Weekly fashion tip -SPANX & Yummy Tummies-

Nobody wants a muffin...unless its with coffee

Cottage cheese,wobbly bits,muffin top etc. Whatever you call it I don’t know anyone women over the age of 18 that has not been plagued with one or more of these nasty little monsters (Yes, even supermodels have cellulite ladies they just get it airbrushed before they hit the runway)I’ve tried every cream, gel, procedure(Not lypo…I hear it just makes everything lumpy and from the look of  Tera Reeds stomach…) Even those silly massages…Nothing makes it disappear. A diet rich in fiber, dark leafy green vegetables and lots and lots of water do help to break up and metabolize fat and of course working out and doing lots and lots of cardio <-MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!! and light weight-training definitely help too but sometimes no matter how much you work out when its time to go out on that date and you slip into that pencil skirt or you put on your skinny jeans and well there not looking so skinny…or my favorite…when your low rise jeans with your tucked in tank top and camel colored belt with the huge turquoise buckle looked super hot when you left the house and now you look like a muffin in an overfilled  muffin tin…How in the hell did this happen!?? In times like these sexy little secrets are your friend. Yummy Tummy and SPANX to the rescue. There is no reason whatsoever to ever have VPL’s, muffin top or wobbly bits showing threw your skin tight Herve Leger dress. Nobody has to know that my perfectly sculpted body has a little help. Especially not my boyfriend. No ladies…this isn’t cheating it’s just flaunting your best assets, and putting your best foot forward because once your clothes are off all he’s focused on is your pot of gold and he could careless about your jiggle puff…Hell…my man likes a lot little bounce to the ounce (naughty laugh)
 

Don't YOU want a yummy tummy??

 

Yummy tummies are amazing!! They hold in everything and keep the girls tame as well. You can wear them under a sleek blouse or tank or by themself. The tummy sculpting is sexy and invisible and nobody will ever be the wiser and even though I don’t have any children I imagine these work wonders after that nine month hitchhiker has wreaked havoc on your tummy and you just want everything to be tight and taut, you wanna feel sexy… throw on your yummy tummy and WORK IT GIRL!!

 

Lil' gifts of spandex from God

 

SPANX SPANX SPANX!! There is nothing bad I can say about these amazing lil’ spandex creatures that fell down into my lap from the heavens above. Wither you just want to keep the booty from jiggling or the thighs from wobbling when you put on that skin tight dress or those pumps in a bump jeans or you want your tights to have extra support from the tips of your toes to your belly button then the tights version is for you. Don’t fall for the cheap imitations ladies…SPANX by, Sara Blakley are the only way to go. Definitely go for the smaller size but not so small they bulge and no matter who you are the outfit on top of the Spanx should never be so tight I can see your SPANX lines shining through. Hello… that would tell everyone your secret!!

So when in doubt throw on that Yummy Tummy or a pair of SPANX. The world will thank you, your man will thank you and you won’t end up on my hot mess page.

PS.If you’re worried about your man wondering why you have on a shield of spandex armour under your clothes when it’s rapidly approaching sexy time slip into the bathroom..peel those puppies off, slip them under his bathroom sink (d0n’t forget to pick them up before you leave in the morning) or in your purse if you didn’t forget it in the livingroom and he will never be the wiser. Trust me..I’ve done it numerous times!!

-Happy Conturing (or at least faking it)

 

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Are there any men out there that don’t cheat!!?

Now for every 5 women who will me tell that all men cheat I’m pretty sure there at least 3 men who will say the same thing for women. Being that I’m a women I can only speak for what I know and what I’ve experienced as a women and after a candid conversation with one of my best girls over hot tea and yam pizza from Arzimandi (don’t knock it till you try it) from late Friday night into the wee hours of  this past Saturday morning I’m now asking myself three very important questions:

1)Do all men cheat at some point or another in relationships? Why or Why not?

