Congratulations you’re pregnant!! DON’T EAT FOR TWO!!!


ab5b1fd8-2167-4594-aba4-75752cf6a7a7_58e0013b-7915-456f-ab43-5a45fb4e9928_20130820204546_082013_Junk_RM_538x269More often then not I hear people telling pregnant women “oh, you’re pregnant honey…now you can eat for two” or “I wish I was pregnant so then I could eat anything I wanted”…here is the reality just because you’re pregnant does not mean you should eat for two. Yes, you can. Yes you are entitled. Yes, you are a women and you are free to do whatever you want however I am warning you if you eat for two you will regret it. Of course pregnant women do need a few more calories roughly about 300 but that should not be in the form of a triple triple (Yep, I had a friend who told me she ate triple triples from in-n-out when she was pregnant.)Flickr_hellochris_202508906--In-N-Out_triple_cheeseburger_fries

300 calories is equivalent to a tuna fish sandwich or an apple and some yogurt. Listen to my words…if you eat for two you WILL regret it once your beautiful bundle of joy arrives and you are still carrying all that extra weight. Yes! You are growing a life and indeed you are nurturing two human begins but the other one is about the size of a goldfish for quite a while and then a hamster and so on. At no point during pregnancy should you have the mindset of eating for two adults. I was pregnant 16 months ago and trust me when I say food tasted better during pregnancy then any other time in my life and I had I not been careful I would’ve looked like I was carrying twins. Honestly, It’s like my tastebuds were on steroids BUT I never just set and ate boxes of twinkies or cartons of ice cream why because I admit…I’m vain. I got pregnant at 28 and there was no way in hell I was giving up bikini’s or crop tops forever because I over indulged while preggie. So, I say to all my current preggie Mama’s…all my future preggie Mama’s and all my scared to get preggie because you don’t wanna be fat forever Mama’s. Make healthy choices, work out and DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT eat for two. Your heart, mind, body and self-confidence post pardum will thank you!

Pregnant woman with a doughnut

PS.Your skinny jeans will thank you as well!!

Why is it so hard to make friends after a certain age??

Remember when it was truly THAT easy?? “Hey, I like your dress, wanna be friends?”  “Wow, my hair is curly too…wanna play??” Or better yet when your Mom made all your friends for you? Hello play date anyone?? Geezus can someone PLEASE schedule me a play date por favor?? Like many of my other 20ish friends (the majority of my besties live hours and hours away) however, we are at a place in our lives where we’re tired of Friday nights alone but don’t necessairly wanna rage at some hot stuffy club with a bunch of strangers we met on some meetup website. We have full time jobs, kids, partners and other ‘adult’ responsibilities so just wandering around coffee shops, malls and musuems saying “Hey wanna be my friend” is not only time consuming but extra creepy and may land you on the pshycho stalker list. So, my question is how in the hell do you make new friends when you’re older ummm more mature?? I mean, It always seems so much easier for guys but freaking harder then making the cheer team in highschool for the ladies. I thought oh, maybe I’ll just magically become friends with my guys friends girlfriends and wives because well, we’ll all be doing things together and wouldn’t it just make sense?? I mean we have to magically have things in common too right?? NOT! That couldn’t be more from the truth *le sigh* so here I sit on a beautiful Saturday morning dying to have brunchy gossip times at some yummy bay area type restaurant with bottomless mimosa’s in a fabulous sun dress and wedges or better yet looking forward to a night out with my favs that ends up with sore feet, greasy food and old men hitting on us, however I’m left once again asking myself…where have all my friends gone?? I know, I know…no where honestly. One bestie is in Maryland, the others sprawled between Sandiego, San Francisco, Oakland, Conneticut, Arkansas and everyfreaking where else but here in Hollywood with me. (cue “You’ve got a friend” by, Carol King) Now I know exactly how Carrie felt when she was in Paris and she saw that group of girls having brunch through the window and it made her miss her gals in NY so much.

“Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold”

Making new friends when you’re older is tough…sometimes you need in person girl time and the good ol’ 3 hour phone chat with those distant BFF’s  just isn’t enough. I mean have you ever tried crying on the shoulder of a friend through the phone!!?? Yeah, impossible to say the least IM-POSSIBLE! So please share your secrets how do you make friends after the ‘golden’ new friends age? This gal is tired of spending beautiful weekends without some strong estrogen company in her life.

“GIRL!!! He was TOTALLY about to rub one out!!”

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” Lily Tomlin

This morning I wake up to a stream of text messages from one of my absolute favorite girlfriends who is also 9 months pregnant with her first child and is a hormonal bag of all types of crazy… much like me. Of course only the most recent message shows up when I unlock my phone but I know it’s about to get good, I scroll down to read the rest…the first frantic message I see says  “and girl…he was totally about to [masturbate] (<-I can’t use the phrase she used…I just can’t) I caught him red handed” so of course I start scrolling barely able to contain my laughter as I don’t want to wake my sleeping superman laying beside me, I slide out of bed and take my phone upstairs cause I know this can only get better. Since I don’t have a fancy iphone I can’t screen shot the conversation, Gawd I wish I could, so I’m gonna have to paraphrase so you can get the just of it. So, [Hillary] pretty much caught her man about to rub one out last night when he thought she was sound asleep in the other room. She woke up and realized he was no longer in the bed beside her as they’d both got in the bed together about 2 hours before, kissed goodnight you know the nightly ritual. She called for him, no answer, checked the bathroom, no [Tony] so she started to panic…lol (he couldn’t possibly be in the kitchen making a sandwich) She walked through the hall tip-toeing of course until she notices a blue light shining from underneath the office door, breathing a sigh of relief she gently pushes open the door ‘baby, is everything o…” she doesn’t even get the ‘k’ out before she realizes what he’s doing…watching porn (milfy porn to be exact) and totally about to get it crackin’…lotion on the desk and everything! She makes it a point to emphasize it was a bottle of lotion she’d never seen before and was equally as offended that he didn’t wake her up to join in as she was that he had a special bottle of ‘get it poppin’ lotion’…THE NERVE!

Now, I’ve finally regained my composure enough to type this AND called to get the 411 directly from her (text just wasn’t gonna do THIS story justice) Oh emm gee! I love how animated my friends can be. I DO understand her pain…she already feels like an alien because there is a hitchhiker attached to her belly but she also (mind you she is still gorgeous and glowing) feels huge and unattractive & all things of the like because her man who is probably just scared his man pole will hit the baby in the head won’t get down like they use too, so to find that he’s resorting to internet porn, the value size bottle of Jergens and PALMala probably did screw with her psyche a bit. Being that she’s just as dramatic as me I already know she probably read more into it then necessary. Anyway, I’ve been there. Not during my pregnancy (that I know of) but I’ve been there…you know…caught your boo thang having a little private time, immediately took it personal and were devastated. We as women read too much into it, we automatically think its our fault, we’re not doing a good job, he’s no longer turned on by us, he’s addicted to porn. Now yes, some of those thoughts may be true but 99.9% of the time it really has nothing to do with us. We’re sleep, busy, just gave him the side eye because he asked you to do what, now!? Doesn’t he see that you JUST got dressed and put your face on!!?? So they handle it themselves, No, I’m not saying it makes the situation any better but I’d much rather my man pay a little visit to PALMala than one of his exes…wouldn’t you??

Sidenote: When was the last time YOU had a little “me time” or paid a secret visit to good vibrations?? Ummm Hmmm…I rest my case.

“Mini cooper girl”

“I don’t know why they call it a Walk of Shame. You just had sex last night and now everyone knows it… Sounds like a Walk of Win to me.”

