So, as I’m waiting in line at Safeway…one of those late night grape juice and cinnamon graham cracker cravings (Yeah, late at night I turn into a 5 year old… #dontjudgeme) Anyway, something amazing caught my eye…the cover of this months Essence…not your usual pretty brown Hollywood starlet but three of the most beautiful chocolate pieces of man candy to ever walk the red carpet…Boris Kodjoe, Lance Gross and Blaire Underwood…but that’s not what kept my attention…the big bold Italic letters that read “What makes Black Men Happy (and Faithful)” Ummmm WHAT!!!…the secret to how to keep my ideal man happy and faithful is between this glossy October edition of Essence. You better believe I’m buying 2 copies…just in case something happens to one of them.
So, I race home find a spot on the couch and quickly flip past all the Covergirl queen collection ads to find out How to keep MY man (well, the man I plan to have soon happy) As soon as I flip to page 114 I’m more than ready to take a peek inside the male brain and find out what it takes to make a man happy and keep him . But sadly much to my disappointment it’s just a whole bunch of poll results and statistics as to what makes a man ‘happy’ no actual article or facts…Steve Harvey advice…NOTHING!! Ummmm….well, after reading the ‘article’ 3 times back to back I find that to keep a man you have to do a few very hmmmmm ‘simple’ things…which I’ve decided to summarize for you below:
1)Give IT up before marriage.
“I’ve never heard of anyone buying a house unseen. All big ticket items need to be researched and throughly tested prior to lease or purchase.” Rubin C., 36
So, not only are you telling me I have to let my potential partner try out the goods before demanding any type of committment but that is what is expected of me. Lets not forget he likened my lady bits to a house that needs to be ‘tested’ prior to purchase….ummmm are we still cavemen?? Is this really what we’re calling advice??
2) “Twenty-two percent of black men say they ‘hate’ our headscarves”
Well, I’ve got news for you ‘brothas’ (mind you I think they only polled about 10 dudes who probably live in Miami, where the women don’t wear scarves) I will happily not wear a scarf if you are funding a quick trip to the shop lets say every ummm 2-3 days because I have to keep it sexy. Sex can not be vigorous in the least bit because sweating just can’t happen and for Christs sake don’t expect me to snuggle up with you on the couch because that’s just asking for some sort of dent or crinkle that’s going to royally piss me off when I get up and realize I have to ‘iron’ out to even look remotely sane since I have work in the morning. Oh and scarf-less means its gonna take me even more time to get ready in the morning so zip it when I lock myself in the bathroom to attack these flyaways and frizzies to make myself presentable for us to go to Church on Sunday.
3) “Forty-eight percent of black men list loyalty as the most important trait for a women to have in a relationship (only 14% said intelligence)”
Let me translate this for you. Loyalty means 1)Dont cheat on me. 2)Don’t bad talk me in front of your friends, co-workers or family. 3) Support my dreams (even when I’m not actively pursuing them…the arc was not built-in a day, Rome was not built-in a day so even if I want to be a rapper at 40 it won’t happen in a day!) Oh, and as long as you’re fly its cool if you’re stupid…just please don’t wear that damn scarf if you just must pick up a book!
**Now for the grand finale…DRUMROLL PLEASE**
” 55% of men would not be in a relationship with a women who did not perform oral sex.”
So, the way you are telling me to keep my man happy and faithful Essence is to Put out or shut up, Don’t wrap my hair because well…its just UNSEXY , Be loyal (his definition of loyalty of course) but lastly…when all else fails play your man a beautiful tune on the good ol’ skin flute.
Shame on you Essence for selling me a dream…literally. I thought I was actually going to learn something on these glossy pages that I didn’t already know…I could be wrong but I believe most women are already doing these things…especially me and my friends. So the next time you decide you need to shed some light on the ‘How to keep a black man happy AND faithful’ topic give me some substance and real advice because all I read on these pages was what women have been doing for years and since the marriage age keeps rising and more and more beautiful, successful and smart women are still single giving good head is not going to help you keep your man (key word KEEP)!!! We know all it takes to get a man is a mini-dress and some spanx but that’s a whole nother’ blog for a whole nother’ day. Essence sorry to say but I’m dissappointed…you must do better!!
Single…sexy and currently rockin’ my satin scarf
PS.Thanks for the man candy though…it helped to distract me from that ‘awesome” article.