2)If all men really want is the cookies then why can’t they just say that up front?

3)How does one recover from being cheated on if they don’t want to give up on the relationship but are afraid they may never trust  be able to trust again?

I do my best to refrain from absolutes and don’t like to be put in a box so I try not to do the same thing to others but after Fridays conversation I now know I’m not the only one has such fears and questions, and want to pose the question…Do ALL men cheat?  Except for once I’ve never personally been in a relationship where I WAS NOT cheated on. Let me state that chilling fact one more time. I have NEVER been in a relationship except for one where I wasn’t cheated on and for statistical purposes I will go ahead and  reveal that I am 25 +2 years old (Next week I’ll probably deny it but for today…you do the math) and have been in at least 6 ‘grown-up’  relationships where the monogamy talk was had and I felt there was that mutual understanding that we were only sleeping with and dating each other. The understanding was clear and the mutual respect was understood. We are not to entertain romantic relationships with others because we are committed to one another. But for some reason, some reason unbeknownst to me Mr.Faithful (I love you so much and only want to be with you) always seems to slip and slide his way into somebody else’s lady bits. Or, you find those way too friendly text messages being shared between he and the girl in his phone who he so aptly named by ‘Big bootyAir lounge girl’ when you are ignoring ‘chisled armed 24 hour fitness guy’ or that ex who has finally decides he wants to get his act together now that you are in a relationship…doesn’t it ALWAYS happen that way!!? If it’s not me and I’m doing everything right and you are so in love with me then why are you sneaking around with other chicks when you’re away on business trips, still giving out your number when you go ‘bowling’ with the guys or flying women in town when I just happen to be out-of-town?? If I’m missing something communication is key…There isn’t much a good women who is being treated right at home, feels loved, respected and appreciated WON’T do for her man. The women I know aim to please their men in and out of the bedroom. If you’re going to cheat on me anyway then why ask me to be your girl?? Why not just date me until you know in your heart you’re ready to be faithful to only me and if you love me so much then why didn’t love bring your butt home last night??

Second, enough of all the faux courting and shee shee dates  to Napa. If all you wanna do is knock me down, bend me over your kitchen counter or do some other freaky deaky kinky sex acts then why not just say that? I know you don’t think most women will be down for it but in reality I’m a women (been one for a while) and let me tell you sometimes all we want is to get jiggy with it for a few dates and be on our way too. I know its hard to believe, I’ve talked to lots of guys who say ‘women get attached’ after we sleep together or ‘if I tell her I just want the nani nani’ she won’t let me hit…but how do you know if you don’t ask? There are plenty of women out there who are also focused on their careers, school, shedding those last five pounds or  **GASP** are NOT looking for relationships. I repeat NOT trying to lock you down, poke holes in condoms or trick you into putting a ring on it. We like being single. We too wanna be selfish and  focus only on ourselves. Gimmie just a little bit then take your butt home. No need for explanations or pretend breakfast invitations required…its really okay. We met last night, I invited you back to my place…you gave me some…now go home…run along now…skoot…shoo shoo…adios…BonVoyage!! How about we just pretend we were in Vegas…nobody will EVER know.

Okay great, you cheated, I found out, you lied about it…then felt guilty and confessed. WHAT DO WE DO NOW? I still love you, I don’t want to be without you. Even though you can’t keep your wee willy winky in your pants I’m not ready to write you off. I meant it when I said I loved you and didn’t want to give up easy but now you’ve betrayed my trust and jeopardized my health can this be repaired? Can I ever learn to trust you again? I won’t bad mouth you too my friends. I won’t slander your name on my facebook page  because I truly believe there is never any reason to air your dirty laundry. What happens at home stays in the home but how can you and I get past this?  I can forgive you that part is easy but will I really ever be able to trust you again? I don’t have time to be inspector gaget…I have my own life to live but I can’t act like it didn’t happen either. In my heart I wish you could flashy light me (men in black style) and then never do anything so selfish and insensitive and stupid as cheat on me again but since that’s not possible how do I get to being okay with you going on business trips, hanging out with the boys, better yet going somewhere as innocent as the gym and then you still seem to come home smelling like Juniper Breeze or Honey Lavender body wash…two scents we DO NOT have in our shower and I know you DON’T have in your gym bag!!?