-Unknown (but probably written by a man)

So, I have these neighbors. I’d say there probably in there late twenties, early thirties. Pretty attractive guys (for what I can see behind there inappropriately dark shades), well-groomed, the “I totally tried but I want to look like I didn’t” type outfits and they drive the kind of cars that say “Look at me…I’m driving the cool car”  Now, I’m no rocket scientist but I’m quite the observationalist and after living next door to them for the last 6 months I’ve noticed a few things/ but one cause for concern. My first being that the number of women that enter and exit that premise on any given day can range from 2-6. No not 2 to 6 years old but 2-6 different women. Now this is no brothel or top-secret modeling agency just a few charismatic young gentleman who happen to have what I like to call “reckless penis syndrome” now, I will admit, I could be totally wrong, maybe it is a top-secret modeling agency or maybe, just maybe they all are meeting for prayer BUT go with me here; when I take the pup out for his morning walk and the lady of the evening is leaving in her sparkly after 10pm dress with bed head and smudged eyeliner I’m led to believe there might have been some getting on your knees but not the kind you do in church on Sunday. I digress..so here is my main cause for concern. There is one particular young lady who me and the honey call “mini cooper girl” she drives this teal mini and on more than one occasion she is or shall I say isn’t the chosen girl of the evening and we observe her sitting in her mini in front of the entrance to our communal garage just sitting…waiting…patiently. Feverishly texting guy #1 or guy #2  (I’m not sure which one is her chosen one) and consistently being ignored. Sadly, I know the reason she’s being ignored is because there is another girl up there, I’ve met my share of them in the elevator. I mean she will sit out there for hours and hours buzzing the intercom to there apartment and they just will not buzz her up. Now, I think what is so puzzling to me is that you can clearly see if their cars are inside the garage or not and if both cars are there, there is a 99% chance both guys are there too and they just ignore her. They could give her the access code if they wanted too and then she wouldn’t even have to buzz she could just let herself in but apparently they just don’t want her to have that level of access to the hoegarden. So, here’s where she gets the side eye… this chick has even asked me to buzz up or even on the most recent occasion let her in the garage to park because “there expecting her” of course I never do, I mean she could be a serial killer ;-) but really where does one’s dignity step in? Honey, you are not the lady of the evening… tonight. Yes, they are up there and yes, they are ignoring your calls, texts, smoke signals and carrier pigeons so have some dignity and take your butt home! Do you know how desperate you look?? I mean we make a game of it now…we take bets on if/when you’ll get let in and then go peek over the balcony and see…so far you’ve waited for 1 hour and 19 minutes **shakes head**  Sweet pea, you only get invited over during booty call hours to be swiftly ushered out the door the following day before noon, and you ALWAYS leave in the same clothes. I know it may be hard to accept but you are indeed a jump off, bootycall…late night rendezvous may be your title of choice…not sure what you like to call yourself, but here is what I am sure of **drumroll please** You will NEVER get invited home to meet the parentals SO if you want to be that girl then just keep doing what you’re doing however if you’d like to not be that girl then grow some balls and put Mr. Hotty in 502 on your ‘dont answer’ list and go home.  You can always reinvent your desperate ways for the next one and just be the cool, calm and collected girl who calls the shots. He never has to know you’d sit in front of his house for hours to see if he’ll pick you that evening. Desperate Denise can become Desirable Diane in a heartbeat. Men will always treat you the way you allow them too and of course this goes without saying but if you are always “available” where’s the fun in that?? As my Mama always said “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free??” Or maybe just maybe ‘He’s just not that into you’…

Earned…Deserved…Entitled!??

