boy REST IN PEACE Joe. I mean if anything this will be one of those limited release fragrances, limited to release ONLY at ROSS and to the perfume man…you know the one who comes in the hairshop with the ‘duffle bag’ or better yet sold at Perfumia that classy kiosk in your local mall. I can’t imagine anything this man creating making me want to frolic in flower fields or stop and smell the roses all I can think it would do is make me wanna ‘slap my mama’ or kick the dog! There are some things people shouldn’t try and Joe Jackson in the fragrance business is a DOUBLE NEGATIVE!

 In the words of The great MJ… “Leave me alone”Please Joe, leave HIM alone!!