Help me understand boys…me and my ladies need answers. We want to be everything you need us to be but its hard when the trust is shattered. Where do we go after the unspeakable happens?? Do all men cheat?? Or are there good men out there that can really be happy in a monogamous relationship??

Signed,

I still want my fairy tale DAMN IT!!

 

STOP!! WAIT!! You are worth more then your ‘cookies’!!

STOP!! WAIT!! You are worth WAITING for!!

Okay…I’m finally ready to write on this topic. I imagine I will be faced with some scrutiny, backlash and down right objection but over the last 6 months my take on this topic has really changed….and the topic is…**DRUMROLL PLEASE** Abstinence…Waiting…Not letting any old Tom, Dick or Harry stick his grubby lil hands in the cookie jar before he has truly proven that he is worthy of the cookies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very aware women have needs. I know…I have them. But, has our concern regarding getting those needs met turned us into a bunch of lil’ trollops who give it up way too soon?? (Yes, I know that sounded a tad harsh but the truth hurts sometime) Now, I know some of you are reading this thinking…

Girl, you are wild, Isn’t Las Vegas your second home…aren’t you the girl who said wearing panties everyday was really just a waste of laundry?? Better yet…I’ve seen your Facebook pictures and you are no saint.

Yes, I am that girl…I am still proudly wild, sassy, sexy, uninhibited and FUN but the truth is, I wish I had waited, maybe not until I was married, maybe not FOREVER but just waited long enough until I knew if the guy was really worth it. Not because of the things that people have said or implied about me (based off Facebook pictures or gossip) remember people 98% of pictures are posed.

Why??? Because I am worth so much more than just my goodies.

 I realize every time I have ever slept with someone I in turn gave him a little piece of me…a little piece that I would never ever be able to get back. And let’s be real ladies…how many ‘pieces’ of us do we really have to give?? Or better yet we’ve now given so many until we have tricked ourselves into believing that if we don’t give it up he will leave. We lead with our breasts, booties and hips in hopes that we will snag a good man who is able to look past the physical. But let’s be real…men are visual creatures…they like things they can touch…breasts, booties, hips and legs. If that’s what we go into it leading with and don’t force them to get to know who we really are, brains, strengths and weaknesses, fears, hopes, religious preferences, family background, expectations etc. Then who are we to get mad when that guy treats us like a hoe?? I mean isn’t that we looked like when we walked into the club with all our nouns and adjectives on display.  (Now, I am by no way saying we should all invest in hobbits and dress like nuns) But, think about this for a minute…how many men have you cried over that you haven’t slept with?? Maybe one, if any. This is because the emotional connection once you sleep with someone is heightened. It gives you a false sense of closeness.  It’s that good ol’ oxytocin…some like to refer to it as the love hormone.  It makes you feel a connection that is truly only physical but tricks you into believing it is so much more. How much does that suck when all we’re really trying to do is get a lil’ nooky and then go on about our business and then we end up falling in love with the guy…SUCKS…right!!?  Especially when we weren’t looking for Mr. Right just Mr. Right now!