When I was growing up my Mom always saved my Dad the “round” piece of fish. Now that I’m older I realize it’s the piece of fish that is referred to as the steak/center cut aka the BEST piece. I remember always wanting it and wondering why Daddy always got it. Of course I was young then but I noticed whenever my Mom would cook my Dad always got the best of everything. The best piece of fish, the biggest piece of chicken, if she cooked something and she burned a portion Dad got the part that wasn’t burned, the kids got the next best part and she kinda just settled for whatever was left over. It didn’t bother me too much when I was a munchkin but now that I’m older and primarily doing the majority of the cooking I find myself doing the exact same thing wither I’m cooking for the guy I’m dating, my Dad or even my little brother. For example I was barbecuing for me and my honey bunches of oats the other night and I burned the first 2 pieces of chicken so I made two more which were grilled to perfection and automatically gave him those. It didn’t really bother me but I realized as I was eating my ummmm ‘Cajun’ pieces what had he done to just be entitled to the best pieces? I mean I made the trip to the grocery store, I marinated them, I cooked them. As women are we just supposed to give the men in our lives the best because well…there men!? Were we conditioned as young girls to just give them our best? Nobody ever came out right and told me that I had to but that’s what I saw so that’s what I did *shrugs shoulders*

Even after my Grandma or Aunts stood on their feet and did all the cooking for a big holiday dinner I remember getting up to make my plate and being told to sit down and wait while I watched them make plates for my Grandfather, Uncles or Father, they got the best and most of everything and it bothered me. Of course I never said anything because if I did I would probably still be picking my teeth up off the floor but I always wondered why… they were the one’s who cooked for 6 hours straight while Dad watched the game or read the paper whilst nodding in the easy chair not ever offering to lift a finger, chop an onion or even wash a dish why did he just deserve the biggest, best and the most. It baffled me. Where did this since of entitlement come from? As women shouldn’t the men in our lives earn the right to receive our best? I mean how many dates have you gone on and you spend all day primping and prepping to look as glamorous as you know how, your sexiest shoes (the one’s that probably hurt), wax and pluck to hairless perfection and make sure your hair is perfectly coiffed only to show up to Mr.I’d do anything and everything for you’s house for him to say he’d rather stay in tonight “how about we grab carry out and rent something on Apple TV?” with a deep inner sigh you reply with “sure.” You don’t put up a fuss, you dare not complain you just slip off your Jimmy Choos and make yourself comfortable on the couch. Mind you its Saturday night…8pm…and you look damn good. Shouldn’t he want to take you out?? Or the best one is…you cook a magnificent food network worthy meal and he calls while you’re taking the last dish out of the oven and says he would rather have pizza so you just calmly oblige.  For some reason we allow this behavior time and time again (I know because my girlfriends and I have countless conversations about it.) Ladies we have to stop being so complacent and guys trust me when I say…if the sun is out your girl wants to leave the house…she didn’t slip on that maxi dress just because she was bored. Women like to be out just for the sake of being out. Sometimes we don’t have a reason we just wanna walk, explore a new neighborhood, sit outside of a cool coffee shop and people watch, lay out at the beach and soak up some rays, walk hand in hand at a street fair with our guy and just share his hotness with the world. When your women is happy everyone is happy. Gals, Its time to take a cue from the little red hen “if he did not help plant the seeds, pick the wheat or cook the bread he doesn’t deserve to starve BUT he certainly doesn’t deserve the first and best piece…YOU DO!” Yes, the bible says submit to your partner <- That is the argument I get from some when I bring up this topic but that doesn’t mean be a doormat (I’ll write more about the topic of submission later) Oh and lastly, he CAN fix his own plate TRUST ME.

Reader Question (How do I stop cheating??)

Last night I received the following question from one of my loyal readers…A GUY!!! That doesn’t happen to often. Usually I’ll just email them a response back, but I thought this was a very real question and felt the need to share it with all of you, I asked his permission of course and promised him I would post his question exactly as he sent it as well as remove any identifying names so here it goes…

I think its a little gay to ask for advice but my boy {name removed} said you gave him some good advice. im sitting here at his spot right now he says thanks for what you told him. Since me and my girl can’t really afford a professional person right now I wondered if you guys could give me some advice. I read your blog and y’all give some good advice. I love my chick and she tells me she loves me and I believe her. Are relationship hasnt been perfect but shes a down chick. I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it. We have been together for almost 2 years now and the problem is i have cheated twice. I know, why mess up with such a good girl, in spite she did a few things to hurt me to. Staying out late with her girls, not picking up her phone just shit to get under my skin, lied about little shit. I deserved it and took it because i sholdnt have messed up. Well, now after this last time she says she wants us to start over, be all the way honest and stuff. I want to do that for her because she is a good girlfriend but I always get hella weak when i get around other chicks.
i dont know what it is cuz when im home with her i adoor and dont want nobody else, she always makes me happy when were togehter but its like when im not around her i forget. What do I do? I dont want to loose my chick its the first 1 that i actually have fun with and actually just like kickin it with her but i also dont know if i can give her what she is asking. I want to be able to keep her, i want to do right by her. Im 35 and she is 29 so it aint like were kids. Can you help me?

Dear Good Heart not so good judgment,

Well, I am so happy that you decided to reach out to me. Your friend and his fiance have reached out to me numerous times about their relationship and challenges they are facing and I’m so happy to be able to help them. I’m so excited for them and the steps that they are taking to a real, true and honest relationship.  Any who, let’s get to your question. Well, I have been thinking about how to answer it all day. I am going to do everything in my power to not be bias but to tell you how I really feel. So you started off your question by saying you love your girlfriend and she loves you. Lets start off with the definition of love. Webster says love is: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  So in all honesty that just means you like her A LOT, A WHOLE LOT and that you care for her. I’m not saying love isn’t important but just by going off the dictionary definition lets just call it what it is. I was going to get into the biblical definition as well but I don’t want to get to preachy. When you love someone you don’t do things to  hurt them. When you have a profound, tender and passionate affection for someone you just don’t do things to hurt them. Plain and SIMPLE. You said your relationship hasn’t been perfect. That is ok, nobodies relationship is perfect. Nope. not even the Obama’s and I’m pretty positive if Cliff and Claire Huxtable had been real people raising 5 kids in New York their relationship would have been riddled with real life problems that didn’t get solved in a 30 minute episode either. You know, I bet Joseph and Mary even had a few words  in the barn when she turned up pregnant and the two of them hadn’t slept together. So don’t beat yourself up for not having a perfect relationship any honest couple would tell you there’s isn’t perfect either. So you said you cheated on your girlfriend…twice. Ummm,well …. hmm…about that…okay, we’ll… The first time we can chalk up whatever action to a mistake, bad judgment, temptation,too much alchohol…whatever.  The second time that action was a clear, conscience choice. Yes, it may sound harsh but you were being selfish thinking only of self and didn’t care that you may hurt your girlfriend all you wanted to do was get off. Now you say you cheated twice, I am assuming this is physical cheating. Wither you had sex, just got a handjob or only kissed another women it was wrong, completely wrong. There is no way that I can give you any reason or make an excuse for why that was ok. Cheating is NEVER ok. Let me repeat that cheating is NEVER ok. You said “I have never had a girl care about my health, success, family the hole me as real as she has, she is so supportive its crazy cause i know i dont deserve it.” It seems to me that this is a good women. I don’t think she is perfect but from your brief description she appears to be someone who cares about your whole person. Your health (Im assuming this means encouraging you to make healthy habits), if you are successful (which means I assume she is supporting your dreams) she even cares about you family and you feel like you don’t deserve it? Why do you feel that way? Would you say it’s because you cheated or because you just don’t deserve to be cared for. as a whole? I’d like you to answer those questions for me in an email because I’d like to delve into that further. Any who, You recognize you have a good thing, so, why cheat? I have been on both sides of this equation the difference is I cheated in response to being cheated on, just a bad combination but since I’m being honest I’ll be 100% honest.  I’m not saying my cheating was better or worse it just is what it is. Once I cheat I don’t respect you and this relationship probably won’t go anywhere long-term. Which is why no matter how bad it gets if I love you and see a potential future with you I will not sleep with anyone else while I am in that relationship no matter what. When I was younger I just dated to date now I think much more long-term. On the contrary, when I ws cheated on the guy just wasn’t ready to stop. It was a conscience choice. He continued to chose new and old vagina over our relationship. It stings to admit but that  is the reality. Growing up, saying no to other women and being content with one person was something he just chose not to do. Yes, chose. 