Ladies, if we give a man at least 6 months after the first three he will start to show his true colors. I call it the Real World syndrome (yeah, like the MTV show) he will show you who he is. Think about it like this…when you watch Real World everyone stays loyal to their significant others, is the sweetest person in the house they can maintain whatever image they want the house to see but only for so long. Eventually the real him will come out. If there neurotic…you’ll know. If there obsessive…you’ll know. If there controlling…you’ll know.  If there a lying cheating man who is still entertaining a relationship with his ex(ES) you will find out. Men aren’t good liars. But most of all if all they want from you is SEX…if you don’t give it up they’ll leave because there are plenty of girls out there who will give it up. Men don’t have to work anymore so don’t be THAT girl be the one he works for. You are worth more than your lady bits. Yes, while you’re making him wait he may sleep with other women…you can’t control that. Make him work and do not give him any titles or special privileges until he’s proven himself worthy. This also means don’t make him your man until he’s proven he deserves it.  Let him treat her like the booty call, make him treat you like the future wife not just the jump off. While he’s taking her to Denny’s he’s taking you on ferry rides to Sausalito weekend getaways to Tahoe and of course around his friends and out in the day time. Sidenote: If he only calls you after 10, you never get holidays or even dates in the daytime (some remote restaurant in Fresno doesn’t count) and when you guys hangout his phone is always on silent girl you are indeed the JUMPOFF!! I’m not saying a great relationship can’t spawn from a one or two night stand but the probability of that happening is about as likely as a pink moon and well…have you seen one yet girl??

Trust me…YOU are worth WAITING for. If he won’t wait he is NOT worth your time or energy and certainly not your cookies. Imagine…you ask him to wait for a month…that’s only 4 weeks, 28-31 days depending on the month and he can’t do it…what kind of no self-control having ‘man’ is that. Trust me one you DON’T want . Now, I know we can’t be perfect…mistakes happen. We can’t beat ourselves up over them but we can learn from them and not make the same mistakes over and over again. I mean how many of us gave it up EARLY and then three weeks later we’re all sitting over mimosa brunch saying how angry we are that Mr. Sexy isn’t calling anymore…won’t return our texts or worst of all…we see him out with another girl. ~Gasp…Shutter…been there, seen that…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone~

So ladies…make him wait…make him prove himself…make him prove to you that he is worth entering  your body… and that doesn’t just mean with a pedicure, nice dinner or Gucci bag!! You can get all of that yourself. Talk to him, ask questions (lots and lots of questions), listen to his responses and watch his actions…when somebody shows you who they are believe them. If we take a pair of shoes that hurt back to the store or better yet throw them away and get a new pair then why are we so careless with our hearts and bodies?? We are worth waiting for!!

So when you just need to tap into the ‘I need some right now pond’ there’s plenty of Youporn, Coochietube (just google it) and fun stuff at Good Vibrations (yep, you can buy there fun stuff online too if you don’t live in San Francisco!)  Trust me it will get you there without the headache, heartache or that dreadful oh shit…Now I got to pee on a stick!! It’s really not worth it…is it??

So, as I said before…I’m no saint…a self-proclaimed wild child to say the least but one thing I realize now is…I wish I’d waited…and one day you may too.

“You never wish you’d waited until you find that special someone who you wish you had waited for.”

Mama needs a cocktail…with her GIRLS!!

Okay…so today I had an epiphany while sitting in class…wait, wait..let me start out by saying I do truly LOVE my boyfriend. I don’t want there to be any confusion as we proceed. I love spending time with him, catching up on our DVR’d shows, snuggling on the couch, falling asleep in each others arms, cooking and eating together, having one to many cocktails, grown-up cardio, patio chats,his laugh, the way he pinches my butt when we’re in public places,his smile, okay…maybe I’m a tad bit obsessed but not psycho status just ‘Wow!! He’s amazing how did I ever get so lucky…”  Just being in his presence is more then enough for me, but I realized something today when he got a wild hair up his butt and decided to go play basketball, it made me mad…like throughly pissed me off to the point where I still had an attitude an hour after I left his house and was sitting in class. I realized  Men do what they want, when they want. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing…I think we all can be a little selfish when it comes to how we choose to spend our time at times but what I suddenly realized was while I’ve been “nesting” as women tend to do soon after we get in a relationship…you know…cook, plan stuff for the two of you to do together, sleep in and snuggle on Saturday mornings when you really just wanna go wander the aisles of DSW in a fabulous outfit and bright red lipstick, have popcorn and wine for dinner instead of breaking out the Betty Crocker hat EVERY NIGHT, lay around in your un-sexy pjs while watching Lifetime movies or Sex and the City re-runs, or put on your tiniest dress and highest heels and have a play date with the girls WE instantly operate in WE mode. What are WE going to do this weekend? What are WE going to have for dinner? What should WE watch on TV? I find myself always operating in the plural…the singular  me took a sabbatical sometime around Thanksgiving and I’m kinda starting to miss her…singular not SINGLE. (I swore I saw my face on the side of a milk carton at Whole Foods yesterday…no lie). The caption read:

Last seen cupcakin' in Portrero Hill

“Have you seen this girl?? Fun, Vivacious, Mildly inappropriate…enjoys dancing on tables, taking her puppy to the beach and just being FABULOUS!!?”

No, I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK-UP with my man. No, I do not want to date other people or any silly madness like that but I do need to find ME again the balance between being his partner but not losing myself or neglecting my friends.

What do you want for dinner? What do you want to do today? Whats your schedule looking like this week? Do you like this outfit? Your apartment suddenly becomes more like a hotel then your girly cavern of amazement because you’re only there long enough to change,shower, pack a new bag and scurry back over to his place. Now, in my case yes my boys place is huge, has a great patio, is in a cool neighborhood in San Francisco (nowhere near as cool as mine though) and he makes me feel more than welcome when I’m there…even gave me my own set of keys (free to come and go as I please)  but it’s just not mine and no matter how comfortable I feel or how much I love being there I miss my Mission castle and wouldn’t mind cooking in my kitchen every now and then. I miss my window box, the fact that I can turn my bathroom and bedroom into a total disaster when I’m getting dressed…even when I’m only getting dressed to go take the Prince on a walk. I can have resees pieces for breakfast without feeling like a fatty, but most of all having all my clothes and shoes to choose from when its time to get ready to go out instead of being tied to those skinny jeans and a cardigan that no longer look skinny or the cardigan that is now too warm because SF decided to have one of its Summer in Winter days without checking with me first.  Ladies…I know YOU felt me on that one.

So tomorrow morning I’m going to meet with my trainer bright and early. I’m getting my wobbly bits back to ballet and am enrolling in guitar lessons as soon as I can find a patient instructor. I’m going to my pole dancing classes with Alycakes, will be doing mid-week drinks with Ashley and sometimes just going home to my sanctuary (even itf its just for a couple of hours) because HELL I’m still paying rent and monthly parking there and if you know SF that madness is NOT cheap!

I don’t believe in cohabitation before marriage…I think its very important for both people involved to have there own home and then find one together AFTER he likes it so much he put that ROCK on it… but for the mean time even though it seems fun and sexy and the ‘right’ thing to do, to sit up under each other 24/7 DON’T! Take a breather every now and then…spend time with your girls…don’t forget who YOU are. The fun, sexy, spontaneous, vivacious you is why he picked you to be his girlfriend. Plus, spending time apart will defiently make the ‘grown-up cardio’ even more fun once you’re back in the same room. Keep it fresh, keep it fun, still put on lip gloss and heels just because…and don’t let him see you in your everyday bra no matter how comfortable you feel.

This way when he grabs his basketball shorts you just grab your yoga mat…go work up a sweat…go back to your house…slip into something sexy….reconvene in a few hours and go out with your boy or your girls for a cocktail or three then come home and hop in HIS California King bed because no matter how much you want to be in your Princess Palace every now and then we all know it’s NO FUN TO SLEEP ALONE!! I wouldn’t trade falling asleep in his arms for all the tea in China but sometimes…just sometimes its good to have a lil’ me time because balance IS important…

PS. Did I say how much I loved my boyfriend??