Cheating hurts, I don’t want to intentionally hurt someone I love.  If I really love you and I really care about you I won’t cheat. Now If my partner cheats on me and I still care about him and want to work it out there is a possibility that I may do something devious, text an ex, not answer my phone late at night when I’m out with the girls just little petty childish things to piss the guy off and get his attention. No it’s not right, its actually quite stupid, but I want to remind him that I’m desired, and if he messes up again there will be someone to fill his shoes. It seems like this may be the path your girlfriend took when she did similar things after finding out you had been unfaithful. We want to get back at you but we don’t want to end the relationship. Childish?? Yes. Of course the thing to do would be to talk it out and work through it, admit your faults and do whatever she needs you to do to regain her trust (this is if you still want to be together) if not…throw up the deuces and part ways. Understand picking up the pieces and going on to have a successful, loving and trusting relationship after cheating is hard very hard but it can be done. I’ve seen it be done, more than once. I have not successfully done it yet but if I had a partner who cheated and I still saw a future with them and he was willing to work through it I would do it, why because we all make mistakes and it takes a very big person to forgive. I’ve lived long enough to realize that. Now would he be willing to turn in his player card, retire from the game and realize I am enough, not be tempted by his single friends still playing the field, and turn down the allure of new vagina is the question. Most men truly aren’t ready to put an end to their extended adolescence. They are only forced to do so once either they get to old, someone close to them dies (which shows life doesn’t last forever and they simply get scared) or something jolts them to reality and forces them to grow up immediately.  Yes honey extended adolescence can extend to 30+ and sadly a lot of men are often sidetracked by the allure of other new and exciting women, but the reality is until God calls all of us home there will always be someone new, seemingly more exciting, bigger boobs, a bigger butt, and all that stuff that makes you think with your little head instead of your big one. You have to be man enough to GROW UP and say NO.  Trust me the more you say no the easier it becomes. Practice does make perfect. Take your butt home after the club. Dont respond to the late night text from your ex or previous bed buddy. Mr.Number is the best  smart phone application known to man. I have set all numbers (calls and texts) that can even be remotely tempting to be immediately declined and never to show up on my phone not even in my missed call log. Out of sight out of mind. If you don’t want to cheat, don’t. Nobody is holding you down and forcing your penis inside their vagina. Yes, it sounds a little vulgar but its the truth. Cheating ALWAYS takes two, don’t be the other person in that equation. JUST STOP!! <-Yes, I am yelling. You say she’s a good girl, you say you have fun with her and you love her so you have to ask yourself whats more important. New p*ssy or having a committed partner who is going to love you, support you and forgive you in spite of the fact that you cheated on her…TWICE!! It takes a real women to forgive a cheater and still want to be with them. You said in your second to last sentence “you don’t know if you can give her what she’s asking” What she’s asking seems pretty simple to me. She wants you to be honest going forward and don’t cheat, she’s not asking you for a ring and to buy her a house. Understand this request isn’t specific to your girlfriend. Any women worth her salt is going to request that you are honest with her and don’t cheat and if they accept you cheating and just turn a blind  she doesn’t value herself and do you really want to be with someone like that? I don’t think so. You’re 35 years old (that’s 5 years from 40 my love) its time to stop playing games, chasing tail WILL get old. You need to be the type of guy you want your.unborn daughter to be with. Either you decide to change so you can keep a good women or you don’t those are really your only options. Both of those are choices that only YOU can make. Time is fleeting and no women will wait forever.

“The stronger person always forgives first”

“Good relationships don’t just happen overnight. They take time, patience, forgiveness and two people who are willing to go through the fire to be together”

PS.I am not sure if you’re a Christian but I was accused of being a bit preachy and bible thumperish by a few readers SO If you would like an answer from a more biblical perspective don’t hesitate to let me know via email.

-Good Luck Darlin (Let me know how it